Novel Treatments / Jesus & Me

When you put up a new version, make sure you put it in the Query Letter category. Insert your query letter before your 1st chapter. And you can put in your notes that this story is mature rated due to lots of profanity.

The DVD player and the laptop hit the pavement… Shorten this sentence; lots of ideas in one place.

Very, very deep. I liked the story very much as a whole. Intelligent, has a twist and is full of action. Your character has a lot of verve and is believable. The hard language is just that…hard to look at…but you got the point across. Wicked, wild, and true.

I loved the story concept, and the finding of Christ in the least expected place. I do think that word choice could be improved upon by cutting out some of the unnecessaries. The lines about the rain: “Loud, hard slaps.” Could be cut, I get the image and think it is unique, but don’t think it’s powerful enough to warrant repetition. I think this is a great start, but would benefit from a quick reread in which you cut some unnecessary words.

My big thing is words which aren’t working hard enough to justify their presence. (That, and bad spelling.)
“Never placed much faith in anything” – that last word adds nothing.
“When I met Jesus…” is good. You throw us into a new phase of the story in 4 words, but without it being a jolt.
  ”Fire Escape” – Nice detail
  If you have to ask yourself rhetorical questions to move the story on – Why – that is a bad sign.
  Explanation of gaffle is a bit long-winded… but others might see this as adding colour.
  ”Loud hard slaps” seems unnecessary. The default setting for slaps is ‘hard’, so you only have to qualify that word if you mean a soft-slap.
  ”With enough force to… rattle the glass” A missed opportunity to say something interesting.
  ”Like a bat out of hell” – Woahhh! That is a gold-plated cliche!
  Comparison with walking on water – I like that.
  ”gaffle bingo” – nice economy of words.
  Ten hard years of prison – Hard isn’t needed.

  Basically, I liked it, but it could be tightened up a bit.

Thanks for submitting this.  This is a very compelling start here.  I enjoyed the dialogue, the setting, the situation, the plot.  

Keep writing!

This is interesting, but there are a few problems. For example, you have a few oddly-worded sentences (‘the Christ’ could be just ‘Christ’ and it reads better, and a few sentence when you were explaining gaffle) and there are a few strange things going on with the stream-of-consciousness that can get annoying. It’s difficult to see inside of a person’s head, even harder to get into a strung-out head, but there was something not working for me with it—something was missing, it seemed. Maybe you could try to push a little more emotion in, or perhaps give the reader a bit more to go with.

There was also the story—it was very, very original, but I have a bit of trouble seeing what an entire church believes as the son of God robbing someone blind of their electronics. Maybe there will be an explanation for what happened, which was one of the main reasons I was confused.

Being an agnostic, I still found the idea to be interesting and workable, and I hope to see more from you.

IF you have any questions or comments, feel free to contact me.

you know, i was terrified that this wouldn’t work at all, that the central conceit was just too silly for words – but on reading i’m surprised to find that it does, and you haven’t bitten off more than you can chew.

that first line is supremely arresting, which is surely the thing. and you don’t really slack off from there, do you? the prose fizzes and sparks and is alive. narrative in the skaz tradition is rarely attempted, and even more rarely pulled off. get this right and you’ll be sitting up there alongside notes from underground and money. i suggest you read both. the voice, though is absolutely believable and very well sustained in its execution. i can hear it in my head and feel it down my neck – this, i think, is a mark of success.

a few stumbles here and there. you don’t need to capitalise after a colon. if you’re going to represent speech exactly i.e. fuckin’, for instance, then you must indicate elisions with an apostrophe. not to do so gives the impression that you think it’s the correct form. put space around em-rules as well – it’s just a little easier on the reader that way. it’s good form. is the word not “filipinos”? i always thought so.

my concern is that the messiah will simply be too beige and bland. if you can concentrate on this contrast and make it work, than i look forward to your results. i worry, though, that jesus christ is no good as a literary character: where’s the interest? where’s the conflict, etc? i think i trust you on this one, but i’m interested to see how you negotiate that particular hurdle. on that note, i suppose, i would suggest changing the title. i find ‘jesus and me’ grindingly banal. perhaps it’s an ironic gesture, but i’m not sure that it comes off. keep jesus and keep the streets, by all means, but you must stay on the right side of mawkish sentimentality and tawdry religiosity.

one last suggestion for reading material: i, lucifer by glen duncan. it does what you’re doing, but from the other side of the fence.

stick at this: it’s good stuff.

Freakin wow! This is the first thing I’ve reviewed on here, and it’s great. Like something I’d actually read if I saw in a store. I was kind of doubtful about this site, but this absolutely makes a believer out of me.
I have no reall suggestions about anything to change because I don’t see anything. My question is do you have an agent or a deal?
Very, very GOOD!
Bo

Damn, this is really good. Like something I’d actually read in a bookstore. The Jesus thing kind of made go “hmmmm” at first, but the writing was so good that I was drawn right in. Keep writing! I want to see how this turns out!

Very, very polished piece of writing. The most publishable piece I have seen on here so far. Keep up the awesome work! I look forward to reading more of this. Would buy the book if I read this in a book store!

This is a fascinating concept, nicely delivered.  The last few lines wind up with a terrific hook – it’s the sort of thing that would make me keep reading if I had this novel in my hands.

This can use some work.  You introduce us to a new word – gaffle – but the description feels excessively wordy.  I’d bet you can get the point across in about half the words.  And you need to tie it to something; it’s still ambiguous to me what the relationship is between the Christ guy and gaffle.   It’s a fine setup and a good way to start building a metaphor.  But you may want to consider tightening that part up.

Good imagery throughout; “locked like a pit bull’s jaws on a toddler’s throat” is just gorgeous for this setting.