Short Story / The

there’s a little tension early in the piece that grabs the readers attention, piques our curiosity. but it falls flat at the end without resolution. perhaps that’s what you were going for though, but to be honest it makes the reader leave feeling cheated.  

Very good. It’s almost a gag, in a very twisted way. I personally can’t see any spelling of grammatical mistakes, so well done!

Alright.  This short piece is a success…

At aggravating the reader!  

If this was your intent, mission accomplished.

I actually enjoyed the title “The.”  thought it was quirky and funny.  

“her notepad against dengue – the latest plague in town.”—as a tail to a sentence that was clear, this bit threw me.  It doesn’t make sense to me and I’m not even sure if it’s crucial to the story.  

“The wings like dandelions”—dandelions?  this simile didn’t work for me.  I have a hard time envisioning wings like dandelions.  do you mean the white dandelions once yellow, where the individual specks can blow off in a stiff breeze?  

“over the hand”—the hand?  did you mean head?  would crushing it’s hand kill it?  does it even have hands?  

overall, its got some very cute potential.  I mean “cute” as a compliment.  You’ve got my attention at the start, it holds somewhat throughout the short piece, and the ending is kind of disappointing but ironically fitting.

criticisms?  

It feels very jerky. Maybe consider trying to smooth it out by laying it out differently.  or not.

it’s short.  And kind of entertaining.  

Thanks.  

This is a good story; you manage to get to the point without undo exposition. My one problem is that the main character’s action at the end of the story comes without warning or explanation. She’s aware of the possibility that the creature in her hand may be one of a kind, so why so callously kill it? I think we need a few more passages describing the main character and her personality so that the ending feels earned to the reader.

I liked this. I don’t know that I can offer a lot of useful notes. The sentences are short and snapping for the most part, which gives the piece an interesting tone. There’s an odd detachment from the little bug and it helps the narration grab at the reader. And it brings to the musings a very nice, I don’t know, poetry might be the word. The wings like dandelions and and the bit on her finger and the extinction thoughts, for instance, were very good.

I don’t know how to put it. I liked it.

It wouldn’t work as a longer piece, though, I don’t think.

Its interesting. Very good flow,Leads the reader along well. I like the way you built a visual existance in our minds,and left it at that. The line about dandelions was confusing,dandelions are the toughest weeds, so I didnt get that part.

The title intrigued me.  The beginning hooked me and the end disappointed me.  The girl poked and prodded at the tiny creature that interested her.  She thought it was beautiful.  It was her favorite color, frail, winged and possibly injured.  She didn’t know what it was.  You set up this beautiful setting of an injured, tiny creature being nudged into consciousness only to be helplessly crushed by the observer?  That’s not nice.  

The way you describe the the….  endears the reader to it.  The reader grows attached and hopes for the recovery of the the…  And just when it looks like it’s going to make it, it’s crushed.  

Well, though I didn’t like the ending I did like your writing style.  Your descriptions are right on.  I pictured it in my head as I read it easily.  Your attention to detail is good.

Now rewrite the the…  and have it sharpen it’s wings and prick the girl’s hand as it flies out of it.  ;)

• add/view comments (1)

February 02, 2008

by stum

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
89	82.4% (34 votes)	24.1%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
16	F	Singapore	November 03

hmm okay thanks! haha. will seriously consider.

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.

I like this story.
You don’t learn until you are practically finished with the entire story, which is good, since you want the readers to be drawn. Strangely, I was. It really would be hard to put a genre unto this story, although at this point, I don’t think you are necessarily interesteed in that. The quality of this story is… average. I seems you could put some more details, how the “the” thing tickled against your skin… etc.

Overall,
okay.
Honestly, could be better.
I like your writing style, though, I’ll leave this on a good note.

Want suggestions?
feel free to message me,
-janice.

excellent writing technique for your age.  this could be the start of a nice piece.  great start.  where does it go from here?  what are the girl’s feelings about killing the ?

You clearly have a talent for description which is worth building on. Further your imagination has created a cunning little narrative. good comment on the naivety and blind cruelty of childhood.
You have talent, so just keep plugging away; if you get an idea write it.
N1
Josh