Deep in the California desert trouble was a-brewing.
The merciless pygmy, Ming-Vase the merciless (he was nicknamed after his character trait) was hatching an evil and disturbing plot. Funnily enough the plot of this story follows his evil and disturbing plot (give or take the odd rambling tangent.)
However, we begin the tale sometime ago, in the summer of 1933. King Kong had claimed the Empire state building (scaling higher than the official viewing platform!) and tensions in Europe were at breaking point. The Great Depression was swamping all in its midst. These were dark times for mankind, dark and frightening.
No-one was suffering more so than a happy little pygmy called John.
John was around 30 years old and about 3 feet tall. He’d been out of work since the advent of animation and the lack of money had forced pygmy actors out of Hollywood.
Of course Universal kept on the oldest and wisest of the pygmy actor, Thomas Cruise I.
John fumed. It had been 7 months since his itty bitty little body had been thrown out of Hollywood. Food was scarce and his (short but normal size) wife was desperate- gastronomically and sexually.
After yet another day failing to find work John came home to a sickening squeal.
’’aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagggggg’’ came the aforementioned squeal.
It was a fairly erotic squeal. A groan of painful pleasure. John recognised it as the unmistakable sound of his wife in a state of sexual arousal.
‘But my pygmy penis is in my itty bitty underpanties’ thought John ‘so what could be inside my beautiful wife to make her squeal so?’
Obviously this is still 1933, so we can’t be too graphic, but essentially Thomas Cruise I had his own fun size head buried in Mrs Johns (tight, but otherwise normal) vagina and his fingers deep in her (tighter than average) poop shoot.
Suffice to say, John was furious. He stormed out. The anger would soon turn to wrath…
Everywhere the normal sized people were making a mockery of the pygmy race. These poor pygmies were probably the most persecuted race during the 30’s…
John saw red, he’d had enough of this 6ft prejudice. He took action.
On 31st November 1933 John Wallis, 30, a pygmy actor from Oakland, California retreated to the Mojave desert.
John found cold, solitude and a normal size cave (which was actually smaller than average.)
After a week his water had run out. He was hallucinating. He built little clay/sand pygmies, hour after hour, day after day. Thousands of these pygmy sculptures scattered across the Mojave desert.
A month had gone, Christmas had passed and after 31 days of feasting off insects John Wallis was thin and weak. Finally on January 2nd 1934 John Wallis collapsed and a sand storm soon enveloped his tiny, miniscule body.
On planet Gong, 5,000, 000, 000, 987, 662, 333, 666, 000, 004.018 miles from Earth, an army of Gongites (who, in appearance, looked like the blue skinned love children of Jimi Hendrix, Mick Jagger and the concept of gravity and obviously they had antannae, they are, after all, aliens) were preapring to take over Earth. This is ironic, as, had they succeded we would have been spared the holocaust. Then again we’d all be homosexual, intergalatic sex slaves being force fed alien cock like chickens are force fed corn.
But what stopped this terrible invasion?! Will Smith? The Good doctor?
Only John Wallis, the 3ft wonder and his sculpted pygmy army!
It scared the Gongites away. (conviniently for plot development thay had attempted to stage a landing in the Mojave desert, but at least when it goes down in their history books it won’t look as ridiculous as ‘The Bay Of Pigs’- although ‘the Bay of Pygmies’ has quite a good pun-like ring to it.)
*
Dr Frank Desmond had taken his young lab assistant, the unfortunatley but accurately named Mary Suckalott into the desert to research climate change. Desmond also had high hopes of conducting further research of Miss Suckalott’s body.
Dr Desmond lay in the hot sand. He closed his eyes tight and waited.
‘This is it’ thought the doctor. He felt two small hands clasping his face.
The hands slowly removed Desmonds clothes. He could hear her groan. He groaned himself. He couldn’t resist opening his eyes. He gasped. It was the last thing he ever saw…
Across the desert Mary Suckalott was just waking up. All she could see for miles around was bright blue sky and orange pygmy sculptures. She struggled to get up. She was tied down. Suddenly one of the orange sculptures twitched. She panicked. She wriggled frantically. She could hear chanting now. Sickening pygmy war cries. Another figure moved, and another and another. One by one the orange figures turned to face the semi-naked lab assistant. Hundreds of porcelain hands groped her body. She tried to cry out, but as soon as she opened her mouth the figures screeched, tubes were opened and young Mary has 4, 000 tons of sand poured down her throat. It was like sucking off the Sandman. Poor Mary wasn’t used to this. She usually spat. She died instantly.
She had been an inch or two taller than the Dr. She herself had been nearly 6ft.
Meanwhile in Hollwood Mrs John (real name Joan) was living it up with her lover, Tom Cruise I. They were now married and sexually and economically satisfied. The Depression was clearing up like a 20 year olds acne and things were looking up for Joan, despite still desperately missing her first husband, John Wallis.
Years passed with no word.
She’d heard stories of strange and macarbre deaths and sightings in the Mojave desert, she suspected John was out there, like some snack size version of Charles Manson. She set off to find him.
Danny was 5. Danny like toys. He was 5, its what he did. He went to a toy shop (which is where toys come from.) It was empty. Mr Arms, the proprietor was nowhere to be seen. There was only one type of toy on the shelves- jack-in-a-boxes. Danny called out. As if by magic one of the boxes started making its tune. Then another. One by one they all set off. The they all stopped. Danny was shaking. The he heard one thousand tiny voices scream ‘POP GOES THE WEASEL!’ Thousands of clay soldiers descended on Danny with porcelain knives…
Joan was somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the mugs began to take hold. She’d had 14 cups of coffee to steady her nerves.
She’d been searching for hours and found nothing but cliches and parodies. She turned back to go home.
Fires raged across America. From Chicago to LA. Someone or someTHING had it in for the popular retail chain ‘High and Mighty.’ 234 stores across the USA had been gutted and destroyed.
Additionally height motivated murder had risen nearly 1000% and hundreds of basketball matches turned to bloodbaths as lots of ‘little fans’ took to violently protesting about the vertical prejudice of the NBA (they honestly didn’t mind the corruption or cheating, just the prejudice.)
Their motive: envy. Their weapon: anything they could lift above their itty bityy teeny weeny heads.
Joan parked the Ferarri in the 4th of the 24 garages of the Hollywood mansion she shared with snack size casanova Thomas Cruise I.
Weeping she stepped out of the car
’’How could you?’’ asked a familiar voice.
’’John!’’ She cried ’’I’m so sorry!’‘
’’Don’t call me John.’’ (bafflingly uttered by John)
Joan turned around. John had changed. He was plated with terracotta armour and he wielded a little terracotta axe.
’’I AM MING-VASE THE MERCILESS!’ cried John/Ming dramaticaly. (drama indicated by use of capitals…)
’’AND I’M TAKING YOU HOSTAGE!’‘
’’You and whose army?’’ said Tom Cruise I with a gleaming, 80 watt, shit eating grin.
Of course here he had opened up a whole can of worms there as thousands of Mings porcelain soldiers down on Tom with great vengeance and FURIOUS ANGER as they butchered him. They cut that bitch up. They went medieval on his ass…
*
Have you ever tried sneaking around with a 13 inch, 220, 000 strong terracotta army? Its tricky. Especially with a 5’9 celebrity wife and a trail of blood and destruction behind you.
However, they made it to New York safely. The journey was indescribable- hence the lack of description. Hell, its only fiction, and if implausibilty puts you off how the hell did you get this far?
Ming-Vase led the tiny soldiers to the Empire State Building. They scaled the building, still holding Joan captive.
Down on the street two young actors, Humphrey Bogart and Warren Beatty were eating lunch. They could not beleive what they were seeing. Unlike in King Kong the US air force were unavaible due to copyright issues and the advent of WWII.
It was up to the public to save the fair maiden. Humphrey and Warren pulled out their pieces (they were working part time for the mob, purely for the purposes of method acting) and began shooting. Hundreds of little porcelain soldiers cracked and shattered. The ping of smashing china could be heard ten blocks down.
Finally a bullet pierced the insubstantial armour of Ming-Vase the merciless and he reeled backwards falling towards the ground.
’’Humphrey Bogart saved that woman’’ cried a reporter.
’’No’’ Said Bogey, ’’T’was Beatty killed the beasts.’‘
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ok, it is fairly rambling and tangent heavy, but you already knew that. The only thing im not fond of is the pygmy focus. i know, it composes a major part of the story at this point; but im always in favor of not taking the cheap laughs from something as simple as a short joke. those kind of jokes make me laugh the first time, and then usually never again. in direct contrast. the last line is great, totally unexpected, and you earned that laugh.
Terrific.
I was almost put off at the beginning by the redundancy of the words.
The ‘merciless’ pygmy, Ming-Vase the ‘merciless’
‘plot’ of this story follows his evil and disturbing ‘plot’
When I realized the tongue in cheek style I forced my way through a few more lines and began chuckling. I mean it is a humorous piece, right? LOL
You used this style extremely well. If you took out a little of the sex you could make this into a childrens book. But why bother. It is great the way it is.
Yes, you have some spelling to clean up and a few these and those but I won’t waste your credits on that.
And that has to be the absolute worst ending I have ever read! Damn, it is bad. I love it. “Author, Author” they clammered.
“Ming-Vase the merciless” You should capitalize “Merciless.”
“the oldest and wisest of the pygmy actor, Thomas Cruise I.” Yeah, I always suspected as much… Seriously, though, don’t people realize that the man is actually only about 5’4” tall? I wish Hollywood didn’t exaggerate actors’ heights in the “official” bios; it gives people a distorted idea of what’s normal.
“Obviously this is still 1933, so we can’t be too graphic…” No, that was pretty graphic. Also not funny.
You lost me completely at the point where you started talking about the planet Gong. Sometimes crudeness is funny; sometimes it isn’t. This is definitely one of the latter.
“Ming-Vase the merciless” – I would captilalize “Merciless” so it is known that that is his name.
’aaaaaaaaaaaaagggggg’ – captilalize and use half of the “a”’s. I have a feeling that you like to show the reader the emphasis to your words by capitalizing the whole word or dragging out things like “aaaaaaaggg”. However, you don’t need to do that. The reader can and will pick up on the hints of emphasis.
“Danny was 5.” – Danny IS five.
“31st November 1933” – a short time later you put the month, day, then year. Keep it consistent.
“The they all stopped. The he heard” – both “the” to “then”
“(bafflingly uttered by John)” – why use ( ) ?
’’You and whose army?’’ – what* army
“could not beleive” – believe*
This is very comical. I loved all the pop culture refrences here and there. The writing is not something that I would want to read again, only for the grammatical errors and lack of description/emotion for the characters. I think you could make this ten times better by showing the reader the action through the characters eyes. As for a simple laugh factor, you definately had me laughing out loud. Nice job. =]
Lovely. Very entertaining.
A few highlights:
“‘the Bay of Pygmies’ has quite a good pun-like ring to it.)” YES, it does. :)
I especially like the paragraph detailing poor Mary Suckalott’s death. Spitting is hygienically speaking always the better option.
“She’d been searching for hours and found nothing but cliches and parodies.”
And lots more, but it would just eat more of your credits.
Proofreading notes:
itty bitty = itty-bitty
John saw red, he’d had enough (comma splice – this needs to be a semicolon or a colon)
were preapring (typo)
succeded = succeeded
unfortunatley (typo)
a 20 year olds acne = a 20-year-old’s acne
macarbre (typo)
in the Mojave desert, she suspected John (comma splice)
its what he did. = it’s
stepped out of the car (Terminal punctuation missing)
dramaticaly (typo)
80 watt, shit eating grin. = 80-watt, shit-eating grin.
13 inch = 13-inch
Its tricky. = It’s
its only fiction = it’s
beleive = believe
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