haha, police intervention.
“get your talons on the ground! DONT MAKE US USE TEAR GAS!”
robins swarm in
girly screams are heard
oh god, imagine if they interrogate the robins? xD (as in, they became that insaine)
Humor/Satire / channel 6 and the robin problem
[serious news music (timpani bum buh-buh-bums) echoes in the viewer’s mind while the intro graphic elapses. cameras one and two cuts around the studio from all news members smiling faces to center-stage where the old, weathered host whose got many crinkles in his face, prepares for his introduction. then camera three zooms in on him (his makeup just glows as the lights are brightened). music closes. mic levels raised. he addresses the nation.]
peter laslow: good evening, everyone. my name is peter laslow, thank you for joining us here at channel 6. breaking news. it appears that the great country of america has declared war on one of it’s very own native inhabitants. the american robin. [anchor continues speaking while a camera shows a spliced segment of isolated incidents where swarms of robin have been captured in an agitated state] robins all over the united states have been brutally attacking individuals in the streets, in their backyards, and some have even managed to make their way INTO homes via the chimney. for more details we go to leslie barbyweather, our stunning new anchor. leslie?
[leslie is young and gorgeous—she’s got piercing green eyes, long, flowing brown hair, and a soothing voice that she uses flawlessly to break down sentences into segments with all the appropriate inflections. however, she is unsure how to acknowledge the compliment and continue with her serious segment which he is half-prepared for.]
leslie barbyweather: good after…i mean, good evening, peter. it’s wonderful being on board. (in a much more dramatic voice) ROBINS. they used to chirp sweetly when americans woke up for the early commute. but now, it seems these gentle creatures have morphed into vicious birds of prey. [fast cut to her interview with a victim. the men in the news station await instruction for the next cut]
interviewed victim: i—i uh…i was walking to the car this morning when all of a sudden i hear this astounding eruption of caws and uh, well you know…next thing i know there are about 15 robins swooping at my head and i fell to the ground and curled up into the fetal position. thought i was the next worm.[leslie’s dramatic voice continues while footage is rolled, now only gentle shots of robins]
leslie barbyweather: not only could you lose an eye, you could be severely injured and in some case, KILLED (colored picture of a robin fades to black and white on the cue). i spoke to dr. appleton of mercy medical hospital for more details.
dr. appleton: well, a while ago a man came to me in a psychotic state having been convinced that the forces of nature were against him. he said of the incident, and i quote, (serious, deadpanned) “i’m going to die. god has turned the birds in the sky and the fish in the sea against the men he created in his own likeness and the women he decided to accompany them with for their happiness on earth” end quote. he died moments later out of hysteria. now, one may think this is not normal, but i can assure everyone that this kind of behavior—
[leslie cuts in with her next blurb way too early, obviously unprepared and losing her composure experiencing a psychological breakdown having just had a long-coming epiphany]
leslie barbyweather: i also spoke to a, uh…ahem, a very real scientist who maintains that birds are…that birds are never known to be territorial because they have no stress in the world, because they don’t have unwanted pregnancies, they don’t have unexpected deaths in the family, they don’t have moments of self-doubt where i wonder what i’m doing with my fucking life. i didn’t want to be in news, goddamnit. I WANTED TO SING…SING LIKE THE ROBIN THATS GOING TO KILL ME TONIGHT (peter interrupts from studio b, as the audio man kills her mic and pulls up peter’s)
peter laslow (has no idea what to say, so he continues with the prompter in a baffled tone.) thank you, leslie. you will be a great addition to the news division. you’re really going places. (shakes his head quickly to get a grip, but he’s shocked) ladies and gentlemen, robins are the most american of birds along with the northern cardinal whose name, i think, was derived from audobon’s decision to remind us that the cardinal sins in life should never be broken—
(he continues)
not only are we exponentially outnumbered, but one collective shit from these birds and our windshields will be shot and we’ll have no escape. hell, all our windshields will be shot. (peter starts to lose it as well). honey, if you can hear me. i want you to get out of bed right now, grab the gun i said i’d never use ever, ever again (by the way, shells are in the cabinet next to the nightstand) and go upstairs with caution. lock the door to the attic. close all windows…
[peter is cut off by the station moderators who switch to the much needed commercial break. aspirin commericals show birds chirping sweetly as a family runs through a field and enjoys a picnic. deafening noise is heard outside the studio. a cameraman, having assumed that the segment was bullshit, thinks it’s a thunderstorm. he decides to open a window to feel the breeze…]
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nelson1 reviewed Version 1 -
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Brynn reviewed Version 1 -
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regmusty reviewed Version 1 -
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Well worded and very clever, I thought it flowed very well and i had no trouble imagining myself watching the news bulletin as it unfolded. The choices of words at time could have been a little different to add a bit more interest, but i am being picky, overall a very good effort keep at it because their is no doubt that you have talent worth working on.
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Electric reviewed Version 1 -
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It’s incredibly strange (excuse my poor spelling). I don’t know, but I have a good hunch that the robins symbolize the wrath of God and/or the rapture (feel free to correct me if I’m wrong). I like the story, but I wouldn’t call it humor. I’d call it just a short story since it’s kind of hard to place it in one specified genre. It’s well done, and how all hell breaks down just happens in perfect synch. Good job.
yang reviewed Version 1 -
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would make a good skit. somewhat ritten as a script though. pretty funny, should’ve had the robins swarm the camera man opening the window, maybe a small bit about a robin coming up, and being nice at first, then turning pyschotic on him. i’m getting this image now of one just standing on the ground, and someone seeing it about ready to panic, the bird chirps and hops, making him more nervous, and this repeats until he panics running off setting off the bird to attack.
dar205 reviewed Version 1 -
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The stage script presentation interferes with the appreciation. If this were to be published as literature, I would recommend working it into a traditional story format. The presentation also interferes with the build up as we constantly shift gears back and forth. I think it would be better to interpolate the action with the dialog.
Emilee reviewed Version 1 -
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While this has some funny parts, I think it would fit better in the horror section. As soon as the news reporters start to lose it, I started to get chills up and down my spine! Very real, you could go places with this.
TheDestined reviewed Version 1 -
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Hey you got me to laugh out loud as I was reading this so its definitely funny. Considering the genre you did really well maybe a bit more detail of whats going on and possibly more attacks that have already happened. Throw a little police intervention in it with some of your own writing flare. Sure if you expanded on this it would be hysterical.
Reaper reviewed Version 1 -
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This was interesting. I think with a little editing it might be usable on a comedy show like MadTV or Saturday Night Live. It sounds like material they would use. Or if you switched it out of script format, it could make a good, humorous short story. Nice job.
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