Dean is in the car until he gets out (five lines from the bottom) to help her better and gets his ass run over.
Flash Fiction / Backing Out
“Just try it, Shelly. It’ll be easy after the first time, I promise you.”
“If I screw up, Dad will kill me.”
“If you don’t try, you’ll never be able to do it,” encouraged Dean.
She started out slow, but popped the clutch.
“Okay, pull up and try turning your steering wheel in the opposite direction,” he re-assured her.
Shelly tried it again but it did the same thing. She pulled forward and smashed into her father’s toolbox.
“Can’t you see what you’re doing? Dad is going to ground us.”
She tried backing out again and hit the wall, breaking the garage door opener. Tears filled her eyes.
“Try again.” Dean was getting impatient.
She pulled up again bashing into her dad’s motorcycle, causing it to turn over, knocking down a stack of cans. Paint spilled everywhere.
“Now Dad is really going to be pissed.”
Dean got out of the car and examined the way the wheels were turned.
“Straighten the wheels and back out straight,” quietly said Dean.
She straightened the wheels, and put the car back into reverse, jamming her foot on the gas.
She didn’t look into the rear view mirror until she heard Dean scream.
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DCAllen reviewed Version 1 -
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Very good ending.
My only criticism: the line “Can’t you see . . . ” sounds as if Dean would probably want her to stop. Why doesn’t Dean get in the driver’s seat at this point? If he’s so afraid of being grounded, why does he let her keep trying?)
Proofreading notes:
re-assured = reassured
quietly said Dean. (I’m all for being creative, but this goes a bit too far. Should be Dean whispered or Dean said quietly)
rear view mirror = rearview mirror
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AstroBoyJ7 reviewed Version 1 -
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This piece has some focus but my question is this: Is Dean in the car or out of the car? It would help me figure out what just happened here.
Piva reviewed Version 1 -
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Ah, this is how flash fiction should be. Well done on getting to the point, with a debut, middle and end. I didn’t spot any errors and I just have one suggestion; remove the word quietly from ‘quietly said Dean’, or if you really want quietly, try ‘said Dean quietly’.
Korp reviewed Version 1 -
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Ha, that’s morbid. I liked this one; it had good escalation.
“quietly said Dean.”
Should be: “Dean said quietly.”
”’Now Dad is really going to be pissed.’”
To me, it wasn’t clear who said that.
“he re-assured her.”
I wouldn’t use that there; what he said preceding it didn’t seem reassuring; more of a command. I’d just use “he said.”
Good job on this.
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