Thank you so much for your review. I do like the idea of changing the structure of the lines. I wouldn’t revamp the whole piece, but I would agree that some lines could be tampered with. Thanks again.
Poetry / Rapture (Analysis)
Adorn my flesh with luxury,
absolute,
your scent tangible
in midnight inquisitions
eloquence conspiring with celestial bliss,
euphoria reborn.
Purity howls for recognition
as naked compassion unfolds;
redeemed and lingering in
angel’s embrace.
Silk seethes from fragile caverns
staining your tongue,
luminous on your kiss.
Craving
with desperate intensity;
let yourself fall upon me,
ivory scattered ‘neath torturous repetition.
Lost in your chaos,
uttering inconsistent inhales of utopia.
Return to this dreamscape and
let me contaminate you;
hips grinding lullabies as
you lie drowning beneath me,
asphyxiated
by heavenly sensation.
Let me dance upon you,
ravaging with waltzes as you
bathe my insides with poison.
I touched the stars twice
last night.
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lonley_heart reviewed Version 1 -
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this is a very erotic poem, i love it, especially the use of euphoria, and the line “staining your tongue, luminous on your kiss” it coveys great passion but is a little to elaborate in doing so. the poem itself though is really good.
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Magesius reviewed Version 1 -
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I really enjoy the imagery in this piece. My favorite lines are “let me contaminate you” and “uttering inconsistent inhales of utopia”. I had a creative writing teacher tell me to find my favorite lines in a poem and build off of those. Your poem is CHALK full of these types of lines. I could easily put a few other lines up there with these two.
I do think you should rearrange your line breaks to get more of an enjambed look to the poem. This way you can get your strongest words at the front and end up each line. Remember, it’s poetry, so you do not have to end every line where the sentance ends or a comma pauses it. For example:
Adorn my flesh
with luxury, absolute,
your scent tangible
in midnight inquisitions
eloquence conspiring with celestial
bliss, euphoria reborn.
I do not really like to rewrite someone elses work, but a rearrangement of words can for sure change the poem without actually changing the language or writing itself. Anyhow, this is a REALLY solid poem. I enjoyed it!
Msquared reviewed Version 1 -
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Well, the major problem I have with this poem is that it reads much like an old romantic poem from several hundred years back. Those poems are pretty, yes, and there’s no one stopping you from writing like the authors of the past, but if you’re looking to get published, I can guarantee you this won’t cut it since it has such an archaic feel to it and publishers are looking for new stuff, not old stuff. I’m not trying to just bash you, so please don’t get angry! I’m just telling you the truth. In the eyes of publishers, archaic stuff is a no no. But if you’re just writing for fun, then sure, go crazy! Open up a can of whoop-ass on Shakespeare!
There are a few things you can do to make your poem sound more modern and more amiable to publishers’ eyes. First of all, don’t use archaic words, such as ”’neath,” in here, or word patterns, i.e. inverted syntax. Also, it’s all about the details. Use imagery or tactile words as often as possible because it paints a picture or feeling in the reader’s mind, which makes it much more memorable and much more powerful.
It’s really hard to transition from an archaic to a modern style; I know because I was doing the same things you were a year ago. But if you really want to get published, it’s the way to go. I know you can do it! Some good examples that have helped me are Robert Frost, Robert Lowell, and Elizabeth Bishop.
Nvr2Young2Write reviewed Version 1 -
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The words in this poem are exquisite and all used perfectly in the writing. This poem is the definition of poetry its fluid and silky like a scarf in the wind. I love the last two lines in your poem the best out of the whole thing, “I thouched the stars twice last night.” It’s beautiful, please never change those last lines they are the heart of your whole writing. Excellent Work.
Johnsienoel reviewed Version 1 -
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This piece is exquisite, titillating, erotic and truly rapturous. I only felt one line needed reworking for punctuation:
Adorn my flesh with luxury.
Absolute your scent, tangible
in midnight inquisitions;
eloquence conspiring with celestial bliss,
euphoria reborn
The ‘silk seeths from fragile caverns’ inspired arousal.
I really don’t know how else this could be improved upon. Great work and one that will be added to my favorites.
richardlynn51 reviewed Version 1 -
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A very erotic poem..good descriptions ..the word “absolute” was abrupt and stopped the flow.Is “inquisitions” the right word? Its a poem of sexual feelings to me …maybe put a “twist” at the end?
fuzznuts81 reviewed Version 1 -
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Great sexual power—naked compassion is a great line. At first I was not pleased with the heavenly imagery, but the last line brings it together and makes sense. The structure is almost like sex—they payoff is at the end.
hypocrasis reviewed Version 1 -
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Even though some of the language that you use is a little overused when it comes to erotic poetry (like “angel’s embrace” and “ravaging” and “heavenly sensation”), this poem is successful and you clearly have a knack for erotica. It drew me in and left me hanging, with sexy visions in my head. The flow is good. In my opinion, this poem would be better if you toned the language down a little bit, without losing the emotional intensity, and added some original imagery.
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