Poetry / They Just Fade Away

I read it once and wasn’t sure, then read it again and thought “this really is good.”  The line that really did it for me was the one about the hat – that injection of something concrete and commonplace really brought the emotional content to life.  Excellent.

This is wonderfully put. Have you thought about breaking the last stanza into two?  Maybe putting after bid them to speak of the sum of all their fears – then the last part of it? Just an idea.
Can’t think of much else to change. Beautifully done.

Excellent work.  Very powerful and invoking.  The presence of all the old men who once meant so much, who fought so hard, now silenced in their own immortal fear.  One error: will all his peers; – should be with
Thanks for sharing.

Beautiful and heart-breaking, like the wind howling through the most breath-taking valley, but a valley that was inhabited and is now empty, with you standing there all alone. Excellent job. Keep up the great work. —Mandy

P.S. While I can see how “They just fade away” fits into the message, perhaps it would be better to have the title be “The Sum of All Their Fears”, as the present title better befits the quotes at the beginning than the poem itself.

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November 19, 2007

by Sean_Allen

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
279	90.5% (21 votes)	28.4%

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21	M	Berkeley, CA	September 09

The quote sort of goes hand in hand with the poem, so I wanted the title to help tie the quote to the poem. Unfortunately, “The Sum of All Their Fears” is pretty similar to a movie starring Ben Afleck, which isn’t a connection I relish.

December 02, 2007

by trouten_m

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282	81.3% (107 votes)	46.6%

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24	F	Greenville, SC	November 29

Don’t worry too much about that. The poem is still a good one. Besides, “I’m Not Over It” was inspired by Over It by Katharine McPhee. “I Still Need You” was inspired by Walk a Little Straighter, Daddy” by Billy Currington, and “Daughter to Father” shares the same title as a Lindsay Lohan song, but I doubt that the average person will think much about the similarity between titles. :)

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An excellent piece of poetry.  Very haunting.  I’ve looked it over several times and can find nothing to criticize (I always find something!).  Submit this as is.

I really liked this poem..told a story of fallen soldiers,
so it was easily understandable. It was emotional, and
I felt the words, which are very important to me as a writer
myself.  The only word I think think fitted was hulk.  I felt
another word could be used instead, and sort of lost the visual
in that line, but overall, I loved it, good job.

This is a amazing piece!  There’s somethings that I could so relate to in this poem.  I know the things I felt and related to weren’t the true meaning of the poem.  However that is what’s so GREAT about it.  When you can take a poem and have it mean many diff. things and touch people in many diff. ways you know that you are a AMAZING writter!

This really touched me!  I love your choice of words (hulk, glazed, etc).  I love the rhythm of the poem, it has a distinct beat.  I love the repetition, it really compels the reader to feel what you’re saying.

The only note I would make is that you used the word “ever” twice in the last stanza, pretty close together, and it was noticeable to me.  BUT it’s not that big of a deal, and it doesn’t damage the intensity/beauty of the poem.

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November 07, 2007

by Sean_Allen

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
279	90.5% (21 votes)	28.4%

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21	M	Berkeley, CA	September 09

Thanks for your review. The use of ‘ever’ twice in such close proximity was on purpose, it was supposed to help the rhythm out a little bit. Not sure if it worked, but that’s why it was there.

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You certainly have a gift with words and I like your style. You have taken a thought and molded it into art and touched a chord in my soul. Well done

I liked how you took a quote and made it your own. I liked your use of balance (starting lines with “gather), it establishes a good sense of flow. I really don’t know what to suggest really. Good work.