Poetry / old man (Analysis)

I picture him dead with a smile on his face, slumped over in the street next to the girl.  They play music together, then he dies next to her?  Maybe you mean that he dies later, I don’t know.  The way it’s worded, he dies right then next to her.  If that’s the case, it turns a pretty, peaceful beginning and middle into a much less pretty and peaceful end.  I think I’d like it better if he just left her after a while with a smile on his face, content that he found someone to make music with for a little while.  Not so grim.

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April 16, 2008

by planetaryexit

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I do not see the death of the old man as being grim. You see the theam of this peice was life, and with that death. Besides to die happy is something rare indeed.

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I like the idea your getting across.  Old and young interplay, it works.  What i wanted, especially with the subject being music, was some more depth to the work.  I wanted to hear the harmonica, or maybe the colors that the girl wears, or some other sense coming through entirely non-sound.  Also, does the girl have to be described as young.  Could you get the point across in some other descriptive way, without bulking up the text too much?

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April 09, 2008

by Sharon

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I’m with jhmckeogh…

You could say something like he observed her from across the street, her two, black braids poking out from behind her ears, different color fingernail polish on each finger, school uniform with the pleated skirt, she cushions her seat with her backpack, she giggles as he sits down and shows a dimple when she smiles.  

Something like that so that the reader can put it together themselves and have a better understanding of what the scene looks like.  Let us know what attracted the man to her in the first place.  Of all the people in the world, why would he die with a smile on his face while seated next to this stranger?  Does she ooze innocence when he sees her?

January 02, 2008

by planetaryexit

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Sorry I’m not seeing it.

January 02, 2008

by jhmckeogh

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I still want her to be young, but i want her to play her instrument like a young girl would, or twirl her hair immaturely, or do some action or wear some type of clothing or somehow become young to the reader, without ever being told that she is young… does that make sense?

January 02, 2008

by planetaryexit

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I looked at having just a “girl” but that seemed to take away the key dynamic of innocents.

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What a fine little poem this is – the words seem almost melodic, to match the lovely scene you draw here.  Nice job.

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January 02, 2008

by planetaryexit

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Thank ya.

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This is pretty good. It’s easy for the reader to visualize the old man and little girl playing together… very well written overall. You have talent and a lot of potential for someone so young.

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January 02, 2008

by planetaryexit

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19	M	Canton, NC	September 06

Thank ya.

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I think I have some vision of this, but I’m not sure what a kokyu is, maybe and explaination in readers notes or as footnotes.
squating next to the young girl playing in tempo.
This line reads a bit awkward as I was expecting you to discribe the old man or something, tempo is speed, not sure if the word you’re looking for is harmony. I suggest he squats next to the young girl to start that line.
Other than that a nice vision of peace at the end of the road.

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December 30, 2007

by planetaryexit

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Thank ya.

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Wow. Powerful.
I know what a koto is but not a kokyu.
anyway, who cares.
The piece was gentle
employed economy of words.
Seemed like a waking meditation,in fact.
Like a haiku.
It was a naked piece
without much embellishment
and got to the very heart of the story.
And WHAT A WAY TO DIE!!!
That MUST be joy.
Do die playing music
with a smile on your face.
I loved this and commend you on your wonderful voice.
You are young but your talent comes from tapping into ancient wisdom.
I can only make 1 bit of criticism.
You repeat the words “the old man” too much in the piece
I think if you broke it up by saying “he watches silently” or “he sits down next to the young girl.
You are free to do as you choose, but other than that,
I would change absolutely nothing.
I expect great things from you now ;-)
Evangeline

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December 27, 2007

by planetaryexit

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Wow this is the first time that I have gained a review from the person I was reviewing hahahahaha. A kokyu (I think) is a guitar from north japan, also your right about the receptiveness of “the old man” thank ya.

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Serene melody. A very simplistic, harmonious combination of realism and imagination – music is the art of auditory communication.