Poetry / MMX-CPN
The hills and valleys of the Swedish countryside are sprinkled with houses, browns, yellows, reds interrupt the rolling bands of pine, björk, ash, elm. Thunderheads are positioned in the sky looking like cone less ice creams, dripping drops as we pass under, the tops resemble the castles of heaven, castles worthy of your Virgin Mary, castles worthy of your Jesus.
Almonds are beautiful, papery dry brown, milky moist whiteness, speared sweet salty enjoyment. A gentler edible magma, perfect cleavage, dances around in my mouth, until we stop- almonds are beautiful, passing under castles worthy of your Virgin Mary, castles worthy of your Jesus.
Jesus is laying in a park, mangled like a G.I Joe, but he’s not dead nor plastic…he’s living, breathing, sleeping the blissful sleep among the trumpet of elephants and the birds with Bombay tongues- your Jesus, mangled. Your Jesus, sleeping.
We’re on safari in Kristiania- I’m trying to save the slugs on that path that people say “hej” on, but I can’t stop the crew from trekking. Blue pony tails hang from branches, jealous nettles sting, “my imagination will feed my hungry heart” glitters in air, this moment is ripe for a kiss. There are too many, I can’t watch them suffer, not when I know I could have done something more, I decide not to look down anymore.
I’m a whirling whirlwind, the tone becomes soft deep slow sultry grey blå, I wish I had someone to dance with, kiss with. Noisy smiles and gentle looks rule the moment,
Ask me.
Det finns a quiet dance, a boarding time and the wheat fields, who decide to wave good-bye to us, I wave back.
Farvel.
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I am not sure I understand what vision you would like me to live in while reading. I begin to create a vision, and the words move in a new direction, frustrating. My world shatters and I try and recreate a new world based on your new words. I feel like you are just trying to misdirect the reader from the true meaning, what ever it may be. If this piece was longer it could encompass each of the ideas you want to incorporate. That would lend room to elaborate, and transition from one thought to the next, but keep the feel of a poem.
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Maybe short story or flash would be a little better place for this?
This is a little unconnected. When hopping from part to part, there is no thread to help make this into a coherent piece.
You make the effort to use bla and document why, but also tuck in blue? Why use the other terms at all? I don’t see the need or connection – unless it is just to show that you can use them.
Punctuation is an issue as well. There are missing and extra commas and run-on sentences.
This has a brilliant feel, little conversational images, that i really enjoyed. Especially the second stanza, which is pretty much perfect. One of the most creative peoms I’ve come across on Urbis.
The safari in Kristiania didn’t seem to mean anything to me; the images are maybe too random and the tone isn’t so constant as the other parts.
I’m not sure the ‘Det finns’ was really necessary, nouns and speech is a good area for foriegn language words to be used. However, since I (and probably most of your english-reading audience) don’t know how to pronounce the language normal text doesn’t gain from this, it just ends up kind of confusing.
Also, I feel, the poetry would definately gain from being broken into more defined lines, just so the rhythm is more accessible.
Great Stuff
Josh
Extremely visual. The imagery was both seductive and secretive. Feels like you were whispering the answers to great mysteries – but to understand you have to lean in and listen close. A couple of things that may (or may not) matter – cone less could be one word and dripping drops seemed redundant. What if you took drops out all together?
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