Children's / The Life And Times Of Seamus O'Flannery
The Autobiography Of Seamus O’Flannery
So, you want to hear me story, do you know? Well, have a seat, make yourself comfortable. It’s a bit of a tall tale, kind of a fish out of water story if you ask me. I swear on the grave of me dear sweet mum that this entire story is true, exceptin’ the parts that I made, of course. I’ll start with me name. I’m Seamus O’Flannery, but you can call me flannel on account of that being me favorite color and all. I stand 3 feet 11 inches tall, i I’m wearin’ 4 inch heels. That’s tall for a lephrecaun. People used to point and stare as I walked down the street. Me Mum, tough as nails she was but a heart of gold. She used to say.
“Seamus” She called me that on account of that bein’ me name and all. “Seamus, don’t pay any attention to those people. They’re only pointin’’ and starin’ on account of you bein’ freakishly large.”
I miss me Mum. Well, where was I now. Oh yes, most people think that lephrecauns live at the end of a rainbow with a large pot o gold. That was true in the old days when lephrecaubs were rare and rainbows were plentiful. Now a days though there are alot of lephrecauns and precious few rainbows. Besides, rainbows leak, it’s what they do. Other people think that lephrecauns are mean, that couldn’t be further from the truth. We’re just like you humans, only smaller and hairier. There is one thing about we lephrecauns that is true. While we don’t live forever, we do live to a ripe old age. I meself will be 257 in January, and I don’t look a day over 129. I was born just outside a Glasgow in 1750. The youngest of 8 children I was. Me Pop, he worked in the rainbow arts, it was his job to paint the colors on the rainbows. Me Pop, grand as he was, had a fear of heights, don’t you know. So, he could only paint the ends of the rainbows, the big money is painting the middle,naturally. Me Pop, his favorite color was blue, so he’d paint all the rest of the colors with a brush and then roll around in the blue and hurl himself at the rainbow. me Pop he would travel the entire world he would, but he always came home at the end of the day, wet as a dog and smellin’ like blue. I bet that that you didn’t know that colors smell, well they do, don’t you know. I’d wait for him everyday, I would. He was hard to see, bein’ so small, but I could always tell when he was near but the glint in his eye and the smell of blue in the air. To this day I get misty when I see the American Flag. Well,I would scamper from my perch at the window sill, through the small kitchen, nearly knocking over me brother Floyd, and would come to a screeching hault just before being enveloped in a pint sized hug. Me Mum had a soft spot for me Dad. h sure, she would make a show of it.
“Next time, shake off before you come in the door.” She said say, tossing him a towel. Then she would sniff his jacket and smile to herself as he gave her a hug. From that day to this, if you look hard with your heart, there are small water marks right in front of the door where the rain dripped from his jacket. Now, back in those days there was no television. No “Lora the Explorer” or “Lou’s Clues”. Once the sun set it was either play in the candle light, or sleep. Well,being wee ones sleep was not an option. So, me Mum and me Pop would each pull up a chair and rest their weary bones while me brothers and me sisters and I would put on a show. Oh, grand shows they were, too. Danger? Oh Poppets, there were monsters as big as me whole body. Love? Oh lassies, was there love. Arthur and Guenevere, Romeo and Juliet,Jack and Jill. We would perform until the wee hours of the mourn, well after mum and pop had fallen asleep. Grand times they were, but, as everything must, time went on. Me brothers and me sister grew and had wee ones of their own. The time soon came for me, Seamus O’Flannery, to go and find a home to call me own. So, I found a wee little place, and joined me dad at the rainbow coalition. Oh, Poppets, I traveled all over Scotland, I did, but I longed for more. I longed to see the coliseum in Rome, the pyramids in Egypt, and the Great Wall in China. Most of all, I longed for the thing that all lephrecauns long for, a tiny rainbow and a pot of gold of me own. One day, I went and had supper with me lad Danny. You mighta heard of him, they wrote a song about him. Well, Danny was prone to the stories. his favorite was when he was fishin’ in Loch Ness and saw the head of a monster he did, or so he said.That night Danny was goin’ on about a land called America, way across the ocean, where rainbows were plentiful and gold flowed like water. As I said before, Danny is prone to the stories, but this peaked me interest. So I said
“Danny, how do you know so much about this America?”
Well, it turns out that Danny is quite the reader as well. He subscribed to newspapers from this so called “new world” Turns out that there was some sort of war going on. Well, I was not about to get involved in that mess. Plus, Danny wasn’t being completely truthful. He was assumin’ that rainbows were plentiful, based on the fact that he say no lephrecauns in the pictures. For awhile I buried me self in me daily livin’. I was doin’ quite well at work, and had nearly reached the top of the rainbow.
Me heart just wasn’t in me work. I dreamed of a land populated by tall people where they would get things off the high shelf for me, for a change. I dreamed of a land where the streets are paved with gold. I dreamed of America. Well, eventually the war ended and a fella name a George Washington became the very first President of the United States, he did. Oh, and proud I was too. Imagine children, being the very first. There have been 42 Presidents, but only George Washington was the first. Well, we lephrecauns are sedentary folk we are. Oh sure, we travel, but we always come home at the end of the day, and that dear children never changes.However, the spirit of entrepreneurship runs strong in our wee bodies it does, and the mere idea of an entire land that was brand new was too much for some Leprechauns. Not me though, I love me Scotland. Besides, I couldn’t leave me whole family like that could I now. Still, I dreamed of a rainbow where the wee ones could roam, and where me and the misses could grow old. Not that I was married mind you. On the contrary, I hadn’t met me misses yet. Well, little did I know that my dream was as close then as we are now. One day, oh a fabulous day it was too, I was doin’ me mornin’ ritual. Everyday at exactly 7:14 am I sit down with the mornin’ paper and a cup a Earl Grey with just a pinch a lemon. That day though, I was feelin’ a wee bit frisky, and I added a splash a lime instead. Oh poppits, that was the start of the rest of me life. I looked at the paper and me eyes got big as the moon. There was a Lephrecaun government in America! I read this and me heart started poundin’ in me wee chest. They had a plan to “Bring Lephrecauns oUtta Europe” or “BLUE” as the called it. There was a place in America where all I had to do was touch a rainbow and it would be mine forever. How perfect was that, I make me livin’ touchin’ rainbows. Well, me heart was now set, and there is no changin’ me heart once it’s set. Only, how to get there? Oh sure, rainbow travel is fast but the cost of water was so high it woulda cost me two years wages just to get there. Then, it hit me, the boats. Well, me friend Danny knew a fella in need of a good lephrecaun for his sea fairin’ vessel. Lephrecauns make great excellent deck hands on account of us being pint sized and all. lephrecauns do need to be careful though because, from time to time, we get mistaken for a cannonball. Oh, that makes me head hurt just thinkin’ about it. Well, it was a long and hard job, but you know me motto “Hard work is hard” Well, we were runnin’out a food about half through the trip on account of this captain Ahab was on this dreadful mission to capture a giant whale. Imagine, a gentle lepchrecaun like meself chasin’ a bloody whale. Well, after about two weeks a whale huntin’ I’d had enough, don’t you know. So, I grabbed some wood and a knife and I started whittlin’me a boat. Well, whittlin’ isn’t as easy as it looks , it took 6 months to whittle that boat, it did. I’d work all day, and whittle all night. Well, finally I finished and I named her the Mary Beth after me favorite sister. I was just about to drop her into the water when I looked tome left. What do you think I saw? Land!. Lots a land. Oh poppits, it was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen in me life. There were trees as far as the eye could see, and there were buildn’s, oh were there buildin’s. Oh, I couldn’t contain me excitement.. I did a back flip I did. Well, I put me boat in the water and I started rowin’. I rowed until me arms weren’t workin’ no more, and then I rowed with me feet. Finally, I reached a glorious, bright, shining city called New York. Well, I’ve never been to Old York, but if it’s anything like New York I want to go. I met people from all over I did. North America, the North Pole, I even met someone from Scotland I did. They call New York “the big apple” I’m not sure why, cuz in all me time there I only say regular sized apples. Well, the first thing I did was to start lookin’ for me rainbow. Well,it turns out that the fellas at BLUE had done a wee bit a lyin’. You could only get certain rainbows, cuz they didn’t want a lephreacun just walkin’ up and grabbin’ someone else’s rainbow. Oh poppits, that would not be right. Well,the only place where rainbows were still available was a place called Ohio. I wandered around New York for days lookin’ for this Ohio. It turns out that Ohio is nowhere near New York. Oh, dear ones, what was I to do, i had no money. I was sleepin’ in me boat, a we boat she was too. Then i remembered what me Mum used to say “God’s big, you’re small, go to church.” Well, I hadn’t been to church in ages, I wasn’t even sure that there was a church in this “new world”
Well, there was one, but it took me a while to find don’t you know. It was called St. Patrick’s, well I was particularly fond of the name but I decided to try it anyway. So, I went in and I sat at what’s called a pew. Well,I never was one for prayin’ , but I said a pitiful prayer. Something about needin’ food makes me pray. Well, when I opened me eyes I saw a vision, I did. Oh, she was lovely she was. She had long flowing hair that didn’t stop ‘til it reached the small of her back. Tall she was too, she was 5 foot if she was an inch I haven’t seen such beauty since I first caught sight of the virgin mary. Well, I never was a ladies lephrecaun, me brother Flloyd loved the ladies though, and I watched him like a hawk, I did. So, I mustered all of the courage in me little 3 foot 7 inch frame, and I walked up to her. Then I immediately turned around and walked back, cuz introducin’ yourself doesn’t work so well when you’ve forgotten your name. So I collected meself and approached her again, this time from a different angle.
Hello” I said. “My names Seamus O’Flannery.”
She turned slowly and looked down at me.
“Hi, I’m Sarah Jane” She said, in perfect english.
Oh poppets, I don’t mind to tell ya that, from that day to this, I spent every moment of me life in love with one woman. We talked all night we did. I learned all about her. She was 20 years old, and she had been born in a place called New Hampshire. I was quickly learnin’ that there were many “new” things in this “new world” Well, she had two brothers, and one sister. Her family was movin’ out west. Oh, poppets, me heart leapt for joy when I found out that they were goin’ to Ohio. Oh, this must be a sign from God I said to meself. So, I told her about me journey to the “new world” and me dream of havin’ me own rainbow. As I was talkin’ she started sniffin’ the air, and she said that she could practically smell the colors. Oh, dear ones, I knew right then that this was the woman for me, and I wanted to spend the rest of me life with her. Her family was leavin’ the next mornin’ though. It turns out that they were goin’ with a bunch of family, the traveled together because it was safer. They agreed to take me with them, as long as I did the cookin’. Well,I can’t cook worth a lick but I’m a fast learner, and Sarah is an excellent teacher. So, we spent our days talkin’ and cookin’ After about a month I went to her father and told him that my intention was to marry his daughter. He said yes, but only if I found a place for us to live. Well, when we got to Ohio it turns out that they were havin’ a race for the rainbows. Me and Sarah stood in a long line, and when they fired the starting gun we ran. Oh, poppets, we ran so far that me heart was poundin’ in me chest. I didn’t think that we’d ever find a rainbow, and then we saw it. Oh, it was beautiful. I ran as fast as me lttle legs would go, and I touched the rainbow. Then I turned, and I got down on one knee and I said.
“Sarah Jane, would you spend the rest of your life smellin’ the colors with me?”
Well, she said yes, and we spent the rest of her life travelin’ the world, smellin’ the rainbows, but we always came home at the end of the day.
Well children, that is the story of me one true love, and me favorite rainbow. Oh, there are many other stories to tell, but that is me favorite. You can say alot about Seamus O’Flannery, but never let it be said that I wouldn’t rope a rainbow for the ones I love.
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Interesting idea – if you want a more scottish sounding character, try Hamish rather than Seamus. Seamus is an Irish name. Just a picky point. Apart from that, it’s Sooo refreshing not to have a glaswegian dialect to make a piece sound regional. Again the accent is more irish. If you made the character Irish it would be both stereotypical and brilliant.
“I swear on the grave of me dear sweet mum that this entire story is true, exceptin’ the parts that I made, of course.” What an endearing sentence! The character has a great voice. I hope you carry this on, and possibly do a lot of stories with him in it! Very soothing.
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