I am a fan of allusion. Damn the influence of the Moderns. Thanks; however, do you think it may be overwritten places? Also, does it seem complete? I’ve not looked at this in ages (actually forgot I had it posted here), so it’s nice to reconsider the poem.
Poetry / The Reflections
1.
The guitarist, with blue-lens sunglasses,
test tiramisu syrup in his coffee,
remarks reminded of caramel
balancing two white, lidded cups
as he rushes head-down out the daytime door.
2.
With alternate right-foot steps, the lame woman dips
like wave and wave and wave against the rocks.
3.
Eliot: “I had not thought death had undone so many.”
Stevens: “The day is like wide water, without sound,”
Hui-nêng: “It is neither wind nor pennant but your own mind that flaps.”
4.
Breasts more distinct than faces
Hang upon the wall, formed of cream
and burgundy and earthy browns.
Flat, yet, the hint of round soft flesh
is implied by close contacts of paint-bodies
in twisted, unnatural postures.
5.
On the second-story windowledge;
facing outward, into the street,
over the heads of striding someones;
under the airplanes that ride the sky;
over the churning frothing foutains;
between the wreckage- and rock-heaped shore
and the verdant, cross-apexed, balding hills;
above the ants and shops and diners;
in early winter morning, a radio plays Chopin.
6.
And if a voice in its return,
departure and reunion, (fading yet returning)
strike its origin-should it be unspoken?
Instead, as sound, one might be moving
not as the dustmote does, (direction is self-reference)
as the surging of the ocean; one rises, falls;
impotent as a radio antenna.
7.
Four men collaberated on a chilly night
The upright bass was precisely plucked
a cat softly padding through a patch of moon
Guitar in gentle hands near-silent,
dakotan winds crossweaving heads of wheat
A keyboard tempestuous pressed by sightless fingers
storm rivulets tracing paths down hills
Wire brushes caress percussive plates
old branches struggling with the strain.
8.
They have their fantasies.
The plumtrees are blooming,
and, in blooming, are struck dumb.
Could less be said for thorns?
For these sharp things are diminishing,
Final chords from an ancient harp
Have we, at some time, cut the strings?
While couples skipped on resilent stones
and silent syllables fell from painted lips.
Spring is a sleep. Spring is a sleep,
painted, artificial, a pantomine of salt;
spring itself is sacrificial.
Is the plum prepared to dream?
It is more a season of wax
of oxen, oat, and rafter’s oar.
Spring is a fog-shrouded sleep.
Their intimacies each are separate fruits
They have their fantasies.
9.
Yellow-bellied blackbirds in the heat,
The dandelions, and re-growing grass,
Raising heads above the grass-
The yellow faces and yellow breasts
Distinct. The day is hot.
The blackbirds hunting do not explain:
Avian movements are the best.
Drifting seeds know the essential fact,
They do not remain. Instinct
makes each, alone and distinct,
undertake the preferential act;
The blackbirds know: A mass
in flight above the earth
in flying may reach a better lot.
10.
The night is sliced into sections by four spotlights;
A lemon with uncountable seeds.
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iwouldntopenthat reviewed Version 1 -
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first stanza…
culinary school flashback!
number two…..
makapuu in winter
3.
... ... ... ... ...
number four.. ... ...
she’s naked and waiting,
while i read this,
she lays there
restless.
5
HUH
6.
sorry
i got lost…
7 8 9 10
never read again.
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graceofgene reviewed Version 1 -
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Your poetry overall was interesting but I didn’t find it to really be poetry until the last 2. Number 9 stood alone as a poem it flowed very nicely and painted a lovely picture that you could actually pluck a dandolion out of the yard, number 10 was also a poem in itself.
Brian reviewed Version 1 -
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I love that the first thing I thought of when I saw your format was Wallace Stevens’ “13 Ways of Looking at a Blackbird”, and in the third section you quote him form “Sunday Morning” followed later on with images of blackbirds-all great allusions. Your poem is filled with beautiful and vivid images. A very thought provoking piece.
lastdaypoets reviewed Version 1 -
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This piece shows the authors true being although it is vague is essence. The use of metaphors are a little rudundant but defines the comm them or notion expressed. On a scale of one to ten this piece would be a six. This is sole based on expressed though and emotion. An overall good write.
“Yellow-bellied blackbirds in the heat,
The dandelions, and re-growing grass,
Raising heads above the grass-
The yellow faces and yellow breasts
Distinct.”
I love the use of nature in this piece
jenfenway reviewed Version 1 -
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This 37 word review has not been unlocked.
wrytergrrrl reviewed Version 1 -
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At first reading this to myself in my head I was getting a little confused by the way the different stanzas were written, but once I started over reading outloud I had no trouble at all (except for a few misspelled words here and there like “foutains” instead of “fountains”). Anyways, I found this poem really beautiful and well written. The imagery was crystal clear and flowed so well and I was so engaged that I was quite startled when I reached the last line and realized that it was over. Overall very well done!
Tangarine reviewed Version 1 -
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I’m not great at abstracts but I found this so beautiful I’m going to try. I saw in this poem 4 seasons 4 muses 4 senses 4 element all woven together seamlessly but still retaining their identity through out. I think with every reading more things would show themselves to me, I am sure there is more. The painting, the sound of the instruments the way you did it ohhh nice. It flows so nicely. I have nothing to criticque, I loved it.
March 06, 2006
Deleted User
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this is a very long, complex piece, so i feel most comfortable addressing it one part at a time, and then as a whole.
1. the details you provide are excellent and add to the realism of the piece. the lines sing. i like the rhythm and alliteration of the phrase “daytime door.”
2. your repetition in this stanza is particularly powerful. a complete portrait in a handful of words.
3.the allusions you make are pertinent and witty, yet unpretentious.
4. truly unexpected and inventive use of language. again, i like the alliteration in the first line of this stanza; the “s” sound hisses suggestively throughout. one nitpicky thing, which may or may not be relevant: you have an extra comma in the fourth line, before “yet.” i only mention this because so far your punctuation has been fairly standard and correct, and consistency is important.
5. after the strong, repetitive rhythms of the majority of this verse, the last line is a surprising revelation.
6. i actually don’t like the parenthetical phrases in this stanza. they seem to interfere with the rhythm.
7. more powerful imagery and great alliteration. i particularly admire the sixth line. vital as the music you describe.
8. the use of a question as the first line of this section immediately grabs my interest. i also like the use of repetition.
9. surprising use of rhyme. you obviously have a firm grasp on many styles and techniques. your depiction of nature is mercifully unsentimental, yet still beautiful.
10. a great ending, an incredible image. the metaphor is charming and funny.
overall, i would say that this piece is about memory. you provide scraps and snatches of sounds, images, tastes, and textures that create profound reaction in the reader. like memory, the piece is apparently meandering, random and based in emotion, but ultimately it has focus and balance. a very enjoyable and challenging read.
March 04, 2006
Deleted User
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It is definitely unique, that is for sure! I am not sure if I like it because it is really broken and difficult to understand what point the author is trying to get across. My favorite thing about the piece is the number separations, it is unique to the piece all the way through it. I don’t know if you intentionally did this, but right now your pattern is 5, 2, 4, 6, 9, 7, 9, 19, 14, 2—this makes your piece really broken. Might I suggest making the lines equivalent to the number it is paired with, this would be interesting. Now…onward to the topic…
I like the passion you put into the smallest phrase, for example, in lines 12-17…
“Breasts more distinct than faces (unique choice of words and shows visual interest)/
Hang upon the wall, form of cream, (I assume you are referring to a painting—and the form of cream re-represents your visual interest)/
and burgundy and earthy browns. (Once again, color shows your emotion)/
Flat, yet, the hint of round soft flesh, (I have a problem with this line, simply because of the wording, I feel you could use better adjectives)/
is implied by close contacts of paint-bodies (amazing imagery)/
in twisted unnatural postures”
Your topic is great and its execution wonderful, but the structure of this poem is odd, and that is the only thing I dislike because it disrupts the flow.
Jack_Kerocrack reviewed Version 1 -
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It evoke raw images of natural sexuality. I feel it combines the purest of man’s natures with functional aspects of the beast within.
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