Short Story / My First

The party was a success.  I drove home with Maggie in the passenger seat next to me, while I went on raving about the night.  I had so much fun.  The games were great!  The food was delicious.  I met two new guys that were so cute.

In my excitement I hadn’t noticed my comments and questions were responded by one word answers and mostly silence.  I looked over to Maggie who was looking straight ahead through the front window.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing!” was her response.

“Come on Maggie don’t do this to me.  We just came back from a great party.  Don’t let the night end like this.”

She said nothing. She was mad.  I had done something wrong.  Maggie would not look at me, but just kept looking forward with her lips pressed in a pucker.  Even angry and at me, I thought she was such a beautiful woman.  Her petite athletic frame, her even toned mocha complexion always glowed as though she just stepped out of a shower and her long thin bouncy dreadlocks drew me to her like one is draw to a cute fuzzy puppy.  I loved Maggie; sometimes I was obsessed with my feelings for her.  She never made it easy for me.  She almost seemed to work at angering me or hurting me so that I could feel the pain she felt.

“So what did I do this time?”

She turned to me and yelled, “It’s the same old mess.  I’m standing right next to you and I am stuck fending for myself.  You can’t even introduce me to people.  I’m the new one, the fish flopping around solo and you can never help me to feel welcome.”

She went on.  For the rest of the ride home, all ten minutes of it she told me everything that I did wrong that night, and then it went to some things I did wrong on another occasion.  Maggie reamed me a new butt hole and degraded me to nothing.

I kept saying I was sorry.  I gave her examples of where I honestly tried.  I showed her areas where she should have spoke up.  That only infuriated her.  

I became frustrated.  I had done all I could and maybe I could have done better but at some point I could not spend my life holding her by the hand.  I knew she was fragile.  Her husband had left her.  She didn’t have the most welcoming personality in spite of her great beauty.  It wasn’t easy to warm up to Maggie.  But I kept trying and I kept getting my feelings hurt.  I understood her troubled upbringing and the emotional torment that came from being abused.

I had had enough.  What did she want from me?  How many times could I say I was sorry?  How many parties did I have to keep getting her invited to only to see her become ungrateful and criticize me for not being the perfect friend?

I realized I was yelling those questions to her.  The argument went from the car to the house where I was dropping her off, still trying to make things right.  I was burning, feeling like my skin was on fire, an angered mess with tears streaming down my face and trembling.  I didn’t deserve to be treated in such a manner.

I noticed Maggie was looking at me with the sweetest, softest expression on her face.  Her arms went around me and she embraced me tightly to her.  I could feel her small round firm breast against my large full ones.  Something in me tingled with that realization.  She stroked my shoulder length hair as she said, “I’m sorry baby, don’t cry anymore.  Please stop crying,” in a soft nurturing voice.

Eventually my crying subsided and stopped trembling.  She had accepted my apology finally.  I smiled relieved the fight was over, though I am sure she took my smile as forgiveness for her putting me through this emotional rollercoaster plunge to self loathing and anger.  Why did I allow this woman to have such power over me?  I’ve never let a man get me that bent out of shape.

I started to leave and walked to the back door, to my car.  Maggie stopped me with a gentle tug at my wrist.  I turned to face her.  She took my face in her hands and looked me deeply in my eyes and said, “I really am sorry.”

I had no more fight left in me and didn’t really care if she was genuine or not.

She then pressed her full, warm soft lips against mine in a kiss that lasted longer than I have ever kissed a woman.  I’ve only ever kissed a man the way she was kissing me.  I let her.  I didn’t pull away but laid into the kiss.  I felt lightheaded and my hands felt warm and tingled.  Maggie pulled away slowly.

“Be safe getting home,” she said.

With that, I left, still feeling her sweet kiss on my lips as I drove home.  I couldn’t help but wonder what it was I was feeling.  Physically, I still felt her touch.  Emotionally, I wanted to feel it again, that tenderness, her skin lightly scented with coco butter.  I kept pushing the thoughts away afraid I was suddenly gay because I enjoyed that kiss.  I knew she needed to feel love and intimacy, especially having recently lost it; me being single and looking left me also needing the personal intimacy one gets with someone they are in love with and who loves them.  

I couldn’t help however feeling like I was once again being manipulated the most talented Maggie Shaw.  She went to sleep knowing someone loved her enough that she had the power to make them cry and within an hour kiss them with passion.  I went to bed wondering how on earth I fell in love with a woman.  

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higginbot avatar General Stranger

March 21, 2008

higginbot

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higginbot reviewed Version 4 - Read 100% of the Item

Typo:draw to her should be drawn

So, I like this, but at the same time, I don’t think that you should spell out quite so explicitly what she was worried about immediately after the kiss.  Your readers are smart enough to figure out why she’s worried if you just say something like “I began to worry that perhaps I’d enjoyed our kiss a little too much.”  That way, you get your point across with a little bit more subtlety and aplomb than, “I worried that I was suddenly gay.”  They get across the same point, but to me, the first sentence seems to be more along the lines of what you were going for in terms of tone.  The “gay” sentence seems out of place in this piece and is almost jarring when it comes along.

Other than that, this is a very well written piece, and I think you did a good job at exploring an unknown (to you, at least) territory.

BeccathePromoMami avatar General Stranger

February 28, 2008

BeccathePromoMami

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BeccathePromoMami reviewed Version 4 - Read 100% of the Item

This is a good story – a LITTLE on the romance side, but you kept it literary.  While I enjoyed the plot, I didn’t respond well to the simplicity of the writing style.  I think that varying your sentence structure is one way to liven this piece up – it’s about two girls making out – it should be HOT, or at least captivating lol.  Try not to start every sentence “I did this” or “I did that”.  

Also, this piece might benefit from more vivid imagery.  I liked the description of Maggie – but those were the only real pictures painted in this piece.

I also think the less exposition, the better. I don’t know if all the back story about Maggie is completely necessary.  I would have preferred more explanation of how she was manipulative – which was a curious way to end, considering what you have divulged about her earlier in the story.  I would have also liked more clarification about what happened at the party – at first I thought the speaker was a man, in a relationship with Maggie and was flirting with guys at the party (because of the notes), then I thought it was some sort of swingers affair or something – but that could just be me lol.

I liked the story. This is a good start.

JTstories avatar General Stranger

January 03, 2008

JTstories

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JTstories reviewed Version 4 - Read 100% of the Item

The narrator seems to fall a little too easily for the antagonist, the talemted Maggie Shaw. It seems too easy that they are arguing one moment, and suddenly they are making out just because their boobs touched. You should try to provide a little more detail about the narrator, so we can understand why THEY could so easily make the transition from unsuspecting straight woman with large breasts, to resentful lesbian in one fell swoop.

You gave a little insight into Maggie’s personality quirks, but none for the speaker. WHY is she in love with Maggie, what draws her to Maggie once that spark has been kindled? Other than being ‘beautiful’, Maggie seems like a real self centered bitch, and even the protaginist realizes this, so why are they unable to control their feelings? There has to be some sort of past to support this behaviour. Try to delve into that just a bit.

BeholdtheMan avatar General Stranger

January 03, 2008

BeholdtheMan

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BeholdtheMan reviewed Version 4 - Read 100% of the Item

Okay i liked It a lot. The concept of the story is great and it works well. You write very well and I found myself very interested in the story. It is also good that it wasn’t that long. your character development was really good, the story isn’t that long but we still learned a lot about both characters. Overall it’s a good story

omahadick avatar General Stranger

December 31, 2007

omahadick

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omahadick reviewed Version 4 - Read 100% of the Item

Interesting characters.  I do have to say, I thought the speaker was a gay man until the end of the piece.  Maybe you can bring up the fact that they are both women earlier.  

I had a terrific writing teacher in college who used to always say, “SHOW me, don’t tell me.”  That’s what I would pass on to you.  The story is universal and dramatic, but you tell us a lot.  For instance, you tell us that Maggie goes over how she has been hurt in the past and present by the speaker.  I want to hear Maggie tell the speaker about those times.  Also, ”...I kept saying I was sorry.  I gave her examples of where I honestly tried.  I showed her areas where she should have spoke up…”  I want to hear all of that from the lips of the speaker.  I think adding a lot more dialogue and less narrative would make this story really compelling.  

Also, the whole lesbian slant is barely hinted at.  What if we saw some of the action at the party: Maggie’s jealousy, the speaker flirting with men, etc.  You’ve sparked interest in me and now I want to really get to know these characters and their relationship.  
  

LindsayWesker avatar General Friend

December 31, 2007

LindsayWesker

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LindsayWesker reviewed Version 4 - Read 100% of the Item

I can picture this scene very clearly: feel the tension, hear the conversation, and I even got an image of the car and the road!  I’ve been in that car before and I’ve had that argument.  Only two people in love can drive each other so nuts, so the kiss at the end makes perfect sense.  It’s an infuriuating yet passionate and sexy argument, and it definitely works as a short story but this clearly has mileage for something longer.

groovieknave avatar General Friend

December 25, 2007

groovieknave

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groovieknave reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

Great emotional story here, just a couple of errors, like “I had, had enough” you don’t need a comma, and the last line  

”...being manipulated by latest diva exercise…”  should “the” in there

There was some other one in there, but I forgot where it was. One thing I suggest the first kiss didn’t seem too strange to her, maybe it was part of the story for that… but a first kiss between any two people is always pretty exciting, butterflies in the stomach, you know? You didn’t seem to show that kind of emotion, so I’m not sure if that was intentional.

Also you didn’t tell us what they look like, but that’s okay… I don’t do that much either. I like to leave that for people to imagine, whether it be themselves or whoever.

It’s an interesting point of view and the event that led to the situation was believable… so I say good work! Keep writing!

fuzznuts81 avatar General Stranger

December 20, 2007

fuzznuts81

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fuzznuts81 reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

This is a great snapshot of a moment, however some of the description is a little bland.  I am a lesbian, and even though this is about a brief straying of sexuality, it still relates to a first time for any questioning person.  That is a good achievement as I don’t think you have pushed away an audience and it is very respectful.  For some reason the sudden use of gay at the end is a shock to the senses… it isn’t that I am offended at the use, just the rest of the story is so soft, it is sudden.  Also diva seems to be a little much.  You definitely have something here, just look for other ways to boost the description with uniqueness.

alicejagged avatar General Stranger

December 20, 2007

alicejagged

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alicejagged reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

this story to me was a very smart topic. there a lot of people out there who have been through similar dilemas. overall i liked this story very much. the first few words “the party was a success” sucked me right in. however towards the end you switch to present tense and then back to past tense again “(I’ve only ever kissed a man the way she was now kissing me.)  I let her.  I didn’t pull away but laid into the kiss.  Maggie pulled away slowly.” other than that i have no complaints. i love your story!

Nani avatar General Stranger

December 20, 2007

Nani

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Nani reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

This is well done, you share your honest emotions and perspective, exactly what a good writer does.  The last observation is a good one, helps the reader consider along with you what really just happened.

Couple nits:

“I had, had enough.”  No comma needed here.

“Come on Maggie don’t do this to me.”  Needs a comma after Maggie.

Good work!

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PrincesswriterC avatar

PrincesswriterC

Age: 40
Loc: Cleveland, OH
Gen: F
Last Login: October 13
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