Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement. Hopefully, I’ll have more posted by Monday. Would love to hear more of your feedback. Thanks, again!
Novel Treatments / Untitled: Prologue
It all began with a bang. It was the sort of noise that in the midst of a typical spring day could’ve been mistaken for anything - the clapping of a gate, the fall of a window sash, the clatter of closing shutters, the slam of a car door. At first, it had gone unnoticed. Violet had been on her hands and knees in the kitchen garden pushing okra seeds into the damp, grey earth. She was focused, almost meditating, on the dull aching in her knees, the wet of the soil moistening the thin cloth of her skirt as she worked and the rich smell and velvet texture of the loam as her pale, slender fingers gently pushed the kernels beneath the surface. She wore a large straw hat that shielded her fair skin from the honeysuckle sun that was slowly rising into the late morning sky. It would be a warm day, the gentle beads of sweat already forming on her lip and brow. Then she heard it in the distance. A sharp crack, like a stick against a tree, perhaps, its shock muffled by the creaking of her straw brim as it wavered in the lukewarm gusts. She looked up from her task for but a moment, hearing nothing but the gentle cooing of a nearby mourning dove. Satisfied that it would not come again, she quietly cataloged it in her mind as something akin to an exclamation mark in a sea of periods and then settled back to the certainty of the soil.
It would be the silence afterwards that caught her attention. In the years to come, she would look back upon it and remember it like a gaping hole ripped into the middle of a soft-cotton day. Suddenly, whether it was real or imagined, everything stopped. Later, in telling the details to the police and then to her family, it would be the roaring stillness in its wake that allowed her to remember that she’d heard the gunshot at all.
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Rayn reviewed Version 1 -
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Very nice. There is a wealth of detail that makes visualization easy, but the writing is still tight and to the point. You establish a flavor of the southern US, without the location ever being explicitly stated; very subtle, very satisfying. I like honest treatment of Violet as well; her focus on her own task and dismissal of the sound, the way that her memory amplifies the events following it once she knows it for a shot. ”...something akin to an exclamation mark…” – what a brilliant line! The sentence beginning “It would be a warm day” sounds awkward to me, and I might change the following sentence as well; a colon instead of the period between “in the distance” and “a sharp crack” would improve the flow for me. Of course the piece is very short, but as a prologue I think it will do well. I hope to see the rest!
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hypatia reviewed Version 1 -
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You capture an every day event like gardening as if it were poetry, there is a lot of beauty in your words as a backdrop to a sinister event. Violet is ordinary but so likeable I immediately felt drawn to her character. You build the suspense and mystery with perfect timing ensuring any reader will continue to have interest.
The only part I thought was a low was the very long sentence. I enjoyed every word of it and have attempted to offer a shorter one only in an attempt to be of some use. Of course your original sentence is perfect as well.
She focused meditating on the dull aching in her knees, the damp soil moistening the cloth of her skirt, and the rich smell with a velvet texture of the loam as her pale fingers pushed the kernels beneath the surface.
DCAllen reviewed Version 1 -
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Excellent beginning. This sets up a murder mystery, I suppose, quite well. The prose is eloquent with several nice turns of phrases (exclamation mark . . . sea of periods, gaping hole . . .)
A couple of suggestions:
exclamation mark = exclamation point (both are of course acceptable, but the word point says more in this context.
At the end, you mention the silence afterward twice. I think that if you eliminate the first mention (It would be the silence), then the last sentence of this text would have more power.
campb26593 reviewed Version 1 -
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There is nothing wrong with this at all. It has perfect tension, the point of view is rock solid, and the setting is well displayed with descriptive adjectives, simile and metaphor.
Exquisite: “…akin to an exclamation mark in a sea of periods…”
Beautifully done.
ashkrafton reviewed Version 1 -
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It all began with a bang.
Very simply stated, and got my attention.
It was the sort of noise that in the midst of a typical spring day could’ve been mistaken for anything - the clapping of a gate, the fall of a window sash, the clatter of closing shutters, the slam of a car door.
I think one example too many. I’d keep it to 3 or less.
...something akin to an exclamation mark in a sea of periods…
excellent line, just wonderful
...it would be the roaring stillness in its wake that allowed her to remember that she’d heard the gunshot at all.
Slam dunk. Winds everything up, shows more than tells, even in the telling.
Overall, I read every word, hungry for the next. You really got my attention. Hope to see more.
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