Poetry / old man (Analysis)

What a fine little poem this is – the words seem almost melodic, to match the lovely scene you draw here.  Nice job.

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January 02, 2008

by planetaryexit

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19	M	Canton, NC	September 06

Thank ya.

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I like the idea your getting across.  Old and young interplay, it works.  What i wanted, especially with the subject being music, was some more depth to the work.  I wanted to hear the harmonica, or maybe the colors that the girl wears, or some other sense coming through entirely non-sound.  Also, does the girl have to be described as young.  Could you get the point across in some other descriptive way, without bulking up the text too much?

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January 02, 2008

by planetaryexit

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I looked at having just a “girl” but that seemed to take away the key dynamic of innocents.

January 02, 2008

by jhmckeogh

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I still want her to be young, but i want her to play her instrument like a young girl would, or twirl her hair immaturely, or do some action or wear some type of clothing or somehow become young to the reader, without ever being told that she is young… does that make sense?

January 02, 2008

by planetaryexit

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19	M	Canton, NC	September 06

Sorry I’m not seeing it.

April 09, 2008

by Sharon

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40	F	Mentor, OH	March 19

I’m with jhmckeogh…

You could say something like he observed her from across the street, her two, black braids poking out from behind her ears, different color fingernail polish on each finger, school uniform with the pleated skirt, she cushions her seat with her backpack, she giggles as he sits down and shows a dimple when she smiles.  

Something like that so that the reader can put it together themselves and have a better understanding of what the scene looks like.  Let us know what attracted the man to her in the first place.  Of all the people in the world, why would he die with a smile on his face while seated next to this stranger?  Does she ooze innocence when he sees her?

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This is pretty good. It’s easy for the reader to visualize the old man and little girl playing together… very well written overall. You have talent and a lot of potential for someone so young.

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January 02, 2008

by planetaryexit

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19	M	Canton, NC	September 06

Thank ya.

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I think I have some vision of this, but I’m not sure what a kokyu is, maybe and explaination in readers notes or as footnotes.
squating next to the young girl playing in tempo.
This line reads a bit awkward as I was expecting you to discribe the old man or something, tempo is speed, not sure if the word you’re looking for is harmony. I suggest he squats next to the young girl to start that line.
Other than that a nice vision of peace at the end of the road.

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December 30, 2007

by planetaryexit

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19	M	Canton, NC	September 06

Thank ya.

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Wow. Powerful.
I know what a koto is but not a kokyu.
anyway, who cares.
The piece was gentle
employed economy of words.
Seemed like a waking meditation,in fact.
Like a haiku.
It was a naked piece
without much embellishment
and got to the very heart of the story.
And WHAT A WAY TO DIE!!!
That MUST be joy.
Do die playing music
with a smile on your face.
I loved this and commend you on your wonderful voice.
You are young but your talent comes from tapping into ancient wisdom.
I can only make 1 bit of criticism.
You repeat the words “the old man” too much in the piece
I think if you broke it up by saying “he watches silently” or “he sits down next to the young girl.
You are free to do as you choose, but other than that,
I would change absolutely nothing.
I expect great things from you now ;-)
Evangeline

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December 27, 2007

by planetaryexit

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19	M	Canton, NC	September 06

Wow this is the first time that I have gained a review from the person I was reviewing hahahahaha. A kokyu (I think) is a guitar from north japan, also your right about the receptiveness of “the old man” thank ya.

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