THANK YOU!
Short Story / wierd fishes
After months, maybe years, perhaps a lifetime of not uttering the faintest sound, not even to talk to herself, alone, not even to hum in the bath, not even to clear her throat, she sneezed and startled herself. It occurred to her in that moment that nothing had occurred to her in as long as she could remember. No wait, she couldn’t remember anything. The thoughts of non memory were so pronounced that they echoed in her mind.
“What the Fuck!?” she muttered aloud, barely audible enough to hear it herself. She was struck with the sound of her own voice, groggy, as though she’d just woken from a heavy and necessary sleep, yet sweet. “Is this REALLY what I SOUND like?” Louder and more annunciated this time. She cleared her throat and looked around the space that she occupied. She smirked, taken with her own sound.
A well worn plank wooden floor stretched out fifty feet at least in each direction from where she sat, perfectly upright, legs folded, hands on her knees, in the center of the room. The lighting was all artificial and inadequate from her vantage point to fully drink in her surroundings. There were shadows at the horizon of her view in all directions.
Looking up at the only light source in the room, she was amused to see that she was sitting directly below a glowing blueish redish greenish purply bird nearly the size of her own head about 10 feet above her. The bird’s wings were spread in flight. It appeared to be stained glass and was lit from within. A cone of beautiful soft colored light shone onto the floor casting a circle of clarity that barely illuminated all of her body as she lay now, spread-eagle beneath it, smiling innocently. The birds eyes, wing tips, and tail had small holes in them which emitted beams of white light in four directions. Above the bird, a similar cone shone upwards illuminating only the electrical cord that both provided power and support to the bird. She could see fifteen, maybe 20 feet of the cord before it faded into the black that was dominant in her field of vision.
She shuddered. The cord’s fading into black conjured the thought of an anchor line disappearing into the abyss. She remembered being frightened to a frozen muted scream while scuba diving. Just after the sun had disappeared beyond the horizon, and with only 20 minutes left in her reserves, it was time to head back to the boat. All the others in the dive party had already surfaced, including her dive buddy who’d had an equipment issue moments into the dive and had not retuned to the water.
Moments earlier she swam away form the dive line to catch up with a school of incredible luminescent little weird fishes. Swimming among them felt like a wildly lucid fantasy dream. It was as if she was floating among the stars, stars that followed her movements and made trails in the wake of her movements.
With the sun setting past twilight, and no moon this particular evening, the water had gone from crystalline blue to nearly black in a matter of minutes. After snapping a few photos with thousands of these incredible little creatures, she turned to swim back to the dive line and realized immediately that she had no idea how far she swam with the school or what direction from her relative bearing the dive line would be. In that moment, hundreds of feet below the surface, reserves running low, her body and mind were invaded by an all encompassing panic and despair like she’d never known. In a fit of tensing muscles and emotional convulsion, she knocked her mask with her forearm, breaking the seal. Before she could reseat the mask, it had filled up to just below her eyes. Eyes stinging and hyperventilating now, she closed her eyes and tried to recall the feeling of swimming through the stars. She heard her own voice whisper very calmly, “just float. think about it. You haven’t found what you didn’t know you were looking for.”
She fumbled for her small flashlight and found the battery to be fading fast and the light emitted to be weak, only illuminating a few feet in front of her at best. She began again to flail about as her panic deepened and she tumbled in the water. In the midst of her fit she bumped the trigger of her camera, setting off the flash. She caught a glimpse of the dive line only 10 or so feet to the left of her position. Quickly swimming to the line, she realized that had no idea which end was up. Using the waning life of the battery, she shone the light up the 5 or so feet of rope that were visible before it disappeared into black. No bubbles. She inverted herself and repeated the same procedure. Just as the light faded out for good, she saw the blessed, life affirming, fate securing, most beautiful bubbles ever floating to the surface.
Shaking off the memory and the involuntary physical reaction that accompanied it, she stood up. Having been oblivious to it’s constant alarm at even three minute intervals, she heard the faint beep for the first time.
Moving cautiously outside the circle of light, her eyes began to adjust to the darkness and she could make out a couch, a series of pillars running the length of the room, evenly spaced and in two rows, and the silhouette of a tree. Following one row of pillars, she made it to a wall and began to feel around for a light switch. Instead she found her hands on soft cloth, the edges of which were taped to the wall and the underside of which was freezing cold. Shocked by the sudden change of temperature in her hands, she drew them both back and to her face.
A faint light was shining through the material. Peeling enough tape to reveal significant light coming from beneath, she took hold of the edge of the fabric and with two solid tugs, it floated to the floor revealing a sight that made her gasp. It was as if she were seeing the lights of Manhattan for the first time.
“Beep” – closer now.
Her scan moved from left to right taking in the Brooklyn and Manhattan Bridges at eye level, and down at large shipping vessels and smaller boats on the river, and the glorious, ridiculous, awesomeness of New York City. She was familiar. Of course, she was home.
“Beep”
Shifting her focus back indoors, she could now see a much larger portion of the enormous loft. She worked her way around the perimeter of the space tearing down tapestry after sheet, after blanket, after patchwork of cardboard boxes that covered a total of 16 enormous windows on 3 walls of the loft. The entirety of the space was now visible and the city’s lights revealed an enormous open room with 30 foot beamed ceilings all of its contents slid to the perimeter.
The moon hung low and full over the city, one more in this spectacle of lights.
“Beep” Of course. It was her answering machine.
Walking over to the desk that supported the machine she began to hum the melody of a tune that was suddenly stuck in her head. Pitch perfect, she started to sing the song, a love letter in music form and an odd one. ”I’ll follow you down…” her voice trailed off. ”Ill follow…” this time higher and deeper – in pitch and emotion.
“I can really sing!” Then at full volume, and with the honed precision of a master, she wailed the chorus of the song paying homage to its beauty and her own.
“I really can! I really can sing”
She pushed the blinking red button and listened as the machined clicked, beeped and spoke:
“You have one new message and twenty-six saved messages. New message, received yesterday at 1:43 AM.”
“Hi. I um, I know it’s late and I am sorry if I am waking you, uh, it’s me by the way..I guess you’d have figured that out. Have I ever mentioned that I hate leaving messages? OK, well, here goes…I HAD to call because that kiss, it changed my life. I don’t mean to sound like a psycho, but I totally am right now, so I am accepting it. I have never, ever, in my life felt so alive, so full of love. I think I have grown an inch or two since you walked away tonight. I am 30 years old! I am DONE growing right? Nope – TALLER! And speaking of walking away. I could hear you singinging once you turned the corner. I had no idea that you had such an amazing voice. Holy shit! Not shit, I mean, wow. Will will sing for me? _ I am rambling now….see what I mean about leaving messages. Anyway. I guess what i am saying is….............I love…...I loved tonight…....and….....that kiss, my god….....and….......I love YOU. Ok bye.” click.
She reached down, a satisfied smirk on her face, and touched the machine.
“replay message”
She closed her eyes.
“Hi, I um, I know it’s late and…........”
Everything came back to her in an instant and she began to float.
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samfreely reviewed Version 1 -
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RhapsodyRead reviewed Version 1 -
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This is an interesting and confusing story. You draw beautiful images during the scuba diving scene, but the switches between that and the apartment are jarring and caused me to lose track of the story. I don’t quite understand why she wasn’t talking in the beginning, and why she seemed to closet herself from the world by blocking the windows.
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quaintfungus reviewed Version 1 -
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I have mixed fellings about this piece. It is well written and I admire the ‘tabla rasa’ beginning. The effect of the woman returning to consiousness and the lost diver coming up for air is very strong indeed. I think the dive part was the strongest section of the story.
I was a little disconserted by the passage wherein she woke up under the light yet could see the cord. I know this is me being pedantic but I had to think about it which took me out of the story. I like the way you use the cord to remember the anchor chain-very cinematic.
Similarly the phrase ‘blueish redish greenish purply bird’ jarred a little
The effect you used to bring the story to life is very theatrical. I almost felt that i was in the audience watching a play. Nice touch to reveal the skyline.
I felt a little divorced from the ending. Maybe I expected more after a great start.
divya reviewed Version 1 -
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“She remembered being frightened to a frozen muted scream while scuba diving.” – to the point of a frozen muted scream…? frightened by a frozen muted…?
good story. I especially liked the blank-slate intro. This is a good way to start a love story, showing how love can punch the restart button on life. I liked the scuba bit and how it played with the idea of being so distracted (by the fairy tales in life) that she forgot her oxygen lifeline.
i guess it is sort of unclear to me, however, why her apt. in Manhattan had things up covering the windows, and only the bird lamp was on, and why was she under it in the dark? Everything connected for me except when we were showed her present reality, it felt disjointed. She just met this guy, she fell in love, and sat in the dark? fainted? were the window coverings up before this or after?
I like the story a lot, these details are just nagging me a bit.
avedis reviewed Version 1 -
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This story has really great potential, and I like the way you slowly lead us to exactly why she has changed. Great. You also have a great visual eye and ways of describing things.
However,as it stands it is hard going – mainly because your sentences, on the whole, can be very clumsy.
Starting with your first few sentences, these are your chance to capture us, so they more than any other have to be perfect.
So, an example of a re-write;
Changing this section;
“After months…. echoed in her mind.”
To this;
“After months, years, perhaps her whole life, she had not made the faintest sound; no talking to herself, no humming in the bath, even silently clearing her throat. Then, she sneezed and it startled her. It occurred to her in that moment, nothing remarkable had ever happened to her, nothing that had stood out, not for as long as she could remember.”
You need to do the same with many of your other sentences.
This is not something that will defeat you, practice will make perfect.
A few examples;
e.g
“she muttered aloud, barely audible enough to hear it herself.”
Try
“she muttered aloud, barely audible, not even to her.”
And the follow on;
“Even this slight noise, her own voice, it shocked her. It had been indistinct, as though from someone barely awake, yet she was struck with how sweet it sounded.”
Throughout this piece, look at each sentence, is it clear, does it flow well, could you do better?
I’d like to see this polished, it will be very good.
lovescreature reviewed Version 1 -
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Thank you for this escape this morning. Outstanding write. I do have to say that I would like to read more. I think that this could be a novel. You captured my attention from the very first line and kept it until the very end. It’s hard to do that. I love that you incorporated her lack of senses (hearing and sight) for some time, and then gave her true appreciation of them and even the reality of her voice sounding strange to her at first . Also, you mentioned the bioluminescence that one may find in such places like Puerto Rico or deep sea diving. I think that readers may want to read more about the majesty of that experience. You described it perfectly. I have experienced those lights and it truly was fantastic. This was entertaining, down to earth, and gave some mystery during the read. Well done. I want more.
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