I think you’re right about this being unfinished, it just sort of trails off aimlessly. :D Thanks for your review.
Poetry / the newest love
wide wide black of false happiness
and fire-mad moth thoughts, the gleam
of us in chemical love.
when i was younger than now
i knew how to read souls, i knew
what people were and
where all their tiny dark parts were
to be found but that was lost in
this wide wide black.
when i was younger than now
i lived in a house with a bottomless
well, full of water like a glassy black
hole. there were fish inside or
maybe eels slick and fast
or monsters with hard skin.
maybe there were brick walls slimey
all the way down and algae under
my fingernails as i sank
all the way down.
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rebel310 reviewed Version 1 -
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well realy i find this to be put in one word fantastic its donsent need work its a perfect poem from what im thinking its going to get noitced just get it out there more
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verablue reviewed Version 1 -
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“chemical love”, great line. loved the overall imagery in this…dirty, brutal, and honest. doesn’t feel quite finished though, i feel it could use a bit more, or perhaps just revise the ending a bit to give it more of a sense of closure.
ms_murder reviewed Version 1 -
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the imagery is excellent. but it doesn’t sound like it’s about drug induced love, or even not drug induced love. i’m not sure what it sounds like it should be, but it feels like it doesn’t much have a point. maybe explain it to me?
richardlynn51 reviewed Version 1 -
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I think you have potential..I like “fire-mad moth thoughts”..in the 2nd stanza..were you falling down into the “bottomless” well with fish and monsters?
Your good at creating images..work on the presentation so the reader can come in and enjoy it…just my opinion..sometimes I reread and rewrite my poems every day…
thysta reviewed Version 1 -
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Nice.
I like the mystery of what is actually in the well. I think the wide wide black being mentioned a second time could be replaced with something more interesting. I liked that line the first time, the second just seemed like overkill.
Good job though.
~t
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