glad you enjoyed it. the “2.50 in my back pocket” was just in reference to the insane amount i spend at the bar and how baffled i always am when i realize just how much i spent. you’re right, though. should’ve said something like, “2.50, having came with 50” or something like that. thanks for the review.
Flash Fiction / After Hours at "The Skull"
The place is dirty, dark and sometimes forgotten among the lists’ of bar-hoppers in town. The smoke lingers over top of the bar in spite of Ohio’s recently enacted smoking laws. A small crowd is huddled around the inconveniently placed pool table in the back-left of the bar, near the stage where the band is set up. To my left, thin, stringy gray-haired 60’s refugees with ripped jeans and dirty plaid shirts are shooting shit in the booths with their special ladies. I can hear their retro lingo from across the bar. Brings a smile to my face. To my right, there’s a biker couple getting rowdy and belligerent. They’re reaching a domestic disturbance level, but almost everyone here is, anyway…so no one is thrown out. Now, it’s quarter to two and I’ve been going strong since since the bbq ribs at 6:30. It is then that I drunkenly realize that I only got $2.50 in my wallet. No one wants the haphazard blues rock band to announce their closing number, but the drunk chicks up front are just begging for an after-party. By now, the applause is always ecstatic and you can hear “YOU FUCKIN’ ROCK”’s even if the same person hated ‘em earlier. The winner is sitting next to me and I am literally feeling her tonight. With confidence, she accentuates her everything with a knowing nonchalance. She’s blessed with straight mid-length black hair, piercing green eyes, a quick laugh, and the flirtatious “eye.” I know she’s feeling my heat and can see it in her eyes. I can also feel it in her left hand as she’s working her way down my torso. I’m having too much fun but I tell her if she can wait fifteen ‘til they start flipping stools, I’ll be giving her a personal encore. She gives me a squeeze, playfully bites my ear, and heads for the ladies’ room. Fifteen minutes means the close to a perfect saturday night. At the door, the rest of my party is shouting at me to hit the road. She gets back, I pocket my change and think that is that. Problem is, it is FAR from that. I’m about halfway to the door when there is an explosion of rage to my left. I throw the winner out of the way, but get knocked to the wall by two mean-looking motherfuckers fighting to the death. Last thing I remember is one ducking down, and a stool to my face—right to my smiling skull.
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the_venus_in_isis reviewed Version 1 -
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‘since since’
‘mid-length’ where? Her back? Her neck? Her chin? Make sure to specify.
I would put this under nonfiction or blog if it actually happened. There are grammatical errors, but I think they add a touch of authenticity because it reads the way it would be spoken.
This was fun to read. It was easy to imagine a narrator detailing this night. You construct the murky bar scene well. ’smoke lingers’ ‘60’s refugees’ Great description, btw. The ‘winner’ interaction is realistic. ’the laugh’ ‘flirtatious ‘eye’’ And the sudden brawl is delightfully unexpected, throwing a wrench in the works that the smiling skull didn’t quite expect. Overall, I really enjoyed this. Good work.
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DCAllen reviewed Version 1 -
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You capture the feeling of the bar. Good.
There are a few typos here. You have the word since doubled. I’m not sure why lists has an apostrophe in the first line. Saturday should be capitalized.
AstroBoyJ7 reviewed Version 1 -
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The scary part is that I have WORKED at bars like this over the years. I definitely know the clientelle you are referring to and have even had to throw my share of them out. Relating to this story was easy for me but you should divide the story into paragraphs, this would make for a more streamlined and easier read. You should also end the story with the final end of the night, not with a cliffhanger because the story feels unfinished otherwise. Nice start!
Piva reviewed Version 1 -
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Details and descriptions were great, but this isn’t really what I’d class as a ‘story’ in itself. Flash fiction, like normal short stories, need debut, middle and an ending. To me, this read more as the beginning of something that should be longer. At the end I wanted to know more about the fight, stuff like why and what for?
On general I didn’t spot any errors, but I suggest using barbecue and not bbq.
hesir reviewed Version 1 -
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I know this place… or at least I’ve spent a lot of years drinking in similar bars in the UK… You nailed the feel and the atmosphere for me (though the smoking laws over here are turning them into a dying breed in the UK too), something a lot of writers (even published ones) cannot seem to do.
I love the fact you decided there was no need to describe the band, as I (the reader) should know/guess/have seen first hand what they look like etc.
I felt very much like the person you were recounting the story to, rather than someone who needed every detail because they drink elsewhere.
The language switches about a bit, not a real problem but the feel of lines like:
“With confidence, she accentuates her everything with a knowing nonchalance. She’s blessed with straight mid-length black hair, piercing green eyes, a quick laugh, and the flirtatious “eye.”
There is an almost poetical lyricism in the lines there, like an intro speech from Tom Waits over a lazy piano, or something from a Bukowski poem… I like it. You should maybe go through some of the more pedestrian lines and loosen them up a bit.
Oh and I guess if you are going to use digits in there “6:30.”, ”$2.50” etc then use them consistently… I noticed you started out with a “Now, it’s quarter to two”... try for one or the other, either is fine in my opinion… but with both it jumps out that you haven’t thought about the style.
My only other suggestion would be to perhaps replace the word “place” in the first line with the name of the bar, Smiling Skull… That way without even seeing the title, the resonance you are going for at the end.
Overall its great, liked it.
Look forward to reading more.
h.
Pavel reviewed Version 1 -
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Ah yes, drunk at closing time, when the girls all get prettier and the boys all get more handsome. I think it’s a fine piece; I enjoyed reading it. It’s not clear what the deal is with the $2.50 in change; it’s kind of left dangling there. You worked in the smiling skull detail well. There are a few spelling and punctuation issues, but nothing an edit won’t quickly fix.
Bronwyn reviewed Version 1 -
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This is pretty good. Your descriptions are vivid.
It started a bit slow for flash fiction, however, i.e., 500 words or less. I think you could snap it up a little; the voice is rather passive in the beginning sentence; I didn’t become engaged until the fourth line or so.
For example, I don’t think you need “sometimes forgotten among the list of barhopper’s in town” or ”Ohio’s recently enacted smoking laws.” Something like “Among bar-hoppers, the place is known as a dark, dirty relic. The ceiling is tarry-brown from smoke . . . “
Keep writing and good luck.
squarehopper reviewed Version 1 -
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This is mostly done by telling us facts as they occur. You don’t want to do only this. A mixture of showing combined with telling is much better. With showing us things, you make the reader feel as they are taking part of the action. Instead, with only telling, we are made to feel like peeping toms – outsiders that really don’t belong.
I like the story. But the technique needs to be worked upon.
This is also told using “to be” verbs excessively. Try to find verbs that are more exciting and engaging. Try to eliminate passive sentences as much as possible as well.
All three of these issues makes this piece, quite frankly, seem very boring and uninteresting. And it shouldn’t be.
Just make your sentences and verbs more active, show more and less telling and this piece has great potential.
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