Poetry / Sunrise

Hi there, long time no chat, getting back into Urbis.

Well I quite liked the rhythm of this. I agree with a previous reviewer to some degree. In my mind the first stanza is the strongest, and the final line is quite strong. The second line of the second stanza loses me a bit from the opening, and the first line of the third stanza is so abstract, while the rest of the images are more concrete. I would say anything you can do to encourage concreteness in this poem is what you want.

Beautiful, overall. I’ll be specific, since there are only a few minor things from making this a gem.

The first stanza needn’t be revised. Second, however, gets a little soft—“sky beats down” and “white as day” could be stronger images. They’re not as original as some of the more beautiful moments you come up with (“turbines in the ground”, “bullied crows” etc)

The third stanza, too – “in and out and in between” is not as strong as the rest, especially since the last line is STUNNING. You want the line preceding it to hold it’s own as well.

Again, being very specific because it’s worth going through it word for word to make it really fantastic. :)

M

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December 15, 2007

by Squigglesy

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
261	68.4% (57 votes)	34.0%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
20	M	United Kingdom	September 09

Perceptive as always in your review – thanks and I’ll work on it!

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