Poetry / old man (Analysis)

Serene melody. A very simplistic, harmonious combination of realism and imagination – music is the art of auditory communication.

This is very nice.  What great contrast between the old man and the girl, opposites in so many ways: age, gender, him at first silent, her playing, he is wandering aimlessly, she has staked her position…but still musicians.

I like the simple language and how precisely the action is portrayed.  This is elegant and concise.  

The ending is nice, as though one final interaction of this sort was needed before he would say farewell and move on…

very nice.  pretty.

I picture him dead with a smile on his face, slumped over in the street next to the girl.  They play music together, then he dies next to her?  Maybe you mean that he dies later, I don’t know.  The way it’s worded, he dies right then next to her.  If that’s the case, it turns a pretty, peaceful beginning and middle into a much less pretty and peaceful end.  I think I’d like it better if he just left her after a while with a smile on his face, content that he found someone to make music with for a little while.  Not so grim.

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April 16, 2008

by planetaryexit

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
86	65.5% (29 votes)	34.9%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
19	M	Canton, NC	September 06

I do not see the death of the old man as being grim. You see the theam of this peice was life, and with that death. Besides to die happy is something rare indeed.

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I get the sense that in playing music with and beside such an innocent young girl, the old man touched the divine in some way and was called home.  It reads like one long sentence, which I find intriguing, yet I feel it breaks the rhythm a bit.  You have painted a peaceful scene.

Wow. Powerful.
I know what a koto is but not a kokyu.
anyway, who cares.
The piece was gentle
employed economy of words.
Seemed like a waking meditation,in fact.
Like a haiku.
It was a naked piece
without much embellishment
and got to the very heart of the story.
And WHAT A WAY TO DIE!!!
That MUST be joy.
Do die playing music
with a smile on your face.
I loved this and commend you on your wonderful voice.
You are young but your talent comes from tapping into ancient wisdom.
I can only make 1 bit of criticism.
You repeat the words “the old man” too much in the piece
I think if you broke it up by saying “he watches silently” or “he sits down next to the young girl.
You are free to do as you choose, but other than that,
I would change absolutely nothing.
I expect great things from you now ;-)
Evangeline

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December 27, 2007

by planetaryexit

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
86	65.5% (29 votes)	34.9%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
19	M	Canton, NC	September 06

Wow this is the first time that I have gained a review from the person I was reviewing hahahahaha. A kokyu (I think) is a guitar from north japan, also your right about the receptiveness of “the old man” thank ya.

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