Poetry / oh, beginnings

No buts about it you belong in the spoken tradition. I noticed that the spacing was literally perfect the second time I looked over it. Monkey toes is brilliant. You jump from the ultra poetic into monkey toes. That has to be one of the best emotional modulations in verse I have ever read. Thank you.

I am not sure if you really wrote this on a whim before your morning coffee, but if you did, then kudos, this is pretty damn good for simply cranking it out.

I like how your lines flow into each other, break off at unexpected points to really make the reader follow your thoughts. It creates a sort of suspense and a great atmosphere.

I loved the specification of “cadette blue”. Very unusual and therefore needed.

As for the sentiment you describe, I think I can relate, although ultimately what you wrote and what I read will always be two different things. That’s the beauty of poetry.

Thank you so much for sharing! This is among the better poetry I have read on here. Can’t wait to see what you can do when you actually edit. (;

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December 21, 2007

by hypocrasis

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
52	60.0% (5 votes)	15.1%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
27	F	Boone, NC	January 17

Yeah I should change that note to reviewers. It was originally written on the fly, but it has been edited once now. Thank you for your comments, though. People seem to like this one. That feels good.

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Nice and dark… Loved a lot of your imagery.

“the dresser
    an old sweater”
“into my monkey toes”
“from these kaleidoscope eyes”

I liked how you began the poem with a series of objects you saw, kjinda like a  short still life of your surroundings. I think the poem lost a little strength when it strayed out of the literal and into the figurative. I would think about using it more sparingly and staying with the sights around you that inspire these thoughts of pain and of the end.

As far as a I judge poetry on a more subjective, emotional level than other literature, this piece ended on a high (low) note and succeeded in puting a certain feeling, an elegant, indescriable particle of dread in my heart. Cool.

Especially liked the line:

   “bite my lip
    and bite my tongue
  because i can’t change it
the shape of this skyline”

It brings the source of the pain away from an intimate personal one, into encompassing the entire city, all of us. At least, that’s how I took it, I could be wrong.

Hopes this helps.

i love the flow of the poem; from a relatively domestic opening that spirals into this intense rhythmic expression of emotion. the chant like rhythm injects this heaviness that has undercurrents of dread and intensity. i didn’t neccesarily engage with what you were trying to subjectively communicate, but i did comprehend this overall ‘aura’ that provoked my own personal internal response.
  this succesfully plays with the fragmentary ‘one-liners’ e.g. “it’s a broken promise
  every day” without deteriorating into a melodramatic cliche.
i love the imagery, it’s so clipped and acute “like i could sieve and pick apart
the memories of your younger days”
   i won’t say the form or style is neccesarily ‘pioneering’, but it does grasp at an ultimate harmony and ‘x-factor’ that constitutes a good poem and forbades well for your ability as a poet. i also think you would be a really good story-teller…

Overall I can’t give this a good mark
because after re-reading, it still leaves me
with a vague sense of nothing.
I didn’t understand what you wrote.
I don’t know if you mean to leave me
feeling this vague uneasiness,
or if you wanted me to be a part of what
you were seeing, feeling and experiencing.
You have MANY MANY really good and original lines,
but I couldn’t connect them to anything.
I would point out the lines that, in my opinion,
worked or didn’t, but have had my wrist slapped
due to “over quoting,” which I feel I only do as necessary,
so I’ve given up quoting at all.
I figure, from the title, that something has begun,
but I can’t figure out exactly what has begun (it feels more,
from the tone, that something has ended…)
What has begun?
the day? the end? a love relationship? a new life?
Could you please tell me what this poem was about?
I hope you find my criticism honest and helpful.
We could talk about it more in follow-up comments
if you’d like.
Best
E~

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December 21, 2007

by hypocrasis

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
52	60.0% (5 votes)	15.1%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
27	F	Boone, NC	January 17

I have to point out, that uneasiness is certaintly something. So the poem didn’t leave you feeling nothing. And my intenion is to make you feel uneasy. To answer your question, what has begun, is the end. It’s aboua a loved one, or actually this could apply to a couple of my loved ones, who have given up trying to fught the things about themselves that bring them down. In a nutshell. But thanks for your honest comments!

December 21, 2007

by evath

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
322	85.9% (71 votes)	67.5%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
50	F	Miami, FL	November 29

Thanks for writing back so quickly.
The uneasiness I was talking about was generated
by my own thought that maybe I was missing something
more than from anything you said ;-)
I do like many of your lines which sound original
and fresh.
And my thought that maybe the beginning was
“the beginning of the end”
didn’t leave me that far off the mark.
It is only that I had to struggle to these
conclusions, rather than being led there
by the poem.
I’d say keep working on this, it has much
potential.
Best
E~

December 21, 2007

by evath

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
322	85.9% (71 votes)	67.5%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
50	F	Miami, FL	November 29

I just happened to notice where you are. My sister, brother and nephew live in boone and I’ve visited there many times.
In fact, I have a poem up in the queue now for consideration that I entitled Boone, even though the original working title was “The South”
just thought maybe you’d like to go read something of mine.
I was thinking that maybe you know my nephew, he is about your age.
Best
E~

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oh, you did paint a picture or at least showed a photo…beautiful black and white art..and conveyed a feeling that I could relate to in my single days…those after the fireworks days when a relation either has to become …more…or dissolve…oh,yeahhh..its a crunch on the psyc eeee.
“pain in your hand and monkey toes” good descpt  and most of the time its true, we can’t change the shape of the skyline..we just learn to accept lifes vissitudes.like your work

This poem is amazing.  It was simple and elegant at the same time.  I wasn’t sure exactly what you were talking about, though the skyline reference leads me to think you were talking about the sunrise, the new day.  But I’m very likely way off.  Even though I didn’t completely understand the theme, the message and language was great.   Your use of imagery and words is really unique – “monkey toes, “kaleidescope eyes” – if this is the way you see your body, I wonder how the rest of us do?  I have to sat that my favorite part was
“like i could sieve and pick apart
the memories of your younger days
   and de-stem your kindest intentions ” – it just flows and speaks to me – makes me think of youth and pain and their interconnectedness.  
My only advice is not really advice, but to say that there were points that really made me go “wha-” – the references to pain, I can feel your pain in my hands, heart – these didn’t make sense to me, but perhaps thats a personal reference and meaning.  Making things a bit clearer, without losing the language, I guess.  Very good, though!

I’m not entirely certain what this is about. It seems like it’s thoughts you are having about your relationship before you go to sit down for breakfast. I am curious about what your monkey toes mean. I guess the poem seems fragmented, if that was the intention well done, otherwise it needs more flow.

It was a good peom!
I just didn’t understand it that well. I think in the beggining it was clear where you were going and then you drifted of into talking about other things.