Poetry / The view (Analysis)

the imagery was very good in this. I found there were no breaks in how it read for me, your tone is very even and clear. my only suggestion is that the topic is not as clear as it could be. I got two topics, one of the nature scene around you and two is the feeling of boating and almost a power over nature…not sure if it was what was meant though.

I though this conjured a landscape and the sensation of being in a boat very nicely.  the language and metaphor is both interesting and gently evocative.  The rhythm seemed fine to me.  The idea itself is where I;d have a quibble, if any.  Its got no sense of the unexpected or sudden depth, which would lift this from good to great; but I guess that’s only going to come along once in a while…

Firstly, your piece impressed me quite a bit. The feeling captured some of my own experiences when alone and in quiet thought, perhaps even while a bit melodramatic thoughts.

Secondly, I wouldn’t change much about it as you have a good deal of very fitting imagery here without overdoing it. Particularly loved “Thought ripple outward”, and the sixth stanza “that pierce reflections.” It’s as though the person in the boat has cast his or her cares upon the water until all is worked out in the mind and the “silt finally settles”

The only thing I would change is to drop the word “a” before “wooden hull” to improve the flow.

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January 16, 2008

by divya

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
49	77.8% (9 votes)	18.7%

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25	M	Gainesville, FL	July 10

I think you’re the first person to hit the nail on the head. thanks.
and i have fought with that wooden hull line for better flow. I’ll try ex-ing the ‘a’. thanks again.

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This made me see exactly what you said. The imagery is really good. I love how you start out. I have been in the middle of a lake in a canoe before and it made me see some of the best times like this. Also the feel of having the power over my own boat came back to me. Great job.

I love poems that refer to water. Usually when most people write about water it’s peaceful. Your poem is peaceful as well but I love the fourth and fifth stanza where it takes a sort of twist and begins to rain. Your last stanza was beautiful.

like how you start this piece off with exactly where you are at (located).  It is kind of nice to know where you’re at as you ease me into the description of what happens next.

I connect boats to fishing (and I love to fish).  Even though this is YOUR experience, I picture you mainly being nostalgic as you take it easy in the middle of a peaceful lake surrounded by beautiful scenery.  You are soaking in every detail and locking it away for future recollection.

To me this mainly reads as you saving this beautiful landscape into your memory.  I could go out on a limb and say that philosophically this has to do with moving forward in your life (boat moving forward and creating a wake) and you are remembering people, places and memories as you navigate through different chapters/years of your life (ripples in the water, dull thud on the wooden hull).  It is hard for me to wander down the philosophical road because it just doesn’t seem to have enough darkness in its content.

Regardless, it reads and flows well.  I mainly pictured exactly what you described in the text.

I like it!

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January 03, 2008

by divya

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
49	77.8% (9 votes)	18.7%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
25	M	Gainesville, FL	July 10

i think you are spot on. there is a slight under-current, but is mostly just appreciating serene beauty. thanks for the review. anything you might change?

January 03, 2008

by moochie502

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30	M	Castle Rock, CO	July 28

No.  Leave it and just keep on writing.  It’s finished in my opinion.

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I liked some of it; I think you should make some revisions.
First stanza: The word complete is unnecessary. “My” buoyancy sounds kind of weird for some reason.
Second stanza: I like it.
Third stanza: How can sun “shade” anything? Maybe “colors” instead? “Ever forward” and “demanding progress” sound pompous.
Fifth stanza: Lose “incredible.”
Sixth stanza: I like it.
Last stanza: How can you be high in a pine when you are in a boat on a lake? It sounds like it’s from a different poem.

I really liked this. Flow is superb – I know you wanted the last two stanzas to be haiku, however I think if you move the I dip the oar stanza last, it finished the poem on a stronger note. Beautiful!