Thank ya.
Poetry / old man (Analysis)
An old man with a harmonica,
walking aimlessly through Chinatown,
he watches silently,
as a young girl plays a kokyu,
he sits next to the young girl,
playing in harmony,
they are linked together for awhile,
in a language older than words,
an old man dies with a smile.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
evath reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
Wow. Powerful.
I know what a koto is but not a kokyu.
anyway, who cares.
The piece was gentle
employed economy of words.
Seemed like a waking meditation,in fact.
Like a haiku.
It was a naked piece
without much embellishment
and got to the very heart of the story.
And WHAT A WAY TO DIE!!!
That MUST be joy.
Do die playing music
with a smile on your face.
I loved this and commend you on your wonderful voice.
You are young but your talent comes from tapping into ancient wisdom.
I can only make 1 bit of criticism.
You repeat the words “the old man” too much in the piece
I think if you broke it up by saying “he watches silently” or “he sits down next to the young girl.
You are free to do as you choose, but other than that,
I would change absolutely nothing.
I expect great things from you now ;-)
Evangeline
- add/view comments (1)
nelson1 reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
I think I have some vision of this, but I’m not sure what a kokyu is, maybe and explaination in readers notes or as footnotes.
squating next to the young girl playing in tempo.
This line reads a bit awkward as I was expecting you to discribe the old man or something, tempo is speed, not sure if the word you’re looking for is harmony. I suggest he squats next to the young girl to start that line.
Other than that a nice vision of peace at the end of the road.
Dani_Newman reviewed Version 3 -
Read 100% of the Item
This is pretty good. It’s easy for the reader to visualize the old man and little girl playing together… very well written overall. You have talent and a lot of potential for someone so young.
jhmckeogh reviewed Version 3 -
Read 100% of the Item
I like the idea your getting across. Old and young interplay, it works. What i wanted, especially with the subject being music, was some more depth to the work. I wanted to hear the harmonica, or maybe the colors that the girl wears, or some other sense coming through entirely non-sound. Also, does the girl have to be described as young. Could you get the point across in some other descriptive way, without bulking up the text too much?
Pavel reviewed Version 3 -
Read 100% of the Item
What a fine little poem this is – the words seem almost melodic, to match the lovely scene you draw here. Nice job.
bluelily reviewed Version 3 -
Read 100% of the Item
This is very nice. What great contrast between the old man and the girl, opposites in so many ways: age, gender, him at first silent, her playing, he is wandering aimlessly, she has staked her position…but still musicians.
I like the simple language and how precisely the action is portrayed. This is elegant and concise.
The ending is nice, as though one final interaction of this sort was needed before he would say farewell and move on…
very nice. pretty.
Sharon reviewed Version 3 -
Read 100% of the Item
I picture him dead with a smile on his face, slumped over in the street next to the girl. They play music together, then he dies next to her? Maybe you mean that he dies later, I don’t know. The way it’s worded, he dies right then next to her. If that’s the case, it turns a pretty, peaceful beginning and middle into a much less pretty and peaceful end. I think I’d like it better if he just left her after a while with a smile on his face, content that he found someone to make music with for a little while. Not so grim.
djsquared reviewed Version 3 -
Read 100% of the Item
I get the sense that in playing music with and beside such an innocent young girl, the old man touched the divine in some way and was called home. It reads like one long sentence, which I find intriguing, yet I feel it breaks the rhythm a bit. You have painted a peaceful scene.
thepierunner reviewed Version 3 -
Read 100% of the Item
Serene melody. A very simplistic, harmonious combination of realism and imagination – music is the art of auditory communication.
kill_goose reviewed Version 3 -
Read 100%% of the Item
This 57 word review has not been unlocked.
Showing 1 - 10 of 15
Next →
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Item Stats
GENERAL
13 Reviews 7 Comments
Version 3
Latest Activity: about 1 year ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 18 Times
Skipped: 6 Times
Versions
| Version 3 | Version 2 (Deleted) | Version 1 (Deleted) |