Poetry / I Crossed Her Arms, and Closed Her Eyes

God bless your Gothic, bleeding heart!  

You have a good sense of continuity and a pleasant style of prose, which is slightly reminiscent of Poe and Mary Shelley in its’ imagery and morbid, fatalistic romanticism.  

The theme is worn and beaten from over exposure. Your talent is rough, wanting focused design.

Your gift is your rhythm that is free from rhyme.  

An approach to less explored thematic terrain would provide a worthy challenge for your poetic potential.

How sad!  Your words represent a scene that is too often repeated on the streets of most large cities.  Gang wars, drive-by shootings, innocent bystanders.  Perhaps they were out for a walk on a balmy night, unaware of what the future held, that they were unknowing targets for someone’s rage.
You put a lot of feeling and emotion into this piece, which I felt as I read it.  I actually had tears in my eyes.

• add/view comments (1)

April 17, 2008

by Brian

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
321	84.6% (78 votes)	28.9%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
23	M	Germantown, WI	December 02

That may be the greatest compliment I have ever recieved. Thank you.

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.

This is a very good start. It just doesn’t seem to be “there” yet. I reall like the descriptions and the concept is well though-out. While you’re not overwhelming in your descriptions, you have a very fine talent (hazel eyes to winter-rosy cheeks). This is a diamond in the rough, and you have the obvious talents to make it shine. Some rough spots I notice when reading it arise in the flow. You have a nice flow from line to line, but the structure and the form of the piece doesn’t work in its current state. While I like experimental form, the structure here is very “all-over-the-place” and comes across as kind of sloppy. This could work with some poems, but considering your subject matter it doesn’t seem to work. Maybe strucutre the stanzas and verses and allow your lines to flow within that. I think if the form is improved the flow will come more naturally, as it really kind of seems sporadic. I also noticed a few trivial things like the first line: the use of “my lover’s… my nights” feels repetetive and forced (this could be remedied by dropping a my or replacing it with another fitting word.) Overall, this is a really good start! Just consider a few edits that could really bring this into stellar territory.

This poem brings to mind images of a hit and run or car accident.  I can clearly see the survivor holding his companion as the wounds take her life.  Beautiful imagery, the poem flows nicely and word choice is idea.  Don’t change a thing.

It’s spooky and urban, and coming from NY this is a scene quite a few people may be able to relate to.

This feels so tragic, it kind of wants to make me cry. The flow was brilliant and I guess I can say that this poem is actually quite simple. You don’t need to use descriptive adjectives that are somewhat long, you seemed to pull imagery out with simple words; which is an ability I wish I had XD.
I truly do love the way you pulled this together dear! And I hope you continue writing because I would love to read more of what you have ^^. Although to be honest, I actually think this poem would be good in a story.
It portrays a tragic story so well; so sweet and to the point. It felt like I was right there.
But like I said I believe it should go in a short story or a Novella sized story. That’s my opinion though; I’ve seen stories with poems like these as their beginning sentences and I truly adore those kinds of stories. At any rate… I like what you have and I hope you continue to write. Thank you and good luck!

• add/view comments (1)

April 03, 2008

by Brian

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
321	84.6% (78 votes)	28.9%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
23	M	Germantown, WI	December 02

Mizumi,

Thank you for your kind words. I am in the works of a couple similar stories (I suppose they are more “similar” in the concept of losing a loved one). I do not think I will be posting those on Urbis however. I am glad that this piece could emote those feelings from you.

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.

wow. thats was really good i really liked it. it is very moving!
i like the way you use the crossed arms and closed her eyes. as this is a traditional to do when someone dies. which i like.
i also like how u havnt tried to stick to a rhyme scheme on this one as i feel that woudl take away from teh pain that you are trying to get across at losing someone you have cared about.
i get the impression that this is about someone being stabbed or something like that… if this is so i love how you have made it sound so peaceful and gentle,

keep it up

From an artistic standpoint my thinking is bifurcated, sensing this poem could be condensed ever so slightly to create a greater dramatic lure even though I am drawn so powerfully to many of your heart-break phrases like the doubly revealing, “my lover’s life/ still stains…in corner” or the poignant transformation for both speaker and lover embedded in “a  simple scent-/blood, jasmine, street pavement…”  The simple and matter of fact communication of the poem’s fine details help the reader focus on the enormously global theme without distraction.  I respond well already.  However, you have such lovely lingering soft rhymes here too.  My suggestions become questions, since they really regard the beats and sounds of a feeling for you.  First, I think lines two and three are unneeded even though they contain a hundred sadnesses.  The middle of the poem tells the reader everything about the final setting.  Here, I think you might owe it to your poem to accentuate the narrative allure and soft rhymes that would occur if your first line went directly into “(and) her pale skin, turned white.”  Lastly, the final verse paragraph is perhaps best left for you only.  It adds little to the narrative arc for your readers.  In truth, almost nothing could easily follow the powerful fusion of images, feelings, and rhymes in the verse paragraph just before it.  The poetry there, which I go back to over and over, makes me cry.

• add/view comments (1)

February 20, 2008

by Brian

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
321	84.6% (78 votes)	28.9%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
23	M	Germantown, WI	December 02

Thank you for your review and attention to detail.

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.

The sadness and loneliness of it certainly struck me. The words were beautifully chosen. I liked the third verse – something about the man not washing his shirt seems very plausible. Beautiful and moving poem! Keep up the good work!

I think that you have a powerful topic making this a powerful poem. I’ve personally experience what it is that happens in this work, so I admire you courage. We only get a touch of your feelings in the third stanza because of the shirt with her blood on it in the back of your closet. It would be nice to know of what it is that you are feeling to help draw in the reader more and I know that there are powerful emotions there that are not being expressed about your lost of a loved one.

• add/view comments (1)

February 20, 2008

by Brian

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
321	84.6% (78 votes)	28.9%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
23	M	Germantown, WI	December 02

Thanks for the review. I guess I wanted the images to stand on their own. Instead of revealing to much of the personal feeling I hoped to evoke most of that from the reader. Like the shirt representing the lingering memory trying to be forgot.

Thanks for taking time to read and review!

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.