You can’t judge something on the first impression is all I can say for Tashi being weak and helpless. Otherwise, I suggest reading more of the story before you assume something of that nature.
Sci Fi & Fantasy / So-called Monster -Part One-
Tashi came through the kitchen doors backwards, not intending to carry her tray with one hand for any length of time. She was careful to keep out of the patrons’ and her fellow waiters’ and waitress’ way, though she couldn’t escape being bumped once or twice. As she worked, there was a constant blush in her cheeks, the length of her dress only going to just above her knees making her a bit self conscious around the drunken men. Her shoes tapped the wooden floor, making a soft sound that none of the patrons’ ears would pick up with all the chatter they were making, drunken laughter overtaking clinking glasses and forks scraping against plates.
The small girl quickly set the tray of food onto a table near the Inn’s window, setting each plate delicately in front of two men drinking and not even noticing her. As she took the tray into her arms again, she glimpsed a tall figure outside. There was something different about him in comparison to the other men at the Inn, but she had no time to contemplate.
“Tashi, get in the kitchen and get the next order out!” Carter was the Inn Keeper as well as Tashi’s boss. He was a round man to say the least. His greasy blonde hair would never sit right on his head and his gray eyes always seemed to be glaring or faking a laugh for a patron. His brown breeches were patched at both knees and his matching vest was lucky to still have three buttons left on it. His white shirt beneath it was wrinkled and stained to boot, but no one would argue with the big boss.
Tashi jumped and nearly fell into the table before righting herself and running off through the crowd and back into the kitchens. She came right back out a moment later, her tray filled with food again. There was more this time around then the last time, so it did slow her down a bit. The tray was easily half her weight if not more.
The man she’d seen outside had come in and was now sitting in the only empty corner left at the Inn. His tan leather hat was kept over his eyes, even as Carter went to the table and started making small talk. Tashi could see easily enough how tense and watchful the man was. Any other girl would’ve been suspicious of a man in a long brown coat, three buckles at his chest to keep it closed, with only his black pants and scuffed traveling boots visible from his calves down, but Tashi saw nothing menacing about him. If anything, he looked anxious.
Tashi’s innocent blue eyes brightened as her thoughts took her mind for a spin, which inevitably made her bump into a patron who’d just stood up from his table. The tray spun sideways out of her hands, the food falling to the floor as the girl’s hands flew to cover her mouth, tears already welling up in her eyes as the Inn went silent and Carter made his way over to her. Before she could get a word out, he backhanded her. Tashi fell backwards into the path of another patron, who merely scoffed at her before walking off.
“You hideous little wretch, why are you incapable of doing anything right?” Carter shouted at her as she slowly stood up. Some men were snickering while others blatantly ignored the fuss. “You’re good for nothing.” Tashi’s long brown hair fell over her face to cover the purple birthmark going from her hairline above her ear, over her eyes like a mask, and to the opposite hairline. This mark merited Carter when he told her she was hideous, though in reality she was far from it. “The broken glassware is coming from your pay as well as the wasted food.”
“Carter-sir, please, I need the money for my mother! I’ll stay after hours if I must, but please!” Tashi never noticed her hands and knees were bleeding from the broken glass on the floor as she spoke, though one man did.
“Stay, do what you will, but if this room isn’t spotless by morning, you won’t be getting paid for the next three weeks.” Tashi couldn’t argue, so she merely nodded before Carter walked away and the Inn livened up again.
After a moment, Tashi took the tray and began placing broken glass onto it, cutting her hands several times in the process. Men walked by her without a glance, sometimes even bumping into her as they passed. Once she’d gotten the glass picked up and thrown away, she was quick to bandage her hands and knees before she came back to sweep up the fallen food. Carter was highly likely to kill her if she got blood on anything while there were still patrons at the Inn, though they had started filing out while she was cleaning. Once she was completely finished getting food, her blood, and any smaller pieces of glass off the floor, there weren’t any patrons still in the dining room. They were either home or upstairs in their beds for the night. The only man left was the one who’d been in the long coat.
Tashi walked to his table timidly, trying not to fidget with the cleaned tray in her arms. “Is there something I could get for you, Sir? Maybe some water or perhaps brandy?” The man looked up at her from under his hat with crimson eyes, pale skin, and a slender, emotionless face; except there was a glint of something in his eyes, disbelief or shock. Tashi couldn’t tell.
“Just water, please.” His voice was hoarse but deep. It was like he wasn’t used to speaking.
“I’ll be right back, Sir.” Tashi spun on her heel and scurried off to get the man water.
She set the glass on the table carefully in front of him just a minute or so later, her hands bandaged to her wrists in his sight. As she pulled away, the man grabbed her wrist gently. With his free hand, he removed his hat and set it on the table as if he were handling glass. His pitch-colored hair disappeared behind him, tied at the nape with a leather chord. Tashi didn’t flinch away from him at all, though her face did turn slightly pinker as he lifted her small hand to his lips and planted a kiss on her injured palm.
“Thank you, Tashi.” Those eyes gazed at her reddening face as he let go of her wrist. She smiled at him before turning away and walking off to start her cleaning duties. “Tashi, you’re quite lovely when you smile.” The man whispered under his breath before replacing his hat atop his head.
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SwordMistress reviewed Version 2 -
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JIOden reviewed Version 2 -
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Well, for having taken 5 minutes to pop this out I am impressed. It is rather well developed for a five minute jaunt. It looks like it is well worth shaping and I suggest thinking things through to design a plot line and story that this can come int a strong context with. I see the characters of the boss and waitress well enough to get characteristics that make me certain that you have a very strong antagonistic potential between the two characters to add sufficient tensio0n. The last introduced character may well be a key player if you think out the plot more and build the storyline. I think it has merit for shaping.
This is still rather rough so I will not go into grammer here. I think this needs more shaping before you get too worried about pro critiques. Read aloud to insure your sentances are not too long, or too stifled. I think you can do a lot with the beginings of a very interesting story that is awaiting a firm bit of focus to bring out the shine that is glimmering beneath the surface.
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faydiablo reviewed Version 2 -
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I like this, even though I don’t really know where you are going with the stranger character, but I liked him. Tashi seems a bit weak and helpless, which I don’t really like, because it’s so overplayed- the weak female and her hero.
So far, you haven’t given the guy a name or anything other than his appearence, so you might want to think about adding a bit more to this part.
Re reviewed Version 2 -
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It’s a very interesting story fragment. I certainly believe it is worthy of adding more to the story. No doubt it would help a publisher see your talent more clearly. The basic stucture and spelling could use some minor editing but overall a fine effort even without the lightning speed of its creation. What’s next?
Ozzymandias reviewed Version 2 -
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This is very good, although I wish there were more. I realize this is the beginning but I would like more so I could see how this is a science fiction or fantasy story.
You have created a very sympathetic heroine in Tashi and a very unlikable antagonist in Carter. You also have the patron in the long coat and hat. He pikes the readers interest. I hope to see more. This is a great start.
unborn reviewed Version 1 -
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“three pages done in a five minute sitting” – i think it was longer than that ;)
“As she worked, there was a constant blush in her cheeks, mainly because of the length of her dress only going as far as her knees to show her tanned legs” – i think you should make it clearer that she is embarrassed about her dress length by describing the reactions of people around her.
“with all the noise they were making” – again this is a perfect chance to expand the environment, but you opt to make it shorter than it needed to be. try describing what noises are making which sounds and from where.
““Tashi, get in the kitchen and get the next order out!” Carter was the Inn Keeper as well as Tashi’s boss” – nothing too wrong here, just a suggestion. why not follow the quote with “said carter the Inn Keeper.” ?
“least she was fit to have a husband. No man will ever want you for a bride” – this line comes out of nowhere, seems forced.
okay, now that’s out of the way ill focus on the good :)
it was a fun read that flowed well. your descriptions, at times, are joyous and some tightening couldnt hurt either. i think there is a talent worth shaping here and you have a great foundation to work on. i was entertained by this read. though, i am not a publisher, i hope my advice wasnt conveyed too harshly. and overall im giving it a 7/10. good work!
magusofchaos reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a pretty decent rough draft. It catches the attention and leaves plenty of room for expansion.
The only real problem I saw was that it’s difficult to place the setting. It’s probably not modern day, as the place is referred to as an inn and the inn keeper hits an employee and no one objects. The short dress and trench coat seems to indicate it’s not too far in the past, either.
I like the encounter between Tashi and the stranger. That should lead to some interesting things. He seems extremely grateful when all she did was bring him water. Also, how did he know her name? One thing: if “any other girl” would be suspicious of the man, why wasn’t Tashi? Is she just that innocent, or does she think she’s in no particular danger because the marking on her face makes her less attractive to atackers?
I’m looking forward to reading more of this.
DeadEdward reviewed Version 1 -
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Well, i do think u can work a bit on the mood and describing things. The story itself is most fascinating but do i get this right.. your wrote it in 5 minutes.
Don’t do that… write it in 5 minutes, let it rest for a while so you can think about it. After a while (a few days, longer who knows) reread it and u see a few mistakes here and there. U correct them and with fresh inspiration you deepen the story… give it a second layer. Its like painting a wall. First layer is never good and it has to dry for a second layer. (wth? writing is painting) Sounds weird but if u try it that way maybe it works.. trying has never harmed anyone… except for suicide.
hellbunny reviewed Version 1 -
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At the end of the first chapter, you mentioned the patrons were noisy, but it would be much stronger if you gave us more of a feel of the atmosphere, including the noise, as you describe the scene rather than as an afterthought.
It was odd that Tashi had to bandage herself and that she was actively bleeding after everyone had left instead of when the place was full. I’m sure they didn’t just vanish the second she cut herself.
Okay, nit-picky things aside. I love this piece! I liked Tashi immediately. You know quite well how to endear your protagonist to your readers. I’m very interested in the mysterious man, and I can’t wait to read more. I like how well you contrast the regular patrons to this new person that has come into her life.
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