Thanks for your insight.
Crime, Thrillers & Mystery / My Life: One Womens Story of Abuse and Neglect
Hi, my name is Angel and this is the story of my life. Abused by men, addicted to drugs and tortured by my mother. I hope you enjoy dark and sinister shit because that’s the way I feel. I have managed to live to a ripe old age of thirty-four, my mother is dead and my three ex-husbands still want me back. As if. I am sure one of my ex-boyfriends is serving time for child-molestation. His name is Will, he is probably enjoying the prison life considering the fact that he used to pimp himself out to the elite society of older men. They have lots of money and lots of viagra. Perfect for Will. Anyway, I can only hope that he will be killed by one of the people in his cell.
My first memory, I am three years old and my family; mom, dad, and baby sister, are visiting my uncle. We live in Eastern Kentucky, so my uncle of course, lives in a holler down a dirt road and across the creek. There is not a bridge to cross the creek so you have to drive carefully to make sure you do not get stuck. We all pile out of the car and I realize I have to go pee. I tell my mom (whose name is Karen) and she tells me to go squat at the end of the trailer. I remember squatting down and bracing myself against the trailer so I would not fall in my pee. You may think it odd that she told me to go outside instead of inside where the bathroom was, but my aunt and uncle have two severely retarded children who will throw scissors at the first person through the door. My dad is always first and has always managed to dodge whatever is thrown his way. We knock on the door and go in carefully. After the boys get used to you they are not so bad. If they do act up they get beat with a belt. This is something I have seen as well as experienced myself.
My mother and my aunt Nellie decide to go the grocery store. They both have food stamps left and needed some things. My mother decided I would stay there with my dad and she would take my sister. I was playing in the living room after they left and my cousin Michelle, who was six, and not retarded came over to me and asked if I wanted to play a game. Of course I did. She told me to get under the blanket that was over a chair. I looked over at my dad to see if I would get in trouble, but he was sitting at the kitchen table with my uncle drunk and playing poker. I did not know the two other men there. So, I went under the blanket with my cousin. There was a guy sitting in the chair, he put me in his lap and ask my cousin if I would tell, she said no. He asks me if I could keep a secret and not wanting to be left out, I said yes. He started kissing me and I could feel his tongue in my mouth. I could hear him breathing. He seemed to be having trouble catching his breath. I started to cry and he picked me up and took me to a bedroom. My dad never noticed I was gone. I would like to be able to tell you what happened in that room but all I remember is crying on the bed sometime later and having to go pee again. I told him I wanted my daddy and I had to go pee. He picked me up and sat me on the floor. I ran away from him to the other side of the room and squatted down in the floor to go pee. I heard my mom and aunt pull up and so did he. He opened the door and I ran out crying to my mom. I didn’t tell her anything because I didn’t have the vocabulary to explain what had just happened. I never saw that guy again. On my twenty-first birthday, this memory crawled out of the dark recesses of my mind and nearly drove me crazy. I found out the guys name through my cousin and intended to kill him, especially when I was drunk. I never did and I have a feeling I was not the first little girl he molested and I probably was not the last.
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jeremycage reviewed Version 2 -
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Um, this is pretty darned rough. I sincerely hope it’s not autobiographical. You’ve got a very raw story here that is emotionally moving, but you’re going to have to spend many long hours refining the mechanics of your writing in order to reach something publishable. You need to think about the overall structure of what you’re doing: what goes in which paragraph and so forth. There are sentences that don’t belong in the paragraphs they’re in. There are lots of mistakes in punctuation. The second sentence isn’t a sentence.
But these are trivial compared to the overall grippingness of the narrative. Keep working: you have a lot of potential.
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faydiablo reviewed Version 2 -
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EllePepper reviewed Version 2 -
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BigMamaMags reviewed Version 2 -
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Ness reviewed Version 2 -
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I sincerely hope that this story is not true as it is horrifying.
It is very effective story as well as very heart breaking one. If this was a true account of your life (which I hope it is not) I could see you making this into an outstanding autobiography that could give hope to the millions of women out there who are abused everyday. If not it makes a very interesting narrative, that conveys a universal theme of abuse and neglect upon women and children in our global community.
tstone reviewed Version 2 -
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this story really jumped out at me – and not just because of the subject matter. it was very real and the narration was excellent. i felt like i could’ve been crossing the creek (maybe a little more description of the surroundings here – not too much though) or sitting in the house with the narrator. there are some grammar/punctuation problems. but nothing major. overall, very engaging.
JTstories reviewed Version 2 -
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I like dark stories as much as the next guy, so the subject matter does not skew my opinion in any negative way.
Constructive Critism:
The most glaring issue so far in the story is the situation where the narrator finds her self under a blanket with a child molester while her father is in plain view. Then the molester picks her up and carries her off to the bed room.
You need to paint a better view of this scene for the reader. Was the father not aware what was going on, or was this the plan all along and he was in on it? If the father was in on it it would do alot more for the story if he somehow acknowledged her when she looked in his direction, by either remaining stone cold, or looking away in shame – and in he knew it would help if we knew a little about the circumstances surrounding the issue of WHY he would let this happen.
if the father was totally unaware of what was going on (because he was drunk) you just simply need to explain this a little better for the reader so we have a better grasp of what was going on. The story isn’t being told by the six year old, so the narrator can give some insight that explains what she knew and felt then in her limited way, versus what she knows now.
If I were you I would read this story out loud a couple times, look for narrative or dialogue that doesn’t seem to SOUND right when you say it, it’s the best way to identify narrative or dialgue that needs editing and rewriting. An example of this would be the first two sentences in your story:
“Hi, my name is Angel and this is the story of my life. Abused by men, addicted to drugs and tortured by my mother.”
The second sentence stands out because it doesn’t sound right at all when you read it alone. Try editing it together with the first sentence, or rewriting it so it sounds more like it would if you were to say it to someone in person. There are other sentences in the story that could use this same attention, this was just an example.
The issue about the retarded cousins throwing scissors at guests sounds too contrived, especially the part about the father going first in order to ‘dodge’ them. Remove this scene completely and come up with some other annoying habit they could have if they are to remain in the story. A family with children who hurl knifes at strangers would do their best to keep knives away from the children. So the scene is campy, implausible, and sets a very bad tone for the story, one of silliness.
Marvek reviewed Version 2 -
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Well, you know that I feel your pain all throughout this story. I love the way you write and the words you choose in your pieces. This makes me shiver as I read it. That is how real the words felt to me. Good luck in the future.
robertryburn reviewed Version 1 -
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I think you have skill to write and the words I just read are not worth publishing.
I could feel your pain and feel your words so that is a good start in writing.
Good luck.
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