Sci Fi & Fantasy / Airean - Chapter 1
It was a dark night. Heavy rain laden clouds were blowing in from the west, blocking out the bright full moon overhead. Only the light from the fireflies buzzing on the cool night air made anything visible. Even those lights flickered off and on as an almost silent flap of wing swooped down to claim another of the brightly glowing insects. The owls weren’t the only ones hunting.
Two shadows moved along the top of a high ridge. A vast meadow occupied one side, a small farm house the other. They crept silently through the trees and shrubs growing everywhere except at the very point of the ridge. The small lights bobbing overhead showed where not to step, lest they slip and fall. The shadows kept close to one side of the ridge, but back amongst the trees should the moon come out to reveal them. The cricket chirps nearby fell silent and a shadow ducked as wings beat close overhead. The chirping resumed and the shadows moved on.
At a small clearing they stopped and crouched to wait. They don’t have to wait long. A small break in the clouds revealed the moon, and their destination. A dark hand stretched out to point to the small house below. The other shadow nodded in confirmation. As they looked around to find a path down the steep jagged side of the cliff, the crickets once again fell silent. One shadow looked back. Not only the crickets but all the other sounds of night life had disappeared. No beating of wings passed by. Even the tiny floating lanterns had been extinguished.
The shadow stood up and walked back among the trees, searching for a reason for the sudden eerie silence. A flash of moonlight behind and to the side caught its attention and it spun to meet the adversary. Only too slowly. It gasped in a breath as it felt the sharp sting of raw flesh being suddenly opened. The other shadow shot to its feet and turned at the sudden rush of movement and splattering sound. Another flash of moonlight turned red as the seconds’ chest was hacked open. Eyes wide with shock, a veiled third shadow simply stared back, holding a bloody axe. The body fell back. Muted thumps bounced up the cliff.
Chirps and buzzing filled the air once more. Clouds blew over, covering the moon, and the fireflies glowed brightly to reveal a shallow breathing corpse and nothing more.
Connor rolled over in bed and groaned. The bright morning sun had just peaked over the mountain tops and shone in through his window. It felt like he had just fallen asleep only to be rudely woken again a minute later. The dreams he never remembered left him feeling tired, if not exhausted. He had had another one and it made for another restless night. All he wanted to do was pull the pillow over his head and drift off to sleep. His father wouldn’t take kindly at having to wake him once again though.
Sighing his displeasure at a morning come too soon, Connor pushed the blanket aside and sat up, stretching. Swinging his legs over the side of his pallet, he reached back, underneath the blankets.
It was getting cooler in the mornings and he hated putting on cold clothes, so he kept them underneath the blankets, next to him while he slept. That way they wouldn’t be freezing when he put them on in the morning. He dressed quickly and started pulling the blankets up to the pillow. He glanced at the foot of the bed when the blankets were short. Bright blue eyes were watching him.
“You know Zain, if I’m late because I can’t make my bed properly, it’s going to be your fault.” The fluffy white cat simply stared back. Connor huffed in annoyance and grabbed the blanket again, pulling it and the cat further up the bed. Zain walked to the center of his newly made sleeping quarters and lay down, regally crossing his paws.
“So you think you’re the king of the bed now?” Zain casually glanced up at his master. Connor rolled his eyes but gave the cat a quick scratch under the chin and hurried out of the room.
The delicious smell of bacon hit him as soon as he stepped into the hall. His stomach was rumbling by the time he reached the kitchen. If the morning had been overcast and he hadn’t woken up with the rising sun, the smell of breakfast would have gotten him out of bed. It always did.
Connor saw his mother beating her fists into a big pile of dough on the counter. She glanced up when he entered the kitchen and headed for the table.
“Good morning,” she said cheerfully.
“That dough tries hitting back, you let me know.” His mom laughed and swatted him as he passed.
“Breakfast is on the table.” Connor grunted in reply.
Sitting down, he frowned at his plate. “No bacon?”
His mother looked back over her shoulder and frowned. “There should be.” She gave the dough another good hit then shook her head. “That cat of yours must have snuck onto the table and got them. That’s what you get for sleeping in.”
Connor grunted again then got up and walked over to the frying pan where more bacon was sizzling. He grabbed three hot strips then went back to the table. His mother looked over her shoulder again, concern lacing her brow.
“Rough night?” Connor shrugged his shoulders as he quickly ate.
The dreams had started a few years back and had been harassing him ever since. His parents shrugged it off when he had first told them about it. They figured if he couldn’t even remember what he dreamt, there was nothing to worry about. That was until his father found him unconscious outside the house one morning. After that, they took him more seriously.
Connor quickly finished up what was left on his plate. He was late enough and didn’t want to keep his father waiting. Grabbing his cloak hanging by the door, he tied it around his neck and gave his mom a quick kiss on the cheek before heading out.
Rounding the corner of the house a cold gust of wind blew past. The cloak whipped out, trying to escape with the invisible accomplice, but settled back down as the gust moved on. Connor grabbed it and wrapped it around himself to ward off the sudden goose bumps that quickly covered his body. The days were still warm but the morning chill was lasting longer. It wouldn’t be long before the first snow started falling.
He rubbed his hands together and walked across to the stable. A quiet whine told him his father was still preparing for the day’s work. He entered through the open wooden doors and saw his father strapping the tools they would need to his saddle. Kade glanced over when Connor stepped up to gave Lane, his father’s gelding, a quick good morning pat.
“Little late today,” his father said as he put a wooden mallet in its place on his saddle.
Connor went over and entered the stall where his black mare Sadie was waiting. “I know. Woke up a little late.” He gave her a quick good morning scratch on her neck. She softly nuzzled against his chest with her own good morning.
He turned and grabbed the blanket off the top of the stall’s wall where he had left it the night before and spread it out along Sadie’s back. With the mornings being cooler he pulled the blanket out further than what was necessary for the saddle to help keep her warm. Then he went and retrieved his saddle.
As he started strapping and buckling it on, he glanced at this father’s progress. He was a little behind, but because his father had to secure all the tools they would need onto his makeshift tool saddle, it took him a little longer to ready his horse. When he finished, his father was already atop Lane and waiting for him. He led Sadie out of the stall and followed his father to the open doors. Grabbing the wooden staff leaning against the wall, Connor slid it into its place on his saddle then climbed up and urged Sadie after Lane. When they reached a wider part of the trail to town, Connor sped Sadie up to walk beside the other horse.
“So what are we doing today?” His father seemed to be thinking of something and the answer was a moment in coming.
“Just a few repairs. The usual. We have to re-thatch some spots at Jason’s then head over to Mitch’s place. He was late getting in from his supply run a couple nights ago and something spooked his horses. He told me they just bolted off the road for no apparent reason. They turned so sharply, he was thrown off the wagon and had to run after them.”
Connor lifted an eye brow in surprise. “You mean he wasn’t hurt?”
His father shook his head. “It would take more then a little tumble like that to keep Mitch down.” Connor agreed with that. The baker was by no means a small man. Most people mistook him for a blacksmith with how big he was.
“Anyway he eventually found the horses. They were still tied to the wagon but they had stopped because one of the axles had broken. Took him half the night to drag it the rest of the way to town.”
Connor shook his head. “I always thought those horses were fearless.”
His father smiled over at him. “Even the bravest of men or creatures have fear. What one needs is courage to stand up against their fears and not cower at the sight of it. Only then will they be able to conquer it.”
Connor nodded in silent contemplation. His father always seemed to be teaching him something throughout his life.
When he was younger and other boys were learning to use swords and other weaponry, his father had forbid it. Instead he taught Connor how to use a staff. He was upset at first with not being allowed to learn how to use even the most basic weapon, but soon he was adamant in learning how to use this new one. His father stopped giving him lessons after a time. Any new lessons were strictly mental. After they started sparing, Connor expected his father to point out any errors he made, but he never did. Instead he taught him how to avoid conflict and only use force when it was necessary. To either protect himself or someone else from harm. And never to attack in anger. He told him that anger clouded ones judgment and could cause him to do something he might deeply regret after.
Connor jerked his head up as a thunderous booming sound split through the serenely quiet morning. Birds shot noisily from their perches, screeching warning calls as they scattered. Foliage shook violently as small hidden animals ran for safety. He looked up but the sky was completely clear of any dark clouds. That meant the sound could only have come from one other thing.
Sadie had stopped beside Lane and was nervously looking around. Connor patted her on the neck to reassure her then looked over at his father. Kade was staring straight ahead, seeming to gauge how far the animal was. He glanced at Connor’s worried expression and patted his shoulder.
“Thundercat?” Connor asked nervously. His father nodded.
“I don’t think its close. They can be heard from quite far away, but keep your guard up. Let me know if you see or hear anything else.” Connor nodded, and kept a wary eye out as they started off again.
Thundercat’s were very elusive creatures and for the most part stayed far away from humans. Connor had only seen one once and didn’t care to repeat the encounter. He had been out hunting one day when he came across some fresh deer tracks. He silently followed them along an almost invisible trail through the undergrowth until he came across a nearby stream. The deer was a good ten paces away, taking a long drink. Connor crouched down low and readied an arrow. He started creeping slowly towards it but froze when the deer suddenly looked up. He held his breath to keep from making any noise but the deer seemed to have heard him and bolted across the stream. Connor shot to his feet and took aim, thinking to hit it with a lucky shot.
That was the first time he heard it. The loud roar almost sounded like thunder booming across the sky with a bit of felineness added in. Connor watched as the deer stopped dead in it tracks. A huge beast of an animal stepped out of the bushes in front of it, a good twenty paces away. The deer frantically turned back and started running towards Connor. Before it took five steps, the cat had caught up. It took a flying leap and landed on the deer’s back, clamping its powerful jaws around the neck. They both tumbled with the force of the hit but the cat managed to retain its hold. With wide eyes, Connor watched as it put a large paw on the back of the kicking deer and bit down hard. He glanced away, grimacing, as the deer’s neck broke with a sickening crunch. When he looked back, the cat was standing over its kill but hadn’t started feasting. His breath caught when he realized the feline was staring straight at him.
The deer was lying dead on the other side of the stream but Connor knew if the cat decided it wanted more to eat, he wouldn’t get far before it caught up. Taut muscles rippled beneath short tan fur as the animal took a few steps into the stream towards him. He jerked back as another thunderous roar escaped the powerful maw. He wanted to run but knew that that was usually what caused animals to give chase. He wasn’t sure if his own muscles would listen to him even if he tried.
Slowly he started moving back. He kept his eyes averted to appear less threatening and made sure he kept his bow lowered. After he had backed off a bit and the cat was satisfied it didn’t have to fight for its kill, it turned around, picked the carcass up and calmly padded off into the forest. Connor waited a few minutes after it had disappeared, then turned and sprinted home as fast as he could.
He shook his head as the memory sent his heart racing again. Looking around he noticed the forest had returned to its natural peaceful state. Some of the birds returned and were singing their merry songs, as if they hadn’t been interrupted. Sadie had calmed down as well and was grazing on any grass she could reach near the trail.
The uneasiness of a nearby predator drifted away and was unwillingly replaced by the thought of the one job Connor was excited to do. He wondered how bad the axle was. Usually he wanted to get their work done quickly so he could have some free time with his friends, but not today. Doing work for the baker was the only job he was glad to do. He wondered if Marina would be watching them work, or if she would be too busy learning about her parents business. It had been almost a week since he had seen her last and he was getting anxious.
He hadn’t always been interested in the baker’s daughter. He and his friend’s had even teased her when they were younger, as all young boys did to girls. All that changed at the last midsummer’s festival, a couple months before. The festival was a special celebration the town put on to celebrate the summer harvest and, more importantly, to recognize the young men and women that were coming of age and entering adulthood.
Every girl entering womanhood that year received a special dress from the seamstress Lucia. The dresses were different from the ones she normally made so they would stand out more at the festival. All the girls were excited to get their dresses and they wore them proud.
Connor hadn’t been expecting much excitement that second night of the festival. It was the first night that most boys looked forward to. Since it was the last night before the boys were recognized as adults, the night was solely dedicated to them. There were various games set up, a gauntlet to run and a contest to see which boy was the most proficient with whatever weapon they chose to practice with.
It was more of a night to relax and have fun then to win. At the end of the night, it was also the first time the newly recognized men got their first drink of ale. For some, this was the highlight of the evening, and for others, it would be the first time they woke up with a pounding headache the next morning.
The second night was dedicated to the girls. There was less activity happening but the night was meant more for catching up with friends and, especially for the women, a time to hear all the new gossip. A bit later in the evening, all the girls participating that year would leave to prepare for the dance they had been practicing. The dance varied from year to year as each new group of girls wanted to do something different and unique.
After the dance was done, everyone would go back to eating and talking amongst themselves. Most the new women would find someone they wanted to dance with and were never shy to ask. Anyone asked to dance that night would never say no as it would have been very rude. Connor hadn’t been expecting to dance much that night since there were so few girls. He didn’t think Marina would ask him with everything he had done to her growing up. He did watch though.
When she came out of a side tent and on to the stage, Connor was awestruck. She was still the same girl he grew up with, but something had changed. She walked to her place on the platform, the material of her dark green dress lightly skirting the ground as it followed. The dress hugged her body well, outlining her womanly shape he had managed to miss up until then. Her light brown hair was pulled back in layers and streamed down past her shoulders.
The music started and the girls began to dance. There had been a few other girls on the platform but Marina was the only one he saw. Connor was mesmerized as a small breeze picked up, adding to her movements. It caught her hair as she moved around, making it dance lightly about her face. Her dress swished against the wooden platform as she moved and spun in the breeze. It was almost like a dream that Connor woke up from as the dance ended. He shook his head to clear the foggy feeling that had overcome him, but kept an eye on her. He knew she would dance with others, but would she ask him?
He needed a drink. Getting up from his seat, he made his way in an angular direction towards the platform and the barrels of ale next to it. He had to stop and talk as people congratulated him on the events the day before. He had won the weapons contest with his staff but also it was his first day as an adult. That being the case, it took a bit before he finally reached the barrels.
Just as he reached out to grab a mug and fill it up, someone tapped him on the shoulder. He turned and was surprised to be looking into Marina’s hazel eyes.
“Hi Connor. Congratulations on winning yesterday. I didn’t know you were so skilled with a staff.” Connor felt his face flush at the compliment.
“Oh thanks. Yeah, I’ve been practicing a lot to make sure I was ready. So you were watching then?”
“Of course, it was very exciting. I couldn’t take my eyes off you the way you were spinning the staff and doing all those fancy moves.” Connor laughed nervously at the thought. He hadn’t noticed her watching him. He might have lost if he did.
“Well thanks.” He looked down and shuffled his feet a bit wondering what to say. When he looked back up, Marina was watching him and smiling. “Uh so, you looked good on the stage. I mean the dance, you looked good dancing. Your dress too. Your dress is nice.”
Marina looked down and held some loose fabric out with her hands. “Really? You like it?”
“Yes, it’s very pretty.” Marina looked back up at him and smiled.
“Thank you. So, would you…like to…um… dance?” She looked up at him under her eyebrows. Her eyes seemed uncertain of his answer even though she knew what it most likely would be.
“Uh yeah, sure. Why not.”
“Great!” She grabbed his hand and pulled him towards the steps leading to the platform. One of the other girls was already there dancing and a few of the adults had gone up as well. Connor started off a little clumsy with his nerves getting the better of him but started loosening up after a few songs. He glanced out at the crowd of people watching and saw his friends, Jace and Quinn staring at them. A little embarrassed, he quickly looked away.
The third song started in slow. Not knowing what to do, Connor looked down at Marina and gave her a quick smile.
“Want to take a break?” She smiled back and moved in close to him.
“After this one.” She took one of his hands with hers and put the other on his hip. As they slowly turned to the music, Connor looked over her head out to the crowd again. He saw his mother watching him and smiling. Oh great, he thought. I’m going to hear about this tomorrow. He felt Marina move and looked down. She had placed her head against his shoulder and her eyes were closed. Connor looked away, getting nervous again.
He could still feel her head lying against his shoulder. Coming out of his deep thoughts, he saw they were approaching Gullver’s Pass. The pass was only wide enough for one horse to walk through at a time so he pulled gently on Sadie’s reins to let his father take the lead. As they entered and started making their way through the winding trail, the hair on the back of Connor’s neck suddenly stood on end. He quickly looked around but didn’t see any reason for it. He hoped it wasn’t because he was being watched by something. They didn’t stand much of a chance fighting one of the wild beasts through such a narrow corridor.
Sadie stopped. Connor snapped his head around to see the reason. Lane was standing halfway around a sharp corner and his father was looking ahead at something. Connor waited a moment but his father didn’t move.
“What is it?” he asked slowly.
Kade ignored him. Instead he quickly looked up the sides of the pass and back behind Connor. Connor did the same but didn’t see anything out of the ordinary. When he looked back, his father was giving him a piercing glare. The words came out gravelly.
“We have company.”
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Good slice of life in the first part of the story. The dance scene works well with believable characters. Overall it’s a fine set up for fantasy elements to come. I’m trying to think what would make this story exceptional and I think it will depend on how you handle the next chapter. It could be awesome!
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I loved it. Starting with the shadows followed by a description of a lovely country family. The feeling is wonderful, i even felt sorry for Connor if he had to wake up, the nervous feelings with the dance. It is wonderful.
But i would like a bit more about the thundercats. Maybe my fantasy is just to large since i see a large yellow cat with glowing eyes like really huge…
That or u ment a mountian lion :p
A comment on style: Cut the fat in your lines. I really think this will stream line the voice and I think that would really enhance the story telling. You lines can become muddy, almost heavy. (this is nothing more than my opinion, not fact.) For example: (I will really going into one section here to show you what I mean in full, but I won’t do that throughout the piece to save you credits.)
“Heavy rain laden clouds were blowing in from the west, blocking out the bright full moon overhead.”
I would cut the fat here….
“Rain laden clouds were blowing in, blocking out the bright full moon.”
This leads into-
“Only the light from the fireflies buzzing on the cool night air made anything visible.”
Now we know it’s night so we could cut the “night” before “air”. This whole sentence reads awkwardly to be honest. The beginning of any story is by far one of the most important sections. You really have to grab a hold of your reader these days. Just try to really think of what you need and what you don’t need in every sentence.
I can’t really comment on the overall theme because you don’t really get to it yet, but I would continue to read on. Good luck.
An interesting dwelve into this fictional world. And an interesting take on these characters lives and how they correspond to each other. Your writing is simplistic and easy to follow. The pacing is well constructed and gestures at just the right time for a subject change-a change in direction. It’s nicely doen and well worth the read. I usually can’t read something this long online; I lose interest way too fast. But this one kept me hanging on the ride the whole time. Well done. Well done.
A nice piece and well structured, but characters seem to lack a bit of depth. I’ve been accused of that many times, and now I have a sense of it in the work of others. My advice is to work on a piece that is heavily laden with dialogue. Lots of talking always seems to help flesh out a personality.
While the header for this piece is sci-fi/fantasy, I only mildly get the feeling that we are in the fantasy environment I think you want to portray. Perhaps a lack of the usual mise-en-place is what is throwing me off. No immediate introduction of an archetype is what the genre normally pushes for, and perhaps what i now look for in fantasy fiction.
With a bit more characterization, and perhaps a closer look at the “beasts”, this tale could turn into something special
Well, this begins rather interestingly. That dream sequence can’t help but make you curious.
The idea of keeping clothes in the bed was quite unusual, that is to say I doubt I ever would have thought of it. And you seem to have had some experience with cats and bed-making. Perhaps that’s a dumb thing to bring up but it’s so true.
“Even the bravest of men or creatures have fear. What one needs is courage to stand up against their fears and not cower at the sight of it. Only then will they be able to conquer it.”
I like that statement!
And this just seems so Jedi:
“Instead he taught him how to avoid conflict and only use force when it was necessary. To either protect himself or someone else from harm. And never to attack in anger. He told him that anger clouded ones judgment and could cause him to do something he might deeply regret after.”
But that’s not a complaint coming from me.
I enjoyed your writing and this story is quite interesting. My only sugestion would be to do something to emphize Connor’s memory, to make it different or set it apart. At first when he slipped into that memory I found myself getting confused, but that might just be me.
Other than that, I’d say good job.
There was a couple of minor errors in this writing but for story-wise, not too shabby. Just watch out for the mistakes in time:
“That dough tries hitting back, you let me know.”
(Should had been, “If that dough tries hiting back, you let me know.”)
As he started strapping and buckling it on, he glanced at this father’s progress
(Should be: ‘he glanced at this father’s progress.’)
Thundercat’s were very elusive creatures and for the most part stayed far away from humans.
(Thundercat’s were very elusive creatures and for the most part, they stayed far away from humans.)
Okay, I know I gave you a good review last time, but I’m going to have to do the same again. I’m not being sycophantic – I really think this piece has the mythical, somehow familiar feel of a Lord of the Rings type story.
I know it’s only one section, but you haven’t fallen into the trap of going into deeply complex explanations about the four cycles of the Earth’s inner Lifestream and the innate nature of the ten Xinohaemic gods and all that kind of stuff people make up for fantasy/sci-fi stories. ALthough the story clearly takes place in another world/setting, like I said, it feels kind of familiar.
Well done for not using an awkward language system as well…
I think the coming of age scene with Connor and Marina was subtle, very well-handled.
Don’t want to say much more…other than keep it up and I hope to see this story on a more popular medium format sometime in the near future..
For a first book, I think your on the right tract.
I didn’t have any problems following your story. There are a few spelling and grammar errors, but nothing your wordprocessor cannot fix.
As for how the story “flows”, I would recommend a little more research into the time period of your story.
Example:Don’t expect any feline type pets to show up in a historically accurate Medieval world- cats were feared as an omen of bad luck, and killed on sight in most places. Dogs and falcons were the preferred pet of choice.
Did young men have to make thier beds?
Also I thought in some places you may have rushed into a flashback.
I know your trying to get the main characters involved early, but I would recommend elaborating on some of the current instances.
Example: I couldn’t help wonder the profession of connor’s father? Was he a blacksmith? Was connor his apprentice or did he have another planned profession?
I think your story has potential, refine it so that it flows better, and research more on the period.
Overall, a thumbs up, keep going, and I look forward to reading more.
Just a few suggestions. I won’t line edit it but the things I picked out might give you an idea what to look out for.
It was a beautiful night. Crisp, clear and cold, with only a few clouds here and there to block the deep night sky and a viewing of the moon and stars above. – Great imagery but sentence could be tighter.
Crisp, clear and cold, with only a few clouds to block the stars and moon from the deep night sky.
(Here and there is not really needed and we know it is above if we are talking about the sky)
Skipping steps down the stairs, – doesn’t really work Perhaps – “Connor took the stairs two at a time…”
I was a little confused when Connor started thinking about Marina – is he thinking back or imagining what might happen?
On the whole the structure is good as is your imagery. Your dialoge works and your characters are fleshing out nicely. You have foreshadowed that there is something nasty about and left the chapter on a cliffhanger. Good work but work on tightening the text. I find short sentences work well for the younger readers and you dont have to stress about where you put your commers.
Regards
JEDoherty
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