good point on the heavy line -play. . . smart- will work on it
Poetry / Strip Show Cadillac
Coriander cutlets
food for the gods,
craft time to cause time
I’m stealing out
your hibiscus hideaway.
So in love with
a sexier you
that is as real as I make time
to take time to see.
Sorry symphonies are venom teeth
to be kissing me with.
Hold this harlequin chest
of such gloriousness
part play tart flirt smart
in the imploding distance
between us.
Scary,
might be the next dairy
good for the bones
Oh, how you quake me
there never was a wider smile
and skin that truly can be lived in,
Love that could begin
chasing out trembling.
Tell me another way
might fright be fought
back to the cage of it’s birth.
Show me a greater weapon
than openness.
Take time to give time
my pots are piping hot.
Pathways of parboiled finger
touches on tender clothes hanger;
it’s a chance to jump in on this
strip show cadillac,
rollin’ on through
a heart’s haberdashery highway
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gbaurbis reviewed Version 1 -
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Before reviewing this I watched: Daedelus – Just Briefly
great alliteration: craft/cause but look for another word for time,
and hisbicus highway excellent
but then throughout you forget about alliteration and inner rhynme.
part/play is halfhearted atemmpt
at least give us imagery of the cadillac
you have a lot going here but please develop imagery
reading this I think of myself on hollywood blvd. fri. night
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scottsta reviewed Version 1 -
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poetry is, i think, one of the hardest things to critique. there are some passages that i absolutely LOVE
Oh, how you quake me/hibiscus hideaway./Show me a greater weapon
than openness.
rollin’ on through
a heart’s haberdashery highway
i would prefer
rollin’ on through
OUR haberdashery highway
OR ANYTHING ELSE. the title is gorgeous. i’m not crazy about ROLLIN either. to me it lessens the beauty of what came before.
i know nothing of Daedelus – my wife writes poetry based on greek mythology that makes me crazy cause i don’t get it. i know it’s what poets do but i prefer Simic or Billy Collins where you can have a high school education…. but that’s my autodidact’s pet peeve.
lastly – i gave you an 8 but would suggest you lay out each verse in literal form. not as the published piece – but then re-write so it flows to a higher comprehension. i’m beating around the bush to say I don’t think you are sure where/what some of it means and I think you need to know. please let me know….
EES reviewed Version 1 -
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I don’t like your third line, craft time, cause time, first I am not sure what it means and secondly I do not like the use of “time” twice in one line.
Apart from that I really like your poem. It is intelligent and keeps a remarkable pace that I so love when reading.
jweeble reviewed Version 1 -
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I really enjoyed reading this, even without knowing anything about the piece mentioned in notes. Favorite line – greater weapon than openness.” Wonderful!
The images you craft are vivid and memorable, although some meanings are opaque and unclear to me.
Overall, an enjoyable read.
Spunkles reviewed Version 1 -
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“part play tart flirt smart ” is a little bit hard to say. I would reccomend changning the order of the words. If you end with play, instead of smart it becomes much easier to say and read.
There is no problem reading it as it stands right now. It might flow better though if there was some steadiness to the words or syllables in each line. Not saying that every line should have the same, but say you made the middle lines of each part have roughly the same number. It might make parts of it easier where it goes from long lines to very short ones. As it is poetry it is more or less how you want it. those were just a couple of ideas.
RoadHousePress reviewed Version 1 -
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Comment on content: I found this obscurely complex and difficult to grasp. Can’t say if it is good or not because to be honest I don’t think I understand this poem. I think it is about lust vs love in a car? or are you just cooking something that turns you on? Am I completely off base? Their is an obvious talent for word crafting and you captured my interest but I honestly have no idea what I just read. Perhaps too much haberdashery: clothes hanger? Cadillac’s.. it jumps around too much.
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