Thank you, I’m glad you enjoyed the Lord’s Prayer portion.
Poetry / We Prayed that Night
Winter’s walkway lies covered
in Death’s dust.
Cold to touch,
it fills my shoes
on my effort-filled stumblings
through barren lands.
A dead forest,
Winter’s forest,
stands before me.
Naked and trembling
the ice touch
takes their lives.
Soon,
I will join them.
I sit and watch
Darkness driving
light from earth.
We prayed that night:
Father, SOn, Holy Ghost and I.
They prayed for Incomprehensible Unity
but not for I-
Pride let himself in
as I fought
Death’s Trembling Touch.
There, in the dead forest,
I lay freezing.
I cried into the blackness,
“Do not leave my side!”
I crawled into the dark
and found
the forest’s only Life.
I cried at the feet
of a lonely
snow dressed pine.
It’s needles stung-
I knew
I lived.
Still They prayed that night.
I listened
until i Joined-
Our Father
who art in Heaven
Hallowed be Thy Name
Thy Kingdom come
Thy Will Be Done
on earth as it is in Heaven….
Following the Word
first earth passed
Second Space came.
“Father?” I asked
“I Am” answered.
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Beer_and_Poetry reviewed Version 4 -
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I think this is a very interesting piece. It kind of attacks the synapse and gets your brain kicking in. It is always excellent when anything can do that. I like the struggle it showed both physically and spiritually. I am assuming the narrator wasn’t quite sure of god at first but then kind of gave in. I enjoyed the basic structure. Made it very easy to concentrate on the topic at hand.
As are most pieces involving religion this poem will be able to be the topic of many debates. That is the true value of any write….at least to me. I haven’t read the two inspirations for this piece but after reading this I am tempted to hunt them down and read them. I think that is an ultimate honor for inspirational pieces.
I couldn’t find anymore grammatical errors other than the one you stated in the notes. I being Christian really enjoyed this piece for the reasons stated above…mainly the struggle it shows. I think it shows the basic question when someone is on seeing their own demise. Is there someone out there?
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HipStar reviewed Version 4 -
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wow! i absolutely loved that!
i love how you went into the Lord’s Prayer.
I could actually feel the desperation in your words.
djini35 reviewed Version 4 -
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Great imagery and i the journey towards death’s door. To me it speaks of having hope when all around things fail and being able to pray and have confidence in that prayer.
summers_ann reviewed Version 4 -
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i liked the ending. and your idea of praying together with god is a good one. keep writing!
BamaBelle reviewed Version 4 -
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Profound, in it’s meaning of life, death and the spirit.
imranda reviewed Version 4 -
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Your imagery is fantastic! The pictures that it brings to mind are very vivid and telling. You’ve “shown” more than “told,” here, something that’s really necessary with poetry. I’m curious about your inspirations for this piece – I haven’t read the works you cited, so I guess I’m just looking for a quick summary. Anyway, I really like this piece – especially the last line. :)
Best wishes.
Ps – there are a few grammatical issues, but since it’s a poem, they’re not that big of a deal. A few changes, though, may help your rythym. Try reading this out loud for a better feel of how you want it to sound.
rsman26 reviewed Version 4 -
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This was an interesting piece, the imagry was of particular interest, overall I enjoyed it, it was an experience and so if that is what poetry is supposed to be then it was a job well done.
stum reviewed Version 4 -
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Meaning is profound, therefore it is a shame it is in free verse. Though it’s fine, if it were a bit more structured it would contribute better to the overall impression, especially if you want it published. Word choices are good – they get the meaning across.
RoadHousePress reviewed Version 4 -
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Complex poem. Not sure what “second space came” is all about? Theme of the poem sounds like the dark night of the soul. Interesting piece.
Deadsage reviewed Version 4 -
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Beautiful as ever, professional as it should be.
Some of the capitalization/punctuation seems off.
The words are very poetic and thought provoking.
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