good. i’m glad. “yo la tengo”= i’ve got it. spread the irrelevant word. thank you. bye. satisfying review.
Screenplay / (all together) GUESS. THAT. WORD!!
frank hosterman: hello everyone, i’m franklin hosterman and i’d like to thank you for joining me for another installment of (all together now) “GUESS THAT_.” okay, now if you missed that first word, then you are either not watching the correct program or you have an iq lower than 75—-which is fine, you know…just not the target audience we were looking for exactly. i mean, they can watch…excuse me, retards can watch but they should just not speak. wow. i’m sorry, we are moving on with the rest of the FANTASTIC show we’ve got for you tonight.
okay, now the show is fairly self-explanatory. I will give you, the audience, a sentence and you will fill in the appropriate word. when someone thinks they know the word, call out YO LA TENGO which is “i’ve got it” in spanish. is everybody ready to GUESS THAT WORD? alriiiiight. the first sentence for tonight is:
-when someone rams my car in the parking lot and speeds away, i just want to snap their_?
audience member: YO LA TENGO!!!!
frank: ohooookay, looks like we’ve got an answer. what’s the correct word?
audience member: NECK!!!!
frank: i’m sorry, you were supposed to assume that the driver of the car was asian in which case the word would be, that’s right, ‘chopsticks.’ we were looking for ‘chopsticks.’ i’m sorry. wow—we’ve got some violent people in the audience.
(crowd murmurs as if they should have known, asian woman shouts out)
asian audience member: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? that’s absolutely ridiculous. what is this, GUESS THAT RACIAL STEREOTYPE or CARLOS MENCIA? jesus christ.
frank: well, i don’t write the questions, soooo. no matter. next sentence—-these get easier folks, don’t worry. this isn’t jeopardy, here. next question.
-when i’m eating bbq wings in the mall, sitting alone and vulnerable, and a strange man eyes you carefully, protect your_?
second audience member: YO LA TENGO!!!
frank: go ahead, whats the answer?
second audience member: PURSE!!!!
frank: i’m sorry, you were supposed to assume that the man was black and had an enormous appetite in which case you would protect your, that’s right, ‘wings’. we were looking for ‘wings’.
(crowd murmurs once again as if they should have known. young black man shouts out in a mocking tone—already seeing a pattern with the program)
black audience member: you’re goddamned right. better watch those wings carefully. you never know what a black man will do. they must be hazards to society.
(frank laughs inappropriately and takes his words literally)
frank: hahaha, you are a hazard to society—-OKAAAYY, next question..
black audience member: WAIT, WAIT, WAIT…HOLD UP. YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT. I’M LETTING THIS ONE GO FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR CAREER, BUT NEXT TIME—-WE’LL BE GUESSING WHICH BONE I’M GOING TO BREAK, YA’UNDERSTAND WHAT I’M SAYIN’ TO YOU RIGHT NOW?
frank: whooohoooaa, this guy has a sense of humor. we’d better move on before anything gets out of hand here. okay, this one will be for all the white people so no one can get offended. ready?
frank: when my wife is washing dishes for me in the nude while talking dirty to me in her sexiest voice, my children are massaging my feet (unaware of their mother, of course) while reciting bible verses, and i’m playing rush limbaugh subconsciously in the background—-and i hear a strange noise outside that could possibly be the unfolding of a terrorist plot in my white, upper-class neighborhood at 3AM, i decide to call the_?
audience member: YO LA TENGO!! POLICE!!!
frank: i’m sorry, we were assuming that you’d be terrified of the fact that illegal immigrants are sneaking their way into american neighborhoods stealing our jobs, and not speaking english, so the correct word is, that’s right, ‘border patrol’. can’t be too careful, right, white america?
(again, the crowd murmurs as if they should have known. then all of a sudden, 4 white trash burst through emergency door to stage left.)
white trash #1: THIS IS A HOLD UP. EVERYBODY DOWN!! WHERE’S THE CASH REGISTER, MOTHERFUCKER? SHUT UP, SHUT THE FUCK UP. YOU WANT TO BE A HERO? YOU TRYIN’ TO BE A HERO, NOW? GET ON THE GROUND AND SPREAD YOUR SHIT!! WHERES THE SAFE?
(crowd assumes that this is some kind of joke, and one person responds)
audience member: YO LA TENGO!!!
white trash #2: SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! WHO SAID THAT?!!
(frank, by now terrified, doesn’t know what to say.)
frank: there isn’t a safe. this isn’t a store. this is a game show and the prize money isn’t sent to the winners for a week for fear they’ll be mugged after the show. you’re on live television.
white trash #2: ohh, we are? okay, well then what show are we on?
frank: guess that word.
white trash #1 ohhhhhh okay. i got a sentence for YOU.
imagine that you’re holding up a store posing as a game show. you are relying on the appearance of your piece to intimidate having only really loaded 1 bullet as a last resort. it just so happens that you’re on guess that word, with frank hosterman, the racist host who is destroying the american game show. all of a sudden you feel threatened by frank, so you aim at him and pull the_? anybody? (then in a mocking tone) “YO LA TENGO!!! TRIGGER.” CORRECTAMUNDO!!!
(he pulls the trigger)
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esotericgirl reviewed Version 2 -
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Sinner26 reviewed Version 2 -
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quette123 reviewed Version 2 -
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i am glad that you are not looking to get published because i am not sure what the target was. i don’t really know what it is that you are looking for. i didn’t really understand. it was somewhat funny because it was so outrageous.
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annie reviewed Version 2 -
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VoicesInMyHead reviewed Version 2 -
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joelville reviewed Version 2 -
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AstroBoyJ7 reviewed Version 2 -
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I like where this is going in terms of social satire but there is still has a ways to go before I would think it was ready to be used somewhere. I found it very funny though. (Especially after the Michael Richards racist meltdown last year.) You have something here, it just needs a little work.
VeeLee reviewed Version 2 -
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I certainly didn’t see the hold-up coming…I do like the last bit with the crook imitating the host. As for the rest of it, at least on the page, isn’t very funny.
I am grateful to you for passing on the definition of Yo La Tengo though…thanks for sharing.
alissakokey reviewed Version 2 -
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Really original. The game show approach, and surprise hold up are great. The social commentary is well laced into the story which is well constructed. Fun read, great characters and story.
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Version 2
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