Poetry / Countless

I think you have been seduced by the music of the first line – it’s not a bad line, but the poem may start better by plunging us straight in with ‘Reckless…’.

As there is no comma after ‘life is..’ I presume the line runs on to the next. But then would it better to have ‘this manic waking life/taunts my dreaming mind’? As ‘judging symbolic knowledge’ is a bit of a mouthful, would this be better ‘judging its symbols/too abstract to pick apart’?

In the central two lines it’s a pity you don’t carry the harbor image on – I wonder if this would suggest something more interesting than the abstract word ‘portions’.

In the last stanza the ‘they’ is a bit too distant from the conscious and subconscious of the first stanza, as there is the separation of the two line stanza in between. Without the small stanza it would be fine, but with it there is a risk of the ‘they’ being misunderstood as referring to the dreams and soul immediately above.

Also in the last stanza you might want to experiment with leaving out “of my soul” and ‘inside this brain’, particularly the latter – maybe the locations are understood and you can get a more powerful effect without stating them?

I think that this is the sort of poetry best kept to oneself. Either that or you need to make it less obscure so as not to exclude the reader. It just feels as if it’s a personal piece of writing and so it will obviously make sense to you but maybe not to others. To me certainly it came across very abstract and seemed to go nowhere in particular. I’m NOT criticising the way you write. It sounds nice and flows well but there was no idea that I was left with at the end to think about.

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December 14, 2007

by SamiDR

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26	F	United States	April 25

I understand your view. It IS an abstract meant to be pondered as you see fit, just as you have. Thanks for the review.

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“reckless- this manic, waking life is
taunting my dreaming mind, “

During this section it seems to not fit the rest of the natural flow you’ve created in the rest of the piece. I think it’s the word “is” that is misplaced. Possibly bringing it down a line for phrasing. Making it more more smoothly my phrasing it like:

“Reckless-
This manic, waking life
is taunting,
my dreaming mind”

That way the word taunting has more empasis. And comma after apart in the 5th line because you are starting a list. Period after grace in the 3 paragraph, 2nd line. Just little gramatic comma’s and periods can help with natural flow as well. Nice Piece!

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December 14, 2007

by SamiDR

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Thanks, I will take your suggestions in to consideration upon revision.

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Well to tell you the truth I don’t know how effective this poem can be. You have a mix of very basic and high brow  language which throws the meaning a bit off. Obviously it’s about the confusion you feel between life and dreams, even more so the difference between hopes and reality. I didn’t like this I felt it ended sadly and not powerfully like I think you intended.

I think that you definately have a great grasp on words and have a wonderful talent to be shaped…that being said, I think that this line describes this piece ultimately,
‘chaotic hurricane inside this brain.’
Thanks for sharing.

Not bad but it needs a hook to tie everything together.

Very nice, I like the dynamic of dreams and reality, with you in the middle, being all kicked around.  The beginning of the last stanza was a little confusing: the first line makes me think of some outside party that’s never referred to trying to control these pieces, and the “collide with natural grace” is really hard to picture, the words are a little contradictory.  Good Job.

I like your imagery most of all. And how you’ve taken dreams as uncontrollable adventures rather than daydreams.
What does ‘aquiesce’ mean?
And in the third section, should the comma after ‘quiet cries’ maybe be after ‘natural grace’? I’m not sure, I’m not very good with commas.

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December 14, 2007

by SamiDR

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acquiesce = To rest satisfied, or apparently satisfied, or to rest without opposition and discontent (usually implying previous opposition or discontent); to accept or consent by silence or by omitting to object.

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I really, really like the middle stanza – the ‘In dreams…my soul’ image is absolutely fantastic. The last stanza of the poem is too much a reflection of the first however, and I found myself getting a bit lost in wondering if there was any point to it. I dunno – I like your piece, but would suggest that you either remove the first or last stanzas or replace them with a less introspective perspective so that the reader can see some meaning or purpose for the overall imagery. Hope this helps.

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December 14, 2007

by SamiDR

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158	38.5% (13 votes)	34.7%

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26	F	United States	April 25

Thanks for your view I will definitely take another look at it with an outside perspective and see what I can do :)

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The idea has merit but the wording is awkward.