Poetry / sugarspun

To start of a poem, prose or otherwise, with a line like: And this and this and this.  is just not a good idea.  You are already throwing off your readers in the sense of trust you want for them to have in you so they will take you seriously and continue to read.  This seems meant for the form called spoken word than written.  Therefore, I gave it a low mark.

To make this work as a written piece, you need to be more forthcoming with your images and ideas. Your first line doesn’t do that at all… but your last phrase does.  So you know how to do it. Why don’t you?

I think you should consider putting in more for your reader so they can see what you see and they can understand what you understand.

I read it 3 times and each time I still didn’t really get a complete picture of what you were trying to get across.  

i loved this. quite original with a bit of a dirty feel. a fantastic write throughout. i do wish the lines were broken up a bit, but i know that was intentional, so to each their own i guess.

well it was very jumbled and indeed rushed so you have definitly acheived that aspect of this writing.but i did enjoy reading it very much.

I really like this. It’s written in “my” style of writing. Which some people don’t get. Your words are great and very descriptive though simple. I can image each sentance in my head and very visual. I think it’s great.