It will heat up later on.
Novel Treatments / Most Likely To....
Most likely to….
There I was, returning to the scene of the crime. It had been years since I set foot in my high school. I still wonder what I would be walking back into hallways full of memories, some of them good some I’d rather not relive. Thankfully, this time, I was here as an attendance secretary. My husband Paul had gotten transferred to the offices of the Hydroelectric Company, in the town I grew up in. Upon learning of this transfer I started applying for jobs in the area. I passed the interview at the school board with flying colors. They got me a spot right away, at the very school I graduated from. The only school they had available was Newbrook Heights collegiate. I have to wonder if this is how Gabe Kotter felt when He returned to teach the sweat-hogs “Okay I said to myself, enough lally-gagging, Sherry, get in there.” I got out of the car. Pulled myself together mentally, and marched into the school.
This, I could tell was going to be a make it or break it job for me. I had to prove my salt as an attendance secretary. Next being a vice principle, it could be one of the tougher administrative jobs I was responsible for monitoring the attendance of every student in the school; This included issuing excuse slips, and detention orders based on the say-so from the Vice staff. I would be considered a bad guy if I didn’t grant requests of students. I had to be tough though. I couldn’t let them catch me being weak. Let them call me what they wanted behind my back, I was the adult and they were teenagers, and I was bigger than well most of them anyways.
Chapter One
As I walked into the front foyer, ghosts of my past blasted at me from all corners. My senses were being bombarded, I saw people who, by no rights should be attending school now, twenty-something years later. I heard disembodied voices screaming things like “LOSER”! I felt like a schizophrenic with auditory hallucinations. I remained calm, as I didn’t want
the kids to see that the new Attendance Secretary was a freak of some sort. Once I had somewhat pulled myself together, after the imaginary onslaught, I headed straight to the office to begin my day.
My sixteen-year-old daughter, Ashley was in the office, registering for classes. ”Hi Mom.” she said. ”Oops, sorry ‘Mrs. Campbell’.” She had forgotten our agreement about using Mom at school. People would eventually figure it out, that we were indeed related. However for now she wanted the anonymity—of not being associated with school management of any kind. I wished her a good day and good luck. Ash was a good student, and generally didn’t miss classes. She especially didn’t want to do so here. What would the other kids think if her own mother had to call her to the office for skipping classes.
I knocked on the Principal, Mr. Alton’s door to let him know I was here. He offered to take me on a tour, then remembered that I really didn’t need one. I just wanted to acclimatize myself with the office, and wander through areas I never had access to as a student, such as the inner sanctum of the staff lounge and the various departmental offices for faculty.
Nothing much had changed since my heyday at Newbrook. The paintings we did on the walls throughout the school were still there. The current enrollees had added some more timely material to reflect their interests while still respecting the homage’s to yesterday’s rock icons.
I returned to the office to start my first official work day. Students started coming in to buy locks and get schedules revised. I helped the other office staff get through the throng of students. By lunch, I needed a Tylenol and a good stiff drink. I retrieved a Tylenol from my purse. The drink would have to wait until I got home. Instead I retrieved a carton of milk and a salad from the cafeteria, and retreated to the staff lounge for an hour of peace. That wasn’t to be had. I walked into the staff room to hear various members of faculty complaining of class sizes and debating on which students would give them the hardest time that year. Sandra Becker, one of the music teachers sat beside me at the table.
“They do this every year.” She said while observing the debate.
‘’ Do what?” I asked
‘’Every year the teachers start a pool and place bets on the best and worst students in the school. At the end of the year we have a Rose and Thorn ceremony to honor the winners. There are prizes awarded to everyone. The money collected in the pool goes to the faculty party in the spring.”
‘’That sounds like fun. Maybe I should start one for best and worst attendance.”
Sandra thought this was a great idea and suggested I do that.
Before we knew it, it was time to get back to the battlefield.
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rosalind reviewed Version 1 -
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A very cute story. I would work a little bit more on description and using punchier words. It might help to know a bit more about the protagonist too. Considering she’s making a change of this nature it would help to know what her husband thinks, and a little teaser about what we as readers are to expect. Although I enjoyed reading it because of your fluid and easy style, I found myself wondering what this story was going to be about. As an author you left me absolutely no clues as to where the story is going. It’s good though. I look forward to reading it again!
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wisedec4u reviewed Version 1 -
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Good job so far. I didn’t see any major grammatical errors or misspellings jump out at me. The first part was little slow (as first chapters often are), but the pace sped up little as I read on. I understand that this is Sherry’s first day as a attendance secretary, but since this is only the first part of your chapter one there’s not much else to go on so I can’t give you advice on dramatic tension, etc. Based on what I read so far the dialogues seems to be well written and Sherry is a character I think most will be able to relate to. My only suggestion is to maybe start off the introduction with more action and/or suspense to draw the reader in. You said this was going to have some mystery thrown in, so maybe you can give us a hint of that in the beginning. Overall, it was good start and look forward to reading more.
DirtAngels reviewed Version 1 -
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As someone who has completed six manuscripts and published two books I feel I have a little experience agonizing over the start of a book. This, as the first page or pages of your novel will make or break you with agents, readers and publishers.
First let me say that I find the concept interesting, returning years later to a place where you once experienced every emotion known to humankind with the intensity that only teenagers can feel. Being subjected to that as an adult, with experience and knowledge, with a mystery thrown in is an intriguing perspective. I would definitely be interested in seeing more.
Now for the helpful criticisms. I hate to point out grammar errors in first drafts since my novels have been through five or six revisions by me, a run through by an independant editor and my publisher’s editorial staff and they still have some mistakes. But for your own well being you should watch your verb tense confusion. There is alot of that and it is a hard thing to correct during revisions because it effects sentence structures. I would list specific cases of this in your offering here, but they exist throughout. A simple read aloud would correct it for you.
Now for content suggestions. It is a mystery you intend to write. What I would suggest if I were your editor is a little more intimate internal dialogue from your protagonist. Since it is written in first person knowing in detail what she thinks and feels is how we get to know her. And in order to hook a reader you want this knowledge to come quickly so that a relationship between your character and your audience is established first thing. And since it is a mystery I would try to inject some air of menace, however vague, into the first chapter at some point. Something that doesn’t make sense or ‘jive’ with what your character knows about this place.
Anyway, sorry to be so long winded I just get excited about reading new novelists rough work and I can’t wait to see more of this one.
IndyWalsh reviewed Version 1 -
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Just a few grammatical errors.
YOU WROTE:
‘My husband Paul had gotten transferred to the offices of the Hydroelectric Company..’
SHOULD BE:
‘My husband Paul had [been] transferred to the offices of the Hydroelectric Company..’
YOU WROTE:
‘Upon learning of this transfer I started applying for jobs in the area..’
SHOULD BE:
comma after transfer.
YOU WROTE:
‘I passed the interview at the school board with flying colors..’
SOUNDS BETTER WITH:
‘I passed the interview at the school board with [excellence]..’
YOU WROTE:
‘that we were indeed related.. However..’
SHOULD BE:
‘that we were related.. However,’
YOU WROTE:
‘What would the other kids think if her own mother had to call her to the office for skipping classes.’
SHOULD BE:
A question mark instead of full stop at the end, as this is a question.
YOU WROTE:
‘take me on a tour, then remembered that..’
SHOULD BE:
‘take me on a tour, [and] then remembered that..’
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