thanks :)
Humor/Satire / This is success
Today I had a premonition. I saw my ominous future.
I was walking to school, well to the bus stop.
Anyway, I had to walk through the Primary School on the way to the shops because my bus ticket ran out last Friday and I needed a new one.
On my way through the Primary School I saw my future.
I saw two middle-aged women, who had just dropped their kids off at school, talking to each other. They were both borderline obese, dressed in plain baggy beige, and the slightly older one had a very out of proportion lap-dog connected to her wrist via a red strap.
The dog was barking at a midget on a bike.
As I walked past I heard the women utter their farewells, “Enjoy your walk” cried one in a VERY Australian accent(think Kath and Kim) and the other replied in a more bearable voice “Have a nice day” and then it dawned on me. This is what I look forward to? The years of my life spent learning, pondering and understanding surmount to nothing more than forced goodbyes and smalltalk? Everything I do works towards owning a house with 2.3 children, a borderline obese husband and a set of toes that I won’t be able to see for my stomach.
I doubt I’ll be unhappy when I succeed at this. I expect I’ll be pleasantly content. And that is a big problem for me.
My imagination held this foreboding thought with a grip tighter than the younger woman’s belt(which I’m surprised hadn’t popped off and blinded the surrounding midgets) and ran with it, projecting horrific thoughts of my future into my terrified brain.
The highlight of my day will be that hour of the afternoon, just before the kids get home, the chicken will be in the oven and I will be sprawled before the TV with a packet of biscuits watching the epidsode of Oprah I recorded the day before. Then on Sunday morning I’ll visit the hair salon and sit around discussing cake recipes with other borderline obese women who have 2.3 kids, while some young 20-something colours my hair and I moan on about how ‘I used to have a figure like that… blah blah blah” and she smiles and agrees.
I’ll spend my evenings having deep and meaningful conversations with my husband about how my boss is having it off with the receptionist while I secretely envy her.
My chubby-hubby and I will have boring sex, with no passion… no spark. All my orgasms will be faked, and so will his. I don’t expect this will be so much of a problem as we’ll probably only fuck once a month or so.
And so I shall live my life in a state godforsaken contentness and on my deathbed I shall realise how absolutely mediocore my life really was.
And this, people, is what we all strive for. This is modern-day-happiness. This is success.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
Weaver reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
” out of proportion lap-dog” – hyphenate “out-of-proportion” – “lapdog” is one word
comma after “As I walked past”
period, not comma, after “their farewells”
comma after “your walk”
comma before “and the other replied”
comma after “bearable voice”
comma after “nice day”
“epidsode of Oprah” – italicize “Oprah”
“‘I used to have…” – you have a single quotation mark on one end and a double on the other
comma after “with the receptionist”
comma after “much of a problem”
“a state godforsaken contentness” – “a state of…contentedness” – comma after
“modern-day-happiness” – “modern-day happiness”
This does seem like it should be in Blogging instead. Although there are some amusing (yet disturbing) images, this piece isn’t primarily humorous.
I disagree with your statement that “this, people, is what we all strive for.” I dislike all-inclusive statements about people anyway (there’s nothing that can be said about everyone, except perhaps that we are all human), and I know that not all people strive for the life you describe. I see the point you are trying to make, but could you phrase it a little differently?
- add/view comments (0)
DCAllen reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I’m glad to see you back and writing. This is good. I hope you are writing a lot each day—because you are very good.
Proofreading notes:
secretely (typo)
contentness = contentedness
contentness and on my deathbed (insert comma)
nelson1 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
I like this piece, but agree it is more suited to bloggs, then again it is slightly satirical.
There is no law saying we have to have 2.3 kids and be obese. I have none of these I’m 38 lol. Be free, don’t be that stereo-type unless you want to be.
Resonably written though a little repetative at the begginning, about walking, going to school and shopping for a pass.
Not sure of the relevence of the midgit on the bike, but the rest especially the reference to afternoon TV and gossip and boring sex was well done.
Nani reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
Hmm. First off, I think you have posted in a good place, and you have talent, keep writing.
You repeat the idea that you dread your future a little too often; you could rein that in a bit. I think painting a picture of middle-class hopelessness has been done a few too many times; perhaps you could just focus on what it is about the two ladies, about the whole (however brief) encounter, that you didn’t like (obviously the weight thing is one aspect). And what’s up with the midgets?
Good effort, look forward to seeing any revisions you might make.
blimprue reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
I think this should probably be in the HORROR section! I wasn’t quite sure as to why your speculation concerning your future life has such a negative spin. You could have just as easily seen the two domesticated, beached-whales, and had an extended fantasy about everything you would do to avoid being a happy, domesticated hippo with a near impotent husband…
Do you have any insight as to why this was the premonition generated? Do teenagers naturally turn pessimistic when see dogs bark at midgets? Though the “very Australian accent” reference went over my head, I thought this was well written with a good eye for detail, just left me wondering how you came upon this frame of mind…
the_ringer reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
this was enjoyable. i’m not sure how it’s possible to be borderline obese, though. either, you are obese or you are not obese—no ambivalence. 2.3 kids. haha favorite part is when they’re all in the salon going on about how things ‘used’ to be. as if they were ever that great in the first place.
Emilee reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
I agree. I am in constant fear that one day, i won’t have the same dreams. I want to do things with my life! I am ME and demand to be allowed to remain so! But, you must see some interesting people too, people who you say, they laugh! they talk! they wear a size 3! It might be you one day.
texasginru reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
I think you put into words the thoughts a lot of us have had. As I sit here chomping on my biscuit, pausing to see what Oprah has to say, I wonder if my own life hasn’t turned out this way. So seize the day and make it what you want to be.
LMPATE reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
I think this should have been in blogging. I saw no humor in this. Your work shows the worry of woman; if I don’t marry by 25 am I a failure or is the failure marrying just to be married? Is there more to life? I think you wrote your feelings well in this and that is good.
Cherie reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
This commentary is a great beginning for a short story using satire. The overall concept of settling for mediocre vs striving for the best is universal. This work does hold up to ridicule the follies of a middle age ho-hum life. So, as far as that goes, this is satire. Developing more irony could work for you. I see a bit of this with ”...on Sunday morning I’ll visit the hair salon and sit around discussing cake recipes with other borderline obese women who have 2.3 kids, while some young 20-something colours my hair and I moan on about how ‘I used to have a figure like that… blah blah blah” and she smiles and agrees.” That’s a great line.
At this point, it’s more blog material, but I see potential in this becoming a real short story.
Showing 1 - 10 of 11
Next →
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Item Stats
GENERAL
11 Reviews 13 Comments
Version 1
Latest Activity: 5 months ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 51 Times
Skipped: 0 Times
Ratings & Rankings
