I like your comments, but I have to say that I like the mixing of tenses in this poem. It is supposed to do that, prefaced by the first two lines, and supposed to apply o no tenable point in time. It’s timeless? Maybe. Fatal grammar error sounded so serious, I had to retaliate. But thanks for your review.
Poetry / -
hear me now
and listen to me later
i was begun a dewdrop
and i will end a cloud of dust
wishing that my flesh was mutable
but what must
must
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jaugne reviewed Version 1 -
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Interesting, but it feels like a fragment of something much larger.
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Spiritfire reviewed Version 1 -
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Nice poem,
the line “i was begun a dewdrop” sounds a little strange to me
but after reading it a few times it works, but still a bit awkward.
And I can’t how a dewdrop becomes a “Ccloud of dust”
But otherwise I like how it flows.
analog_kid reviewed Version 1 -
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cool conceptual poem; however it’s a bit too abstract for my taste. I like your wordplay a whole and the overall use of language is clever.
this is line is especially confusing:
“i was begun a dewdrop”—check your tenses on this one. it’s both present and past tense and that’s a fatal grammar error.
this is the strongest and most interesting line in this poem:
“wishing that my flesh was mutable”—this is a great juxtaposition, jamming two opposite sides against each other…everyone knows that our skin and flesh make a sound, moan and isn’t silent. so, making reference to have a body of complete silence is cool. great line.
cool poem overall!
jane_says reviewed Version 1 -
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Does this poem have a title? I think it would be nice to give this poem some kind of introduction, although, it’s a fine read by itself…I’d have to say I enjoyed the imagery the most. I’m not quite convinced with some of your word structure. In lines 3 & 5, ”I was begun” and “that” are disruptive, at least to me they are. Line 3 just has an awkward tone and I think you can omit “that” for better flow. Just a suggestion though.
Overall, this is a very likeable poem. Good job.
jweeble reviewed Version 1 -
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I really liked this – the first two lines in particular are brilliant. I would like to see punctuation. Other than that – super!
BSRiter reviewed Version 1 -
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if you go from a dewdrop to dust, are not then mutable?
poopeepah reviewed Version 1 -
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you take a pretty common theme (the circle of life) and write about it an a unique way. my problems with the poem are as follows:
- the first two verses do not flow very well into the last four. i think with the opening lines you’re trying to depict a life that is fleeting so quickly that one must act now, think later. it doesn’t really fit in with the whimsical other verses that seem to be driven by their nature imagery
- i have a problem with “and i will end a cloud of dust.” that phrase just sounds a little too drawn out compares to the simplicity of the other lines.
other than that, good work!
Ace reviewed Version 1 -
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Very quick but cool poem. I think you did a good job here and if you do decide to make this into a three part poem then i wish you all the best. keep it up.
Ace
mash reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the absense of punctuation and the abundance of emotion. First two lines are phenonminal!
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