Poetry / The Mountain (stress)

Your purple majesty rose from the foamy waters of the sea
Your hard rocky face stood out against the clear blue skies
Reminding me of where it was I wanted to be
Reminding me of what it was I had left behind

Your purple majesty stood watch over my small town
Innocence existed because the people were protected
The world had not yet corrupted this town that I found
A quiet village where justice prevailed and love existed

The four winds blasted against your mountainous bends
After each direction of wind had tried in their futile storm
They gathered and discussed what next they possibly send
Yet the mighty tornado did not budge your powerful form

The ocean watched and next tried to crumble your foundation
From under the sea the currents swept and waves crashed asunder
Trying desperately to wash away the base of your creation
But even in the midst of the heaviest seas, you were not plundered

You stood quietly and strong against all of the world’s sins.
You never faltered. You never fell. You never once ran away.
How could there be a force stronger than the mighty mountains.
Yet your high cliffs foresaw the undeniable dark coming day.

The wind and water cried to the devil that lived down below.
He laughed at them and said, “The little things are what destroy.”
Studying the mountain, the crashing waters, and the winds that blow,
To destroy such a mountain, three mighty forces he would employ.

The devil heated the oceans and rain clouds formed into a cell.
The winds were directed to blow over the land in a light cool breeze
Once positioned over the mountain, from the clouds a light rain fell
With a strong nor’easter, the winds caused an icy cold chilling freeze.

All went silent with a white blanket of snow, such beauty and peace.
Then the silence was broken by a crack that came from the face.
With a rumble and falling of crushing debris, the village life ceased.
The frozen raindrop broke your stone heart from an internal space

I looked upon the devastation caused by the grand majesty’s fall.
In anger and pain I saw that I had been robbed of my beautiful home.
The rubble reminded me of the love and peace that I lost in it all.
Reminding me of what the little things do, even to your mighty stone.

© 2006  WhiteRabbit

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Reviews

January 11, 2008

robertryburn

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
190	52.2% (46 votes)	13.3%

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Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
59	M	San Benito, TX	February 28

robertryburn reviewed Version 2 - Read 100% of the Item

Your words were very descriptive and since I am normally ignorant when reading poetry I thought your words made sense.

Your use of words kept my interest and when you can keep a reader’s interest longer than 100 words you have a good way with words.

When you are ready to publish let me know as I am publishing a book myself and can give you some tips about publsihing for yourself.

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
68	100.0% (6 votes)	37.2%

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39	M	Bahrain	March 17

December 21, 2007

Brynn

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
102	93.5% (77 votes)	45.2%

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Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
24	F	Canada	March 11

Brynn reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

I really loved the overall idea of this poem, the last line tied everything together so well and really made me think. You paint a firly good picture I can ‘see’ the elements beating on your mountain, very good allusion.
Some suggestions: At least in MY opinion and I know I would have people smack me for this, when you write a poem you have the liberty to frame the sentences as you wish. In other words, it doesnt always have to be PERFECTLY grammatically correct, for the sake of rhythm. I know when I write poems I like to omit words like ‘the’ or ‘it’ as they take up a ryhthm space that is usually a given anyways. So in your first stanza 3rd line you wrote “Reminding me of where it was that I wanted to be” then fourth line “Reminding me of what is was that I had left behind.” Together with the first 2 these are too long in beats. Try omitting ‘that’ So you get: Reminding me of where it was I wanted to be;Reminding me of what it was I left behind. Flows better. Also a few spelling mistakes (Reminding me of what IS was I left behind?) It?
But anyways, I did really like the piece overall, and hope to read more of your work. Keep it up!

Eve