actually i was going more for coward feeling safe in his position, but maybe it just needs a little work to get that through lol. This chapter is written from the “bad guys” side, so when u read the whole book u sorta feel satisfied when the emperor dies and the spymaster turns out to be a coward. now im saying to much. :)
Novel Treatments / Death of a madman:book 3
The Death of a Madman: Book Three
Zenjir, the Emperor’s own spymaster sat on a large wooden desk, breathing heavily. Around him large stacks of parchment paper threatened to topple over from their sheer size. In the center of the desk however, under the nose of the spymaster, sat a lone piece. The spymaster glared at it, as if wishing it to burst into flame. It was written in a strange code; one the spymaster had already broken, but now he wished he hadn’t done so.
Rebels have taken Zerre.
Could not get close enough to get information from insiders.
We have found, though, their leader is a man by the name of Tacoun. Rebels hold great respect for said person.
Not many men in numbers, but wills are great. Need reinforcements.
Ironclaw
Zenjir shook his head in disbelief, and read the letter yet again. But the message was still the same…the tribes of the Eddaia Isles had risen against the Empire. There was no doubt now.
There’s going to be blood shed for this, the spymaster thought darkly as he stood up to gather his papers.
There was another problem too. The rebels had to be well organized at this point for Ironclaw not to be able to penetrate their information system. He was one of the Empire’s best spies…it would take magical communication systems to thwart him; which was grim news indeed. Zenjir shook his head again in utter horror.
Once the spymaster had his things decently organized, he rolled up the piece of parchment bearing what was sure to be his death sentence in a tight roll, then shoved it in a little leather pouch hanging from his belt. He left his dull office feeling like the unluckiest man in the world.
He would have to tell the Emperor right away, obviously, but maybe there was a slim chance he could manage to sweeten his words so that the news did not seem so utterly devastating. Otherwise, he no doubt would have a sword sticking out of his back in no time.
The spymaster walked down a deserted corridor, and then stopped at a large iron door. Two night guards swung thick pikes lazily sideways in front of the door. One of them, rather short, but definitely muscular, asked drunkenly, “Your business?
“Urgent news for the Emperor, from Spymaster and Duke of Loranah Zenjir Achtah.” The spymaster said routinely, not missing a beat. The guard who had questioned him raised an eyebrow, then nodded and the pikes were swung back.
The spymaster opened the door cautiously, nervously, hardly noticing one of the guards had started drinking rum as if it were water. He entered and closed the door behind him, his entire arm shaking uncontrollably. The Emperor was infamously known as the Hot-Tempered, and that title was given to him for a reason. The spymaster was trapped.
Small candles guttered on a huge candelabra on the ceiling; the only light in the depressing room. A few slave girls sat in corners, watching warily as the spymaster tread on the richly embroidered carpet. At the far end of the room sat an enormous bed. On the bed lay the Emperor; his bulbous body occupying the entire bed. The spymaster could see folds of fat caressing the richly decorated blanket; the sight of the yellow, fat infested skin made him recoil. Now he had some respect for the poor slave girls that were forced to bed the Emperor else their lives be ended. Personally the spymaster thought he would have rather died.
Setting aside the treacherous thoughts from his head, the spymaster cleared his throat nervously and said, “Excuse me, your highness…”
A loud snore erupted from the Emperor, then coughs. The Emperor opened his piggy little eyes, looking around the room suspiciously once the coughing fit had stopped. At last they fell on Zenjir. For a moment they seemed bewildered, then annoyed.
When the emperor spoke, it seemed his voice was just as bulbous as his fat body.
“And what, my dear fool, would cause you to wake me in the middle of the night?” he asked.
“Well…well, um…” the spymaster stuttered, his voice, it seemed, was trapped in his throat.
The Emperor’s eyes narrowed to almost specks.
“I have just received a letter from one of our spies who was stationed in Zerre…”The spymaster managed to say, slightly unsteadily.
“And…?”
“Well, it seems from his information…that the rebels have taken control of Zerre…”
The Spymaster closed his eyes expectantly, waiting for some sort of object being thrown in his direction, or even some sort of horrible, bulbous scream of anger.
But it never came.
The spymaster opened his eyes warily, curious to see why the Emperor had not attempted to murder him, and what he saw shot horror through every nerve in his body.
The Emperor was clutching his heart, his hand amidst many folds of fat. Foam was spilling out of his mouth, and his eyes had rolled into the back of his head. Shocked, the spymaster could only watch as a tiny squeak of anguish escaped the Emperor’s lips, and then like a cascading waterfall he went limp; the entire room shook, expressing the profound panic that was running through the spymaster’s insides.
Then there was silence.
The Spymaster was the first to spring into action. He yanked the door open, and ran, the guards shouting behind him. The spymaster called over his shoulder, adrenaline pumping through his veins, “If you know what’s good for you, run!”
Behind him he heard a clang as the guards dropped their pikes and fled.
The next morning a maid trotted to the iron door to find that there were no guards. Noting to report them, she entered the room and found nothing and nobody but the dead Emperor. There was no blanket, no carpet, and the candelabra had been shattered. She screamed just as the alarm bells began ringing.
The winds of change were blowing swiftly.
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BrianA reviewed Version 1 -
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This was an entertaining read. You have a good narrative voice, but I wonder if you couldn’t step back a bit more from the characters i.e. take up character’s pov. Adverbs e.g. `eyes expectantly’ `cautiously, nervously,’,`eyes warily’ – convey narrator’s presence (and I’ve been told best kept to a minimum). Characters prior and subsequent actions betray state of mind. Don’t underestimate the power of a reader’s imagination to fill in the blanks – give it a bit more room to grow.
Earlier on – couple of places thought a tad over-written `...over (from their sheer size).’ & `but now he wished he hadn’t (done so). – just my opinion.
`...fit (had) stopped.’ – There is a considerable amount of passive voice/past tense (some necessary) in the piece – do search for `had’ sometimes not needed or can be relaced by active verb. Another example with `that’ – `...panic (that was) running…’
I liked this piece with it’s ancient mystical world feel and the pragmatic, though dutiful Spymaster was well drawn. There was also a hint of the comic which was refreshing. Good luck with this.
hardly noticing
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ldeniseb reviewed Version 1 -
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Once the spymaster had his things decently organized, he rolled up the piece of parchment bearing what was sure to be his death sentence in a tight roll, then shoved it in a little leather pouch hanging from his belt.--- Run on sentence example you have several of these through out.
I will say this I wish I had your talent at that age. You do well with it over all. Some of the formatting issues made it difficult to read in places, that’s a urbis thing thow…
There are some missing quotes, periods, etc. I’m not sure if it happened when you pasted it or if it is an issue. You’ve done well keep writing and from the information at the top it sounds like you are definately taking everything you learn and working at becoming better. I’ll plan on reading your books one day. The imagination and the way you’ve presented this leaves me little doubt that with more knowledge you will be published.
Great job.
carolinahermit reviewed Version 1 -
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I would have went with tall/towering stacks instead of large-helps paint a better picture
I do like the image of a man focused on a single sheet of paper while surrounded by mountains of the same
Blood shed/spilled over this-I think works a tad better
Ironclaw keeps making me think of native Americans-just a personal flaw-actually I read this more as a medieval piece
I would have him consider, just for a second, burning that death sentence of his
A sample or two of the Emperor’s infamous Hot-Temper would surely make the piece more colorful or bloody
Making the emperor obese is a cool way of reflecting his gluttony for luxury
Nice plot twist with heart attack replacing expected verbal assault and possible casting in chains-interesting idea in having the guards abandon their posts as well
A short piece with a surprising amount of well depicted action contained within
Being a whale myself I generally don’t like fat-bashing, but this is an exception
greg1977 reviewed Version 1 -
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Taken out of context, I have trouble following this as far as plot is concerned. Who is Zenjir? What are the Eddala Isles? Why is the Emperor’s sudden death so significant? That said, there are some good bits here. “The Emperor opened his piggy little eyes” is quite good.
NickEshae reviewed Version 1 -
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This is amazing for a 14 year old, I hope that one day I will see your name on a novel I purchase. Great work. I was wondering if you intended on the spymaster to seem somewhat of a coward? He sounds like a strong and brave character in the beginning, but then when he meets the emperor he cannot say a sentence without stammering. I understand the fear, but brave men can still hold themselves with dignity when facing a fear.
Your amazing!
N
Tddizz reviewed Version 1 -
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I didn’t really care for the plot so far.
I did wait to see if they were going to kill the messenger.
Good job on bringing the character out into the open.
The heart attack made me wonder if he was poisoned or he was jusyt having a heart attack.
Both would push the story forward
Rylan reviewed Version 1 -
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this piece of the novel was interesting and I can tell you invested time in creating the storyline. well written, and you ended it well, making the reader want to go on. thanks for posting and keep it up!
-Rylan
Jason_Foreman reviewed Version 1 -
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I like how you intorduce this peice, you put Zenjir in his office and set the scene as him being a busy man, (With some great analogies I might say) and also as a man with his own characteristics and personality. And the dead king coming at a time when the rebels have made his empire vulnerable leaves us with an exciting clifhanger that I wish to see the conclusion to. I feel that this is a very good peace and that you should really consider developing it and adding on to the story. I can only imagine what a complex cast would do with the plot I have seen so far. From the rankings I see that you too wish to be published, with a little work on the formality of your writing I can see you being published very very soon. Good luck, and please keep me updated on the next chapters
hypatia reviewed Version 1 -
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This is really good. I got a deep sense of the emotions of your characters, you create a good mix of thought, speech and descriptive content; a good balance to gain reader interest which is difficult to achieve. You start with the problems of the spymaster a good lure and well written to gain our empathy. The death of the Emperor was unexpected a good twist. Would like to read more.
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