Thanks for the review, though I know it has been quite a while :) I’m glad you enjoyed it, I know the imagery was a bit scarce…it was the first time I’d ever attempted a narrative poem, so I did the best I could…but this is definitely something I shall keep an eye on in my future endeavors. I was actually thinking of turning the idea into a series of short stories, another idea which has yet to be manifested. All in good time though :)
Poetry / Dream of a Past Life
In my dreams
There I live
A thousand lives
A day
Living in this one
Revealed the past
In a most disconcerting way
I’ll never forget it
At once real and chimeric
Unfettered by this pen
Come then
Let me tell you
It was in old days gone by
In China’s Shanghai
He and I were together
Just as we are today
But enacting evil was our stock in trade
Upscale assassins we were, paid
To impede lives from living
In this, my forgotten memory
He in his tophat
Me riding his coattails
In a bright scarlet dress
His name, no one knew
When they asked he’d simply chew
His tobacco, then shoot a quick glance
That shocked their very spines
And tickled mine
I smirked, amused by the fear he inspired
Of that sinister smirk…I never tired
“Black Pepper!” he urged, snatching me from reverie
Was that then my nickname?
I followed him, whatever came
Always close behind
Through every thorn-ridden thicket
Through every midnight sky
‘Til one day we came upon
A man who would not repay his debt
He soon paid a heftier price
As a corpse within a carpet
So smug were we, Black Pepper and he
The thought that we two would one day lose
Couldn’t have been further from view
But what goes on in the darkness
Is always brought to light
“They know!” you screamed one day
In fright
As you rummaged through our hideout
“We must flee, but first,
there’s something you’ve got to retrieve
For you, for us…for me
A key
To a safe that houses riches beyond our wildest dreams.”
“But where should I look?”
“At the home of the Three, it must’ve fallen there
Last week…when I was conducting some business.”
“I’ll go…you know I’d do anything for you.”
“Good, while you’re at it, I’ll get our papers ready, then we’ll
fly the coop.”
So I went in that red dress
Ready to find the key—no small feat
For these three viragos
Female pirates, killers and thieves
Ran a black market adoption agency
Its name, “One Big Happy Family.”
As I open the door, I’m seized
By a quick yet corpulent arm
It’s the one who wears all pink
Fuchsia’s never been so frightening
Nor cause for such alarm
She tosses me into a room with barred windows
And a back door blocked off
By a barricade of furniture
She and the other three speak amongst themselves
Voices bellowing
My belly yellowing
Fear invading me like a virus
Then the sound of a door slamming shut
My senses sharpen, my mind runs wild
I’m trapped, trapped…just like a child
All the world seems to flash red
Lucky for me though
My instincts prove stronger than dread
I need to find the key, need to break free
Before the three Furies return
I look at the sofa blocking the door
And catch a glint of something more
It’s a key!
I hear a clickety-clack
Oh no! They’re coming back
Through the front
Just then, I’m two-for-two
Underneath a tattered rug
Lay a cellar door
Opening with a strong tug
I slip down and then out
A window in the basement
Looking back occasionally
In amazement
I made it! Now to go home
At once we depart
Make our way through the airport
Just then I feel a hand grab a stray thread from my dress
I see thickly-rimmed glasses on a seated man
My dress in his grasp, a badge in his free hand
My nameless pulls me close, tries to whisk me away
But the decision is mine
Which path do I take?
One is chaos, the other refuge
But which one is which?
I think that not even I know anymore.
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Dexus reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow! So unique :)
Was this a real dream? I don’t see you needing much in reviews for this. It’s already wonderful.
Three things I noticed: “fly the coop” is a little cliche. But not all cliche is bad. It’s cliche for a reason! So if it works for you, keep it :)
Secondly: you always speak about your nameless in 3rd person, except for 2 lines…
”’They know!’ you screamed one day
In fright
As you rummaged through our hideout.”
Was this intentional?
Finally, the stanza beginning with “At once we depart” has lines that are longer than the rest. They work in telling the story, but they’re not as broken up as the others. I’m not an expert with poetry revision. I’ve written a lot of poems but am far from professional, especially as far as technicalities go, but it just seems out of place. Though again, it completes the story so I’m lost as to whether to work on it or keep it that way :)
I’ve always written my dreams down, and written some creatively as a story-telling, but never in a poem! I’ll have to try this :) You did a wonderful job :) Definitely adding to my favorites.
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Reaper reviewed Version 1 -
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I really like this. It is quite a bit different from your Drama on the Mount work, but just as entertaining and well-written. I couldn’t even find a single grammar error. I like the storyline feel you have going on too, but it almost seems like you should have more or a part 2 or something. Also, while I really loved some of the imagery you used:
“Through every thorn-ridden thicket
Through every midnight sky”
It feels like the end is a little rushed and that there isn’t enough of that imagery of yours that I admire so. :)
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