Sean, thanks for the review. And I think your right about the present tense. I’ll have to fix it.
Poetry / The Birds (Re-worked)
1-10-06
A tree,
Alive with masses,
Of birds,
They sang with life,
Of death,
Their evil gazes,
Of hate,
They remind me,
Of you,
Their squawks sound like your screams,
Of rage,
They make me sick,
Like a revulsion,
With their craned necks,they eye me,
With anger,
Like you with,
Your distrust,
They finally flew away,
Like me.
Carie
Jones
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midearthseeker reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked it a lot. The one word replies (of __)really call attention to the emotions.
I would only change the punctuation. Use some periods, it’s a huge run on sentance. I also would put a break between,
“They remind me,
Of you,”
and
“Their squawks sound like your screams,
Of rage,”
I enjoyed it.
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Aachen reviewed Version 1 -
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I presume the “1-10-06” and “Carie/Jones” are not part of the poem. Visually, I think that the lines have some interesting attributes-I’ve become a fan of minimal-feet lines over the last year or so. However, I’d say you should reconsider the punctuation: Many of the pauses seem inappropriate and break up the rhythm of the piece. Also, varying up the punctuation may give more visual clues to the reader about relating the statements to each other.
I’d suggest more concrete imagery, more description-what kind of birds, what does the tree look like? And their song, try to conjure it for the reader. In lines five-six, I’m not sure I understand how they ”...sang with life,/Of death.” Are you meaning that the birds were alive, and their song called to mind death?
Lines seven and eight seem too ambiguous. Why are these gazes evil? Merely telling the reader this doesn’t help to build a rapport. Perhaps, again, a concrete would be of benefit here.
In line thirteen, I don’t understand the metaphor-what is like a revulsion? Again, cleaning up the punctuation may help to relate one line to the next more definitely. I do like the “craned necks” of line fourteen; this certainly puts an image in my mind.
One thing to consider is reworking to remove the direct reference to a third party. The blatant interjection of this third party, to me, doesn’t really seem to work. I think that a subtle indication that the birds are a metaphor for your third party would come off better.
In the final two lines, this inverts. The birds suddenly become similar to you-I also am at a loss here. Throughout the poem you build up a relationship between the flock and the “other.” I’d suggest a different way of closing this, since the current reading seems just too jarring.
Sean_Allen reviewed Version 1 -
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Great poem. I normally write critiques that are significantly longer than this one is going to be, but usually I can find more faults in poems. The only problem I can see (and this isn’t necessarily a problem) is in the line:
“They sang with life”
In the rest of your poem, the birds all act in the present tense, and so it would appear that it should read “They sing with life”. I suppose in the end that is really up to you, though. Good work on this poem.
aikia reviewed Version 1 -
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I find the rhythm too repetitive here. It distracts me from the content. The unnecessary commas do me in. But I do sense there is something underneath it you could pull out.
Sinner26 reviewed Version 1 -
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I like this poem and meaning behind it. The fact that there is no rhyming helps pound the meaning into the reader and gives the poem a more sinister feeling. I also like how it is the birds that remind you of the person, I very rarely see birds being used in such a way. I’m sure if you tried you would be able to elongate this poem without sacrificing any of the poems original greatness. Excellent work please keep it up.
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