the invisible line to which i refer would be the nations borders. Thanks so much for taking time to review my work!
Haiku/Senryu / Immigrant
My family starves.
There is no work for me here.
How can we survive?
Invisible line
I think you can’t refuse me.
I take so little.
Hope lies in plenty.
Although I am not with them,
My family smiles.
How can you not share
When I find in your refuse
An honest living?
I feel your anger.
My poverty threatens you,
Causing discomfort.
You need not fear me.
I do not want to take yours.
I just want my own.
Opportunity;
It’s all I really ask for.
I’m not a beggar.
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jweeble reviewed Version 1 -
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Beautifully voiced.
Honest, eloquent statement-
What’s right, rights, and wrongs.
Had to review to give you all tens. Superb.
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esmaril reviewed Version 1 -
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I like this poem and think that it has potential. You could put in some more feeling to help this poem seem more interesting. In the second stanza what do you mean by an invisible line?
lovescreature reviewed Version 1 -
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Your imagery here is haunting but strong and to the point. Great work and well said. I like that you told ‘them not to be threatened and that you want your own fortune, and made it clear that you were not a beggar’, or what ever character you may have been describing. Good write.
Jimmel104 reviewed Version 1 -
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A beutiful sad poem, story. You have made your point in a poignant manner befitting the genre you have chosen.
ezmerkat reviewed Version 1 -
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The structure works well and the individual stanzas speak quietly, but together they add up to a powerful statement. The opinion is there but not forceful or brash. I like it. In a world of loud voices…a quiet but powerful statement is nice to see.
Taoistpunk reviewed Version 1 -
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The plight of the homeless…I get where you are going with this. Thanks for the look inside.
tentoes reviewed Version 1 -
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Fine work! I usually don’t care for this form with multiple stanzas, but you pulled it off quite nicely here. One of the reasons I often find fault with longer versions of this form is that content/meaning seem to suffer from the attempt to fit them into strict form rules. Here is a fine example of an exception---- delightful!
smiles,
toes
saex4u reviewed Version 1 -
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this creates obscurity,
When I find in your refuse
Outside of that its great really great.
PiPsucks reviewed Version 1 -
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In such a small amount of lines you were able to emit such strong emotions. You used great words and I really think you portrayed the feeling.
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