Thanks for your review! I did forget to spell-check it (sometimes we creative types aren’t the most sensible people when it comes to technical issues) thanks for reminding me. I was re-reading it and I agree that I overused a lot of verbs…I’ll try to cool it in my next chapter. Thanks again! :-)
Humor/Satire / Drama on the Mount, Ch. 4 - "Homecoming Queen"
Hera sat at a small oak table accompanied by her white-robed sister, Hestia.
“Oh sweetie, it’ll be alright. You did the right thing,” said Hestia trying to comfort her distraught sister.
“I know, I know. But I still worry about the children. I don’t want them to think I left because of them,” said Hera getting a bit misty-eyed.
“Oh, I’m sure they don’t think that at all,” Hestia reassured her and then turned to call out to their sister Demeter, who had been in her room for over a half hour. “Demeter ”
“I just need so bad to know they’re okay. Do you think that maybe I should go back? You know, I mean, to check on them?” asked Hera.
“No honey, Zeus needs to deal with them for once. You work yourself half to death and what does he do?” advised Hestia before calling out “Demeter ” once more, this time a little louder.
“But…maybe he’s learned his lesson by now. I mean, I’ve never just taken off before like this. I should go back.”
“Hera, if you do that Zeus won’t have learned anything from all this and he’ll just go on thinking that he can screw any nymph he sees while you’re at home washing his boxers and trying to keep Hephaestus from playing with matches. Trust me, don’t go back,” Hestia warned as she emptied her cigarette’s ash into a small white dish before yelling “DEMETER ” at the top of her lungs causing Hera to jump a little.
Just then Demeter came out of her room chuckling, her floral crown crooked and missing petals.
“Demeter, I’ve been calling you for the past hour. Do you want to go to this pumpkin festival or not?” Hestia asked sternly.
“Not pumpkins. Gourds,” corrected Demeter in an unusually mellow tone.
Hestia raised an eyebrow and asked, “Are you stoned?”
“No,” said Demeter, trying to conceal a giggle.
“Yes you are. Oh gods Demeter, why are you such a stoner? Why can’t you be more responsible? That’s why Persephone eloped with Hades you know. Maybe if you didn’t act so irresponsible all the time, she’d still be with her mother where she belongs and I wouldn’t have had to come babysit you.”
“Is that why you came Hestia?” asked Hera.
“Yeah,” Hestia responded as she took a drag of her cigarette, “Demeter here got in trouble for stealing medicinal marijuana from Dr. Asclepius. He promised not to press charges if I kept an eye on her while she’s in town. That and I found her sleeping in a bush, stoned out of her mind…”
“I wasn’t that stoned ” interrupted Demeter.
Hestia continued without batting an eyelash, “I figured it was because she owed so many people money that she couldn’t find a place to stay. So I pulled some strings and here we are. Don’t ask me how someone decides they’re going to go on a trip someplace without first making the necessary accommodations…but that’s Demeter for you, always acting like the baby of the family,” Hestia explained.
“Um, I’m standing right here ” Demeter exclaimed.
“Oh Demeter, admit it. You’ve always been irresponsible, that’s why you’ve never had a husband,” admonished Hestia.
“Look who’s talking, ‘Miss I-Stay-Home-All-Day-With-My-Fifty-Cats-Painting-Precious-Moments-Figurines.’ I hate to break it to you, but your phone’s not exactly ringing off the hook there either ” Demeter shot back.
“Why you…dirty pothead ” Hestia shouted.
“Spinster ” Demeter retorted.
Hera’s eyes merely followed each of her sisters as they shot insults at one another.
“You take that back you mushroom-popping hippie ” Hestia exclaimed as she stood up from the table, putting her cigarette out.
“Now come on you two, settle down this instant ” Hera chimed in, attempting to calm everybody down.
“Ah shut your cakehole, Miss Priss ” Demeter shouted.
“Seriously. Just because you’re Queen. I could’ve been Queen too y’know,” Hestia remarked.
Demeter scoffed at her.
“Oh really Hestia? I’d think that would be quite a difficult feat for a shut-in like you to accomplish ” stated Hera in her regal tone.
Hestia’s jaw dropped.
“Well how dare you I’m not a shut-in…I just hate people ” Hestia explained.
“And what about me? You know Zeus and I are going through a rough time and here you are giving me problems when all I’m trying to do is keep the peace between you two ” Hera responded.
Demeter started laughing uncontrollably as her two sisters argued.
Hestia began to cry, then Hera followed suit.
Just then Demeter stopped laughing, “I think that pot was…laced…with something. Oh ” she cried as she clutched her forehead and dropped backwards onto the floor.
Hera and Hestia broke their crying fit momentarily to look over at Demeter before looking back at each other and crying some more.
Five minutes later Hera apologized in between sniffles, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said what I said.”
“No, I’m sorry. I was way out of line,” Hestia responded.
“It’s just everything with Zeus, you know? I’m just so frazzled.”
“I know hun…believe me, I know. I’m going through menopause, I’m always frazzled,” Hestia remarked.
“One thing you said that was true Hera…is that I’m a miserable shut-in. And do you know why?” Hestia asked.
“Um…because you’re a man-hating feminist?” Hera asked.
“No…well, partly…it’s because I never met ‘the one.’ Never. See, even though you and Zeus spend whole decades fighting with each other sometimes, he’s still your ‘one’ and you’re his,” Hestia explained.
“You really think so?” asked Hera.
“Hera, yes. Zeus loves you,” answered Hestia.
“Oh that’s not true,” Hera said, half-scoffing.
“Yes it is,” came a familiar voice from behind them.
It was Zeus, bouquet of flowers in hand, still garbed in the results of Aphrodite’s make-over.
“Zeus? Why are you dressed like that? And more importantly, what are you doing here?” asked Hera.
“Well, a) Aphrodite and b) because whether you believe me or not, I really do love you Hera and the kids. They love you, too. They need you…and so do I. Please come home to us,” Zeus asked in as sincere a tone as he could muster.
Hestia lit up another cigarette as she fanned herself lightly with her hand.
“You’re choked up too?” Hera asked.
“Huh? Oh no, I’m having a hot flash. Don’t mind me ” Hestia responded.
“Oh Zeus, that was the sweetest thing you’ve said to me in eons,” Hera said as she leaned in to kiss her husband.
“Does this mean your strike is over?” asked Zeus.
“Yes.”
“Oh thank you, thank you, thank you I promise I’ll be good from now on, no more forgetting your birthday or running around. I swear it ” Zeus exclaimed emphatically.
“I believe you Zeus. Mostly because I doubt any woman in her right mind would come near you dressed like that,” Hera said with a smile.
Zeus laughed a little.
Hera turned to face Hestia and hugged her.
“Hestia. Thank you for being here for me,” she said.
“Ah don’t mention it hun, what are sisters for?” Hestia replied.
Hera then knelt down by the still-passed out Demeter and kissed her on the forehead.
“Goodbye little sister Sleep tight,” Hera said as she rejoined Zeus.
“Let’s return home, my Queen,” he said as he took hold of her hand and kissed it.
The reunited couple then disappeared in a flash of multi-colored lightning as Hestia waved them off.
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DCAllen reviewed Version 1 -
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Entertaining. This part is a bit less satirical than the other part I read. Zeus and Hera come off as real people. I’m not sure if this is what you’re going for.
Proofreading notes:
A lot of the terminal commas are missing in your dialogue.
” . . . at each other and crying some more.” (Here, I expected a humorous reaction.)
you Hera and = you, Hera, and
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faydiablo reviewed Version 1 -
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That was good, but really random. I think that Zeus appeaing out of nowhere and sweeping Hera off her feet is such a cliche. (I love Greek mythology, though, so that didn’t bother me too much) The arguements between the sisters were off balance and wierd, shifting to yelling to laughing to crying, but it was funny.
isis1981 reviewed Version 1 -
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This 75 word review has not been unlocked.
Nani reviewed Version 1 -
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The dialogue has a good patter to it, sounds like conversation between mortals. There are a lot of punctuation and spelling issues, you should spell check this. Also, I think the word “said” is a little underused here, you could stand to drop a few verbs like shouted, retorted, remarked. There’s just too many of them, becomes a bit of a distraction.
Good work!
Reaper reviewed Version 1 -
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I must read the rest of your work! This is great! I love how Hestia is going through menopause “Huh? Oh no, I’m having a hot flash. Don’t mind me ” and how Demeter is a stoner. But I think my favorite part has to be ‘Miss I-Stay-Home-All-Day-With-My-Fifty-Cats-Painting-Precious-Moments-Figurines.’ That was priceless. Nice work!
EJSchwartz reviewed Version 1 -
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I’m sorry but I don’t really see the humor here. Also, you need to break up the lines. Your lines are a little too long. Instead of saying “The reunited couple then disappeared in a flash of multi-colored lightning as Hestia waved them off.” Why not say, “The couple disappeared in a flash of multi-colored lightening as Hestia waved them off.” You can leave the same impression, but use less words. I flows better that way.
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