Thanks. My intention was simply to amuse, though. Glad you enjoyed it!
Journal, Diary, & Blogging / Warning - This Article May Increase Stupidity
Since September of 1997, when an unsuspecting woman found out that coffee was, in fact, hot, this country has been riddled with lawsuits, some more valid than others. In response to this legal mania, companies have been forced to put an increasing number of warning labels on their products, to keep themselves safe from suit. However, I am beginning to think they have gone a bit overboard.
The idea for this article began when we moved into a new house, with a new kitchen range. While baking a cake one day, shortly after moving in, I noticed a warning label on the oven door. Curious, I began to read.
Most of it was fairly straightforward – at least, in today’s day and age.
Caution: Hot. (Really?)
Always close door when utilizing oven. (I’ve always found things cook better that way.)
Do not use as a heater. (Why would I?)
And then, at the bottom, the most inexplicable warning yet.
Do not place small children on open oven door when oven is in use.
My initial thought was – Huh? This was closely followed by – What kind of idiot needs this information?
The answer? Plenty of idiots. A little research later on that night informed me that between 1995 and 2005, twelve children have been burned while lounging on a hot oven door. Personally, I blame the parents.
This information sent me on a search for other warnings. I wondered if Magic Chef was the only company to place seemingly obvious warnings on their products. I was curious.
I was not disappointed.
What follows is real warnings on real products. Wherever possible, I have given you the accurate brand name, and I quote the warnings verbatim. I have also added my own little thoughts and opinions – you will find these in parenthesis.
On a bottle of Moet White Star Champagne: Warning – remove label before placing in microwave. (Why are you putting champagne in the microwave? And why is there NOT a warning to open the bottle before PLACING in the microwave?)
Sainsburys Mineral Water: Suitable for vegetarians. (Oh, good. Because I was concerned that mineral water might be infused with, say, cow’s blood).
Volvic Natural Mineral Water: Bottle exclusively designed for the use of Volvic Natural Mineral Water. Do not refill. (Because…why?)
On my son’s Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (Damn. I was going to take him downtown and let him jump off the courthouse. Ruined MY Halloween).
Unknown Graduation Gown: Do not wash or dry clean. (Then what SHOULD I do? Sacrifice a goat to the cleanliness gods and hope they take care of it for me?)
Packard Bell Computer: Keyboard not detected. Press any key. (How do you get past this one?)
Unknown Vacuum Cleaner: 1. Do not use to pick up gasoline or flammable liquids. 2. Do not use to pick up anything that is currently burning. (So vacuuming up the flaming hot oil is out of the question, huh?)
Unknown Japanese Food Processor: Not to be used for anything else. (Like…what?)
Unknown Blow Dryer: Do not use while sleeping. (And how would I know if I was?)
LG Air Conditioner: Caution – Avoid dropping air conditioners out of windows. (But what if I REALLY don’t like my downstairs neighbors?)
Demazin Infant Drops: This formula may cause drowsiness. If affected, do not operate heavy machinery or drive a vehicle. (If your infant is driving a bulldozer, you’ve got bigger problems than a little drowsiness).
Unknown Hair Coloring: Do not use as an ice cream topping. (But it SAYS Black Cherry right on it!)
Mentadent Dual Action Mouthwash: If an amount considerably larger than being used is swallowed, seek professional assistance or contact a poison control center immediately. (How do you swallow an amount larger than that which you’re using?)
Unknown Wheelbarrow: Do not use where temperature exceeds 140 Fahrenheit. (Like where? Hell?)
Roll-A-Hose: Warning. May cause cancer in California. (Whew. I live in Oregon. Dodged the bullet on that one, didn’t I?)
And then, there are the signs, which I assume must be posted for some legal reason or another, no matter how vague.
Boyne Falls, Michigan, U.S. 131 – Do not pass while opposing traffic present. (If you need to be reminded of this, please don’t drive.)
Road Sign, Somewhere in Arizona (Emailed to me by a friend attending ASU): Secret Nuclear Bunker Ahead. (Not so secret anymore now, is it, Sonny Jim?)
Lime Kiln Park, Grafton, WI: Soccer not allowed. Soccer may only be played in archery range. (If that’s not population control, then I don’t know what is).
The most disturbing fact about this is simply that someone, somewhere, had to do something pretty damn stupid to necessitate these warnings. I worry, not only for our current generation, who seem to revel in their blatant stupidity, but for their offspring, who may very well be responsible for the decimation of the entire human race.
For now, however, the world remains on solid, if somewhat icy, footing, and we should all be okay – as long as everyone remembers that BettaMin fish food is not for human consumption, and that you should never attempt to stop a chainsaw with your hands.
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Lotty reviewed Version 1 -
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Full marks, ten out of ten! LOVED loved loved this! this is exactly my kind of style and stuff i like to read! The world is becoming fraught with stupid people, especially stupid people who are hellbent on abusing household appliances!! i remember one time a friend bought a lawnmower and it said dnt use whilst intoxicated…i mean who’d use it intoxicated?! insane!!
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katesloan reviewed Version 1 -
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Haha, you have a fantastically witty & intelligent writing voice here. I agree with you, these warnings are ridiculous (my favorite is the Superman costume). Great concept for an article; I could definitely see this being published in a humour magazine.
nelson1 reviewed Version 1 -
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This should be in humour and satire, LMAO. It was very funny and certainly warmed my heart. This was one of the few where I’d of given a ten for publishing, seriously.
People must sue for really stupid reasons. This culture needs controlled, I know I used to work for the NHS. And I recon the staff there could tell you a few stories, like wine bottles stuck in bodily orifices, I’m still waiting for someone to publish a warning saying do not place this bottle in rectum or vagina. LOL.
Really loved the Packard bell one
I can’t really believe that kids could sit on the oven door without parents noticing. I loved this. Your comments at the end of each also contributed well to the humour. Every-one was funny.
quaintfungus reviewed Version 1 -
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A highly entertaining read. It’s like Darwins theories on natural selection have come to life. There is definately something weird going on out there.
Does the superman outfit warning really exist? No one could be that stupid surely.
You really look like you have done your research on this one. Nice piece made me laugh.
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