As soon as I find her issues I’ll write them. Thanks for your review. Humm This really does need a plot. LOL
Smile,
PrincessC
Short Story / Fat Story - One American's Tale
Fat story - One American’s tale!
You laughed didn’t you? It’s time for a good laugh you thought as you read the title of my story. Let’s read about the fat lady. Yeah I know. I laugh too when I see someone grossly larger than my five foot five, two hundred pound frame. I mean I am not that fat and I have curves in all the right places so I don’t show my obesity like most Americans.
But the truth of the matter is, I am obese by 40 pounds. I am horribly addicted to food. It has always been that way for me. I never knew that though until it started to show. Just as my mother warned me, I turned 30 years old and all that pigging out wasn’t as cute as I went from a size eight to a size 16. For a while I could loose it quickly but after two or three years of yoyo dieting my body had enough and just stopped loosing.
Well my body hadn’t stopped loosing; I just refused to work harder to loose that weight. I like every other fat American wanted the easy solution. I drank the shakes, I took the pills and I exercised like a maniac so I could eat what I wanted.
Oh excuse me a moment, this writing exercise is depressing me and there are a few Ritz crackers in range I feel the need to eat. Give me a moment please.
Thank you. I think I am good for another fifteen minutes. Yeah I know I had a nice healthy home made bowl of beef stew for lunch, but that was – dang it, only an hour ago – there wasn’t much left after having it for dinner the night before. Geeze, I don’t get out of work until 5. Humm, maybe I can sneak around the office to the coffee centers and see if there is some food from meetings left sitting around for consumption. I promise this will only take ten minutes tops.
Okay, I made out. I love the holiday seasons. Folks just be baking up a storm. Janet baked brownies. I got two of them. Now don’t you be looking at me like I am being greedy. She cut the pieces so small I was able to just plop one in my mouth while I was in the coffee room, and it was so good I had to have one with nuts and the other batch had icing. Anyway, after that I went up stairs at the two coffee centers on that floor and there was a party tray, so I made a half a sandwich. I got some ham and turkey, American cheese and put some miracle whip on it. I found a green piece of lettuce they had on the tray for garnish and tomato slice. Well I have to have my veggies and I don’t like sweet pickles.
So now I am ready to go again after getting my booty. LOL – Booty for the Booty. I know not funny. This is a real problem. I really need to loose this weight. Well I feel better though because I took the stairs down from the second floor instead of taking the elevator. Plus, folks won’t see that I’ve been lurking around snatching grub. Heh, like they care.
Seriously, I feel awesome right now. I can get through the afternoon. I even winked at that cute Lebanese guy Fadi that just walked by. Oh he is a hottie. He smiled back and shook his head as he passed me. I guess he wasn’t expecting me to be following him with my eyes. Now that just killed my buzz. Heck I don’t’ care. There are plenty of fine men that like a woman with a little padding. I aint pressed.
I’ve just popped the last brownie in my mouth and that brought my buzz back. Thank goodness. I have all these files to organize and I want them done before the end of the day when the new stack comes.
Scientist will tell me that all the sugar and high fructose corn syrup in the bread and dressing I ate is what is going to make me have another food craving in an hour or two. I had a bagel and yogurt for breakfast and the remainder of my pasta dinner from two nights ago for lunch. Now that was good, Spaghetti with little shrimp and alfredo sauce from the jar. It was instant satisfaction. It was a meal, made and eaten in less than twenty minutes. Who could ask for more? Now if scientist can tell me how to eat in under twenty minutes a warm meal that would fill me up in under twenty minutes, where my dining will be varied, then please send me the book. I am not trying to spend twenty minutes preparing cleaning veggies then steaming them in some contraption that cost me nearly a hundred dollars so that I can eat like a rabbit and be hungry in less then an hour.
The work is done. I am so happy. I walk to my car, up two blocks from my building instead of taking the circulator bus. The sun is out and I feel great. I think I’ll take my dog for a nice vigorous walk in the park.
Excuse me, my phone is ringing and its momma. I have to answer it.
Man, mom wants to walk today. She has those prosthetic knees. She is mobile and I am glad for her but I can walk three miles in the time she can walk one. Yeah I am fat but I can move. I can dance two or three hours straight too. I’ve seen skinny girls not be able to keep up with me. Sorry, I digress, mom walking. I told her I would take her. So once again my Puffy Wuffy won’t get his walk and I’m not taking two walks just so I can get my heart rate up. I’ll miss my nightly TV viewing if I do.
The walk was nice with mom. I’m now in my pajama’s with my bag of popcorn and watching my shows. I got the lightly buttered bag. I know if I eat the entire bag I am eating two and a half servings but I’ll work it off tomorrow. Nothing will stop my power walk tomorrow.
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samfreely reviewed Version 1 -
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Holy shit! I LOVED this piece. All the right sarcasm in all the right places. Great rant! It me laughing through out. See, now this has more life than that other exercise. Simply brilliant. And I absolutely loved how you got side-tracked when discussing you mother. I just don’t know what else I can say about this piece.
Uh… few typos, but i’m sure others have pointed them out to you.
Good work!
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DCAllen reviewed Version 1 -
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This is funny. I was pleasantly surprised by the ironic elements (scavenging for food in the office while describing to the reader about her problems losing weight). You could place this in Humor/satire.
Proofreading notes:
I could loose it quickly . . . just stopped loosing . . . = lose, losing (and throughout the text.
home made bowl = homemade
In the paragraph that starts “Okay, I made out. . . .” you all of a sudden start talking like a black woman with an attitude. I like this and think you should be using this voice all along.
I know not funny. = I know: not funny.
a meal, made (no need for the comma here)
and its momma. = and it’s Momma.
Is she Momma or Mom?
Sorry, I digress, mom walking. = Sorry, I digress. Mom. Walking. (my suggestion)
ewilly75 reviewed Version 1 -
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i think you have good technique and present the main character, you, as vivacious but overweight with a zest and zeal. what is needed now, i believe, is a plot. something to hook us readers. why is her weight an issue, what are the issues? it doesn’t seem as if her health is a problem, so are there social issues?
it reads well and smoothly and the character is interesting. now just tell me more about her and the struggle, or the comedy/tragedy of it all.
keep writing, thanks
kingJeremy_theWicked reviewed Version 1 -
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this was funny, but also sad. i began to feel sorry for this person and think of her as an addict. i enjoyed the last paragraph, the procrastination of the workout, it worked very well. there were a few sentence structure problems, such as repeating “in under twenty minutes” twice in one sentence. but this piece moved pretty smooth, andthat is hard to accomplish in a present tense, second person narrative, but you pull it off nicely. overall i think this is a good story, with a very realistic voice. good work
omahadick reviewed Version 1 -
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I like this character. I like that she is not self-hating. She seems little guilty about over-eating, but she also revels in it. She is really refreshing.
I had a good time reading this, but I want to see more. I had a teacher in college who used to always say, “SHOW me, don’t tell me.” I would like to hear the speaker’s conversations with her mother. I want to hear her mother berating her for eating too much all those years. What if there were a co-worker who was always on her case. An over-bearing boss, maybe?
I love the Ritz cracker break. The food could even have personality. What kinds of food does she like best? What if she carried on conversations with the food?
I also think there is a terrific opportunity to flesh out a hilarious scene as the speaker sneaks around the office stealing food. What if she gets caught and has to come up with an alibi?
My favorite part of this was her interest in the man in her office. And she is very right, there are plenty of guys who like women with a little something extra on them. What if the Lebanese guy is really into her as well. This is another opportunity for a really funny scene and lots of interesting dialogue. In fact, I would like to see more interaction with others and more dialogue throughout. Thanks for the fun read.
Ozzymandias reviewed Version 1 -
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I really enjoyed reading this. Speaking from experience, you’ve captured the procrastination and the use of food to comfort us in times of despare.
I noticed some place where their should be commas. Other things that should be changed: “yo-yo” has a dash in it, “Momma” and “Mom” should be capitalized, leave out “LOL.”
Also, “Folks just be baking up a storm.” and ”I know not funny.” are awkward sentences, you should reword them.
Overall I enjoyed this very much. Good luck and keep writing.
rossipossi reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the dry sense of humor. It read well. It’s something I thing we can all relate well too- even the skinny girls. America’s obeseity (spelt wrong I think). Anyways America’s obeseity would maybe a little lower if diets were not so expensive and unsatisfactory. I do like your very last sentence- “Nothing will stop my power walk tomorrow”. I don’t know if it was you intention to symbolize how we say we are going to excericise but then something comes up- a call, a friends invitation to come over, or your favorite move is on TV- so we put it off till the next day. There is not much need to change anything it more thoughts then a story. But good.
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