Thanks. You’re right, about H’Gan being disconnected. He’s self absorbed, to the point he doesn’t think about much but himself.
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Mercy's Price Chapter 3
Anna had been most disappointed by the creature’s absence at the gathering. H’Gan could understand. Pietro had long vanished and she hadn’t yet found a new toy. She enjoyed playing with H’Gan’s Familiar whenever she could. If he weren’t working so hard to train the creature, he’d be tempted to loan it to her for a weekend. It was always so much more cooperative after its encounters with Anna. It was also completely useless.
H’Gan left the gathering early and drove home. He was startled to find that the condo was dark. He’d thought the creature disliked the darkness. It was always reluctant to go into any unlit room, he had to order it every single time. Still, it might be asleep somewhere. He hadn’t told it not to, so it was free to nap when it pleased. Lately, it had been sleeping often.
He turned on the light in the entryway and dropped his coat on the floor. The creature could pick it up later. That was its job, after all. He’d only given it two basic standing orders: keep the place clean and prepare two meals a day. The way it complained, one would think he’s assigned it the tasks of Hercules.
He went into the living room and turned on the light there, expecting to see the creature curled up on the couch. It wasn’t. He looked around, figuring it had erred on the side of safety after annoying him so much and slept on the floor. No, it wasn’t in sight.
He checked every room and closet in the condo. There was no sign of the creature, and no sign it had been there since they left that afternoon.
Surely it didn’t try to run away, he thought.
He decided to drive around some. It was possible the creature had just decided to take its own sweet time walking home. It had been hours, but it could certainly drag its feet when it wanted. He’d likely find it on the side of the road, somewhere between where he left it and the condo, watching the night sky. For some unfathomable reason the thing kept its eyes locked on the sky every single time it was outdoors.
Maybe there wasn’t a sky wherever these creatures came from. It was an interesting thought, which kept H’Gan occupied for most of the drive. Not one of the wizard’s journals had so much as hinted at where the Familiars came from or what that place was like.
It’s probably horrible, if they’re willing to come here and serve, H’Gan thought. Then again, maybe it wasn’t. Maybe the wizards forced the Familiars to leave their home planes. H’Gan didn’t know, as he hadn’t Summoned the creature. He’d had to obtain it through mundane, if barely legal, means. That meant his control over the creature was tenuous at best. It also meant he had to be wary around it. After all, his death was the only thing between the Familiar and its home Realm. It had already tried to kill him once.
H’Gan passed two vagrants and a broken down minivan. He did not see his wayward Familiar. He drove the route twice, just to be certain. He even took a few side roads, just in case the creature had managed to get lost. He supposed it was possible. Finally he went back to the photographer’s house where they’d had the gathering. They’d been closer to that house than to the condo, and the Familiar knew where it was. Likely the idiot creature had followed its master instead of going home as ordered.
He knocked on the photographer’s door. Michael answered in the calf-length sleeping shirt he insisted was a proper mystic’s robe. H’Gan never disabused him of the notion because it was so amusing.
Michael’s eyes widened at the sight of H’Gan.
“Look, H’Gan, Anna and I aren’t like that, really!” he yelped, “She just had a little much to drink and I said she could stay and…”
“Oh, is Anna still here?” H’Gan asked, interrupting the babble. What did he care?
“Um, yes?” Michael tilted his head. “Isn’t that why you’re here?”
“No.” H’Gan didn’t bother to say any more. If the creature were here, Michael would have mentioned it.
He nodded a greeting over the photographer’s shoulder to his wife and turned on his heel to leave.
The creature wasn’t here, it wasn’t at the condo, and he hadn’t seen it on the road. Where could it be? He’d ordered it to go home. Or had he?
“If you want to go home so badly, then you can walk.”
Those had been H’Gan’s exact words to the creature. It had been annoying him the entire drive. Apparently it did not want to go to the gathering of H’Gan’s friends. Apparently it disliked the attention it received. Its constant pleading had driven H’Gan into a fit of temper that left the creature on the side of the road.
Those words hadn’t been a direct order. He hadn’t told it to go home, only implied it. Implication was not an order, and could be ignored if the creature chose. Clearly it had. It had taken the opportunity to run.
H’Gan returned to his condo in a haze of fury. How could he have been so clumsy? How could the creature have been so stubborn? Now he was going to have to expend precious resources to find it before it died of energy loss. It should have come crawling back to him begging for the magic it lived off of by now. The fact that it hadn’t meant that it couldn’t. It had probably run as far as it could manage, and then collapsed in a dark corner somewhere.
H’Gan sighed and bypassed his exercise room, where he would normally work out his frustrations. Instead he went straight to his workroom to begin the spells that would allow him to locate his Familiar. He was going to have a very long night.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
hellbunny reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Somehow, I missed the 2nd chapter, but I read it before continuing with the third chapter. You are a fantastic story teller. You can stick with a single POV so easily and still show us so much of what is going on with the other characters. You have characterized H’Gan very well. His narcisism is very evident with everything he says and does. I like the way you drew out his thinking process until he reached the conclusion of his carelessness. I’ll make sure I don’t miss the fourth chapter.
- add/view comments (1)
zoffster1 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I like the premise of the story, but I think the execution could still use some work, at least this part (haven’t read the other chapters yet).
For me the problem lies in that the whole section feels somewhat clinical, with H’Gan lacking human quality. Unless that is what you are aiming for, H’gan feels somewhat alien, disconnected.
The two italicised thoughts seem slightly lost in the passage. In the fiction I’ve read characters who think to themselves tend to do so regularly, whereas these seem somewhat sporadic. The second also seems somewhat out of character for H’Gan. For most of the passage he seems to consider the familiar as an object to serve him, yet for that one thought he seems to consider it as something which would have feelings.
Lastly, I’d just be aware of starting sentences with ‘He’. You seem to do it very often and it makes reading slightly awkward.
I think this could be good if it was fleshed out more.
Tddizz reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
The first paragraph flows as the rest of the piece does.
Showing that he might care about something or someone other
than himself is subtle and a great set up for the next section.
The message is powerful as it is profound
A great timesless theme
Yet still full of hope and the work shows great promise.
Can’t wait to see the rest,
robertryburn reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Great read and your feel are in your words as if you have been there done that. I admire originality and you have some great originality from what I can read.
Remember the who,what,when,where,why,how and feel in your paragraphs as each word sentence and paragraph should tell a story.
Good luck and keep writing.
ErnestCooper reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I like the story of H’Gan and his missing Creature. I would like to read on to find out what really happened to the creature and if it was ever found. Some things is the story was not too clear like the creature tried to kill him once or twice before, why whould he let his creepy creature Familiar prepare his food.
DeadEdward reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
So a familiar can kill his master…. Shouldn’t be there a protection for the master since they are beings of magic? I dunno if i have this amazing being from another plane of existence in my place… i’d like to know i am save. Either way again fun to read… and slowly the story begins to unravel itself. So H’gan is no actual wizard… but he “bought” his familiar… He looked for so long just to gain info about familiars… and then he can claim one… shouldn’t there be any records about familiars with wings if he can achieve one?.
revanwithin reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I must have missed a chapter of this, what with the holidays and being sick, and I am going to have to back track and find the second chapter. I really like this story and the imagination behind it. This is quite interesting, and I can’t wait to see how Claire and Ryu and H’Gan come together. Actually it’s a good thing I stopped to read your comments and rummage through my memories. I was about to look quite stupid! Good job over all.
dragonkiller07 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
This is very good. You’ve worked out the italics kinks from before. I REALLY want to read the rest of this. I wish I could be more critical, but I can’t really see any glaring problems. I read it all the way through and despite missing parts between the prologue and this it was entertaining. Maybe my coffee is kicking in, but I really liked this.
Showing 1 - 8 of 8
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Item Stats
GENERAL
8 Reviews 8 Comments
Version 1
Latest Activity: about 1 year ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 195 Times
Skipped: 4 Times
Ratings & Rankings
