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Journalism / Hell Is Other People (Pt 2)
There is nothing more intolerable for someone who actively seeks solitude to be thrown head-first and unequipped into the dreaded group conversation.
What transpires in these groups is really of little consequence to most mere mortals but to me the stakes are much higher. For triumph within the land of chatter has always been something to which I aspire greatly. I have been cursed with a rather powerful type of conversational block that clamps my tonsils whenever words need to escape. This I mentioned in the previous part, but this I did not expand upon. So I will now expand (upon this) and shed some light onto my great difficulty lest it need more shedding. The problem is caused in part through the miniscule proliferation of information over the space of several hours and the indifference I have developed towards general chit-chat. What is the weather like where you are? You see… I am bored already.
2. Endless Blatherings
To illustrate the dilemma, an example might be an advantageous proposition for us as opposed to all of this deviatory mushkins. In the previous instalment, I mentioned those rude souls who make it harder to tolerate one’s fellow man. But what I did not dwell upon was the ease with which I can handle them. Instead of paying them any mind, I simply brush them aside with the retort: “Excuse me, sir… I pray thee excuse me. I shall have no part in your circus of rudeness this morn.” The problem is greater when I am surrounded by pleasant folks who expect words to come from my throat at various times in response to their amiable provocations, and I shall cover these situations in the following alphabetical divisions.
a. Blatherings of the Young
Most folks would assume that someone of my miniscule years would have little problem in conversing with others of my age group. To which I reply: “No, this is not the case. Perhaps you should revise your opinion in case it merits you further scorn in public.” The dilemma I face here is that of disillusionment with their culture; a subject I covered in the previous section as well (it was a rather thorough section, this much is true). My problem can be highlighted in the following hypothetical conversation with some runts of my age group:
Runt #1: “Say, did anyone see that new teenage drama last night aimed at our age group that most people of our age throughout the land have been talking about for weeks on end?”
Runt #2: “Yes, we all watched it. What a jolly magnificent treat it turned out to be. All of those young people in various states of undress having short, tempestuous relationships in sunny foreign climes while sponging off rich parents. Most satisfying.”
Runt #1: “Say, Harold_P, sometime writer on Urbis and confused failure of a human being – did you watch that drama of which we all partook in so heartily and enjoyed so fervently?”
Harold_P: “No… this was avoided by me. See, my interests lie in areas that exclude me often from this kind of social advantage and banish me from a whole dimension of chit-chat that I might otherwise wish to indulge in.”
Runt #1: “Right. Well that being the case, let us now discuss this drama at length and exclude Harold from this discussion so that he gets the message that we do not wish to confab unless he plays by our rules.”
Or something to that effect. The point is that this ineptitude at the small talk pushes me further away from the human race at times, and leaves me to wonder if the world could actually exist without small talk at large to propel all manner of unnecessary pleasantries. They manage without them in the animal kingdom quite well, so why not institute an easier scheme of conversational modus operandi that is more advantageous for both the human mind and the conversationally challenged such as myself?
b. Blatherings of the Less Young
Here is how it works. Instead of the various different types of banal chat we have to make on a daily basis, we replace this with a series of simple acronyms, not unlike the method of teenage conversation that operates with an elaborate system of growls and grunts. I propose the following to help gloss over all the tedious stuff that often blots out half-decent human interaction:
i. Q: Did you have a good night’s sleep?
Acronym: DYS?
ii. Q: How was your day?
Acronym: HYD?
iii. Q: How are you this morning?
Acronym: HAU?
It is a method of communication more in line with apes, but I believe it will eradicate the ensuing problem of the person who cannot stop themselves from talking filling the space with hot air, or indeed those who find themselves irritated by the process of chat they are unable to cease. Instead of the nightmare faced when attempting to answer these people or feeling somehow inadequate with your KTS, it will just help facilitate the problem of this day-to-day ritual so it does not end up too much of a wrench. The influence of others can often be a nuisance when one tries to evade reality. In my case, if it were not for the presence of others then it is unlikely I would begin the day at all; instead I would find myself a comfortable bunker in which to hide and then live there for a few years, being passed down foodstuffs and reading material from the pleasant street people above.
The second difficulty that needs to be addressed (and how) is that of communion with the older person. There are so many barriers to face before this is allowed to take place with pleasant consequences. To begin with, there are the many years of existence that have taken place for the individual and I am conscious of coming up against that experience and perhaps appearing as far too foolish in the presence of this sagacious and erudite individual. Take, for example, the run-ins with academics that have occurred over the last three years of existence. Despite the discouraging opinions voiced about academics on this site, which were given just for comic value and do represent the genuine reverence and awe I have for the fine people, sometimes the breadth of their abilities have left me tongue-tied.
One academic who shall remain unnamed, Dr. Susanne Trill (whoops) began this reticence for dialogue with those older and wiser than I. She also began my brief foray into the records of The Birthday Party and Lydia Lunch, which is almost an offence in itself. But the horror was having to make course-based conversation with her. Urgh. I can recall the tooth-pulling episodes with some clarity. “What have you been doing on the course this week?” she would ask, thumbing through my sub-par grades and labelling me the average grunt I so clearly was. “Um… a little bit of Louis Stevenson and we have James Joyce coming up. Hah!” I replied. What transpired in my mind at that moment was some attempt to seem as erudite and well-versed in literature as all of the other students. Notice how I dropped the “Robert” from the name of the author and faked the laugh after mentioning James Joyce, as though somehow dismissing his entire legacy in two disrespectful sniggers.
The world of conversation with others is the greatest minefield a person can walk into.
c. The Landmines of Discourse
The world of chat is a place where faux pas can come from nowhere and leap out at the person wheedling the words from deep within. It is a place where the slightest accidental utterance can lead to absolute destruction and self-annihilation of the individual. For myself, it has in the past led to some moments of extreme error caused through some extreme foot-in-mouth disease. Take leave of these categories for further demonstration of the difficulties involved.
i. Aunties & Assorted Relatives
Aunties are disembodied members of one’s immediate family and the levels of closeness varies from family to family. In my case, the role of the auntie is to offer pithy snippets of insight into real life, and likewise my role in conversation is to share the essence of my existence in a swift, concise dialogue. This approach can make the chat the often satisfying but harder since honesty must be practiced from the off. They have your own blood in them so can sniff through all your lies. I can remember once shuffling into the sitting room on my 16th birthday and smirking in fear as my auntie remarked with a tinge of dread in her voice: “It’s all downhill from here.” As a rule, auntie conversations are about your job, various holidays or activities recently participated in or general blah-blah about current affairs. They also enjoy hearing about personal troubles in order to offer their sympathies and make general “aah” sounds. Be sure to avoid political matters, any information on personal friendships or relationships and on no circumstances mention literature, music or cinema (they have no opinion they wish to share with you on these subjects).
ii. Strangers on Transport
It is rare that discussion with strangers on transport actually happens, but should it occur then the laws of general, nondescript chatter should apply to these conversations. If you find that you share something in common with the individual, then make this subject your general HQ. Whenever spells of silence re-appear, then head back to base and regroup. It is inevitable that the person shall discuss their family which is also a safe area to participate in, although there is the prospect something unpleasant lurks in their life that might make the journey a difficult one (especially on a plane). However, family chat is still safe since the person will have opened themselves up to you, which should make their company easier for you to feel comfortable in. Chat should be relegated exclusively to music, cinema and literature and do not begin to talk about grown-up stuff such the property market since the person might have a very vocal opinion. Also, avoid politics in case the person begins to blather at length. It is all right to feign ignorance on certain subjects to avoid inviting dialogue.
iii. Partners of Siblings
Some might argue that there should be little problem in making dialogue with your sister’s husband or brother’s wife. But there is. There is an immediate wall of hostility generated through the fact that this person has essentially “staked their claim” on who was once your little sister or older brother. Like with many members of family, true feelings and thoughts need to be suppressed for the sake of harmony and decorum. Likewise is true with these people who should be talked to in a similar manner to aunties or assorted fleeting relatives. Bad things passed through the family grapevine in their or your past should be ignored, as should personal problems in your own or their past. These all encourage awkward silences and a lack of fertility in the conversation. Keep the chat on adult-based matters such as current affairs, politics, the property market and so on to keep the personal stuff to a minimum. Try to avoid discussing the sister or brother to whom this person is now linked. No memories from your past, for example, since they will feel excluded from this period of their sibling’s past. Not always, of course, but it is not worth taking this risk.
iv. Teachers, Bosses or Superiors
The method of chat in this instance all depends on the person’s motives with the individual. This is the age of networking whereby all those blessed with logorrhoea can gain corporate advantage through befriending those in higher positions. It is a repulsive practice that I object to most strongly, of course, but is a factor in this kind of discourse. Whatever the aim, stick to discussion about the area of work or study the person is in. Showing independent thought on studies always inflames the interest of academics or teachers, and likewise showing a passionate work ethic and desire to do more impressed bosses who are half-interested in the job themselves. It might be good to gauge the level of interest each person has in their occupation since some people in authority can be disillusioned with the job. Catching onto this fact can open up a more profitable discussion for both parties and stop the person from perhaps discovering whatever advantage you wish to have over them. Avoid discussion about personal matters, activities outside of work and personal tastes in music and film for fear of a clash of interests. Find out about these things from other employees if necessary.
There are other columns here I could include but the rules are often the same with family members and others depend on levels of intimacy with the individual. These are just observations I have made that help me tread water with the various types of people who want me to say things back to them. And they just keep a-coming.
Well… I’m ready. I’m willing. Sort of.
Next time, is the human race worth fighting for (even if we know the answer?)
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thedudeabides reviewed Version 2 -
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Realy enjoyed that. Both for the content and the writing acumen. And it doesn’t necessarily feel like something written by someone so young. THis is something that could have been written by anyone of any age. Although not by anyone because the writing is better than most.
On the content: I remember growing up and feeling like small talk and most of what people said to each other was inane and empty. When I talked I wanted it to count. I wanted to have something to say. As I got older I became a person known as being fairly quiet but when he spoke it was always good. Mission accomplished you might say. But not really because I’ve so fashioned myself to having that split with others in day to day conversation that I now feel a disconnect at times and it’s too ingrained to stop now. As i get older I just want to be able to talk to people but I still feel those blocks. So though I agree with your sentiments, certainly empathize with them, and admire the smart and erudite way you presented them, I would just warn about letting a disdain for most of the banal intercourse that takes place between people becoming a wall between them.
But man i hear you. I still think the thoughts you have expressed here and sometimes want to take a blunt object to myself for allowing myself to engage in the grotesque panorama of choreographed interaction that seems put through a slightly modified lathe for work, relatives, dating, peer groups, etc.
Your young person generic conversation was funny and captured that element of interchangeability so many of us seem to be categorized by. And to do nothing to alter. You’ve got a good ear for not only people but for truth. THe whole piece had the smell of truth upon it and I greatly appreciated that.
Very good and makes me want to read part 1.
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MaskedMoon reviewed Version 2 -
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Hmm, Well this is defiently the most interesting piece of journalisim i’ve read on here. As for your line of communication of apes now that is something I wouldn’t mind in the mornings when I go to work and the hyper, perky people there are wanting to talk and talk loud. I do agree on a part in Teachers,Bosses and Superiors that personal lives need to stay out of the work place. I myself try to keep that out unless Im talking with friends which is fine, but I don’t like to with any other co-workers. I think this was a good topic for journalisim
the_ringer reviewed Version 2 -
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you give me no exit. while i was entertained by some of your interpersonal observations, i personally cannot connect to this. frankly, i see these as a series of personal problems. it’s an introverted, existential argument and i’m an extroverted people-embracing individual. as for the work itself, you’re grammar is fine and you do have an interesting (understatement) way with describing certain people and situations (however warped). not sure how this would fare on it’s own, though. granted, i haven’t read part one.
King_and_his_Sorrow_1981 reviewed Version 2 -
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Your subject matter is something that everyone has heard before. It sounded like a pissed off teenager bloging on myspace. Take a deep breath, smoke a joint, and write about something that people wont roll their eyes on. I have gone through the same crappy situations in my life. Get over it. Hang out with those that are older than yourself, then you wont be too disappointed about your own peers.
stephanie482 reviewed Version 2 -
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Well, if your purpose was to entertain, you have succeeded – I enjoyed this immensly. And while you may not be an excellent conversationalist, you ARE a good writer. I think this works well on it’s own – however, if you WANT it to work on it’s own, you should either a) spend a paragraph or two recapping your previous article or b) elimanate all reference TO the previous article. (Having not read the previous article myself, I was curious and my curiosity was not satisfied by the small details you provided). My second suggestion is to simply relax. Writing should come from the heart, not from the thesaurus. Don’t assume your reader will be comfortable with big words – don’t assume they even know what the big words mean. Never talk up to your reader, and CERTAINLY never talk down to them. Once you find the happy medium, I think you’ll be fabulous. Good luck!
blimprue reviewed Version 2 -
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The prologue and “Blathering’s of the Young” turned my spine to a sentient icicle-I was too familiar with the points to remain comfortable…
I have two suggestions: Do you think you could mold this into a comic narrator- with a dash of pretension and a pinch of earnestness-who opens an Etiquette school for precisely overcoming the social malady’s above?
Could you also create a list of transatlantic difficulties communicating with the inheritors of bastardized English. One British gentlemen (I regularly conversed with) used to rage on this with overtly contemptuous ferocity-seems a minefield of comic possibility.
This definitely should be publishable when whipped into perfect shape.
wanderingstar127 reviewed Version 2 -
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I really enjoyed reading your second entry of observations. Quite the read before noon for me. I think this installment standing alone surely makes more sense to the reader if they have read your first essay. But it does have its singular qualities as well and shows truth through your observations of daily conversations. Very interesting. I’m looking forward to hearing about the battle or lack thereof for mankind.
obscuredemerald reviewed Version 2 -
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I don’t find that this piece works as “journalism” until you get to the section of “Blatherings of the Less Young.” Unfortunately, that whole coversation--whether it is a spoof or not-- is not very believable at all. People do not have spoken conversations in that way, nor should they have to. Even more so, a lot of those lines were run-on sentences that could’ve been broken down. The section where you write of how young people use acrnoyms to speak is one where the acronyms you have listed are completely unrecognizable to me. I’ve never seen them. If you made them up to show them as an example, I’d suggest using real acronyms that are more believable. “HAU” is especially one that just would not work for a younger crowd..but over internet chats, it would show as “How r u?” This piece could work great as satire if you wanted to use it by itself. I would suggest, however, that to make it more interesting and readable, to consider using less “I’s” in the first half…possibly throughout the story… and instead, word your sentences so that it could apply to any person. It was not a great piece, but it wasn’t as if it weren’t entertaining to read either. Not bad, but could be better.
The_Krank_Nilic reviewed Version 1 -
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Wise beyond your years….a good piece like yesterday, but I think the writing style is quite different. You still have the humour but it is presented differently – I found it to be more conventionally placed. Yesterday, I really liked the way you would morph into almost scientific-like language, and then suddenly break it up with a little obscenity, where as today it is more straightforward. I prefered yesterday’s piece, but that is not to say one is better than the other, it is merely personal preference based on my own comedic tastes.
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