Well, the idea is that one minute she is sleeping on the deck and the next minute she is sucked into this with absolutely no idea what’s going on.
Novel Treatments / St. Lucifer Chapter One
Markie Holland sat quietly by the edge of the pond that bordered her house, its soft splashes against the dock relaxing. A rickety old row boat was tethered to it, with the name Star Fire. Her bright blue eyes closed drowsily under the beating sun. She didn’t notice the young man who had appeared at her side, almost out of nowhere.
“Beautiful day, isn’t it?” he said.
Her eyes snapped open and she rocketed to her feet like a cannonball.
“Who’re you?” she demanded, backing away slowly.
“A friend of you mother’s,” came the reply. Automatically, the girl’s head began to swivel towards the house.
“Not that mother!” he said.
The look on her face quickly changed from confusion to apprehension. Either this man was crazy, or severely brain-damaged.
“I only have one mother, who is that way,” she gestured in the general direction of her house, “Now, let me go get her and we’ll get you back where you belong,” she said slowly, as if speaking to a four-year-old.
“Markie, your real mother is retiring. You have inherited hell….literally,” the man said. “Your real mother is the devil-and I’m not just speaking metaphorically.”
“Look, um, you might want to get your head checked,” she said, turning to sprint away.
“Wait!”
BAM!
Suddenly, Markie was rocketed somewhere; where she wasn’t sure yet, but she would soon find out.
“Dammit,” said a female voice gruffly.
Markie, opening her eyes, looked around. It was an unusual place; but, then again, it was hell. It wasn’t some underground place, or so one would think. It looked like a small rural town, only a red glow was cast on it. It was hot, too hot for Markie’s long sleeved T-shirt. Glancing up, all you say was empty red sky,
“Well, well, well. The daughter returned,” said a tall, gorgeous woman in front of her with a slight British accent.
“I must be dreaming,” mumbled Markie. “Who ARE you people?”
“Oh, would it look better if I had horns and a mustache?” the woman asked. “Actually, the Devil, Lucifer, Satan, and all those other names humans have managed to come up with are a load of bull. My name is really Elisabeth, but call me Lizzie.”
Markie gaped at the woman.
“Dear girl, I’m your mother, and could you please shut your mouth? Flies will fly in.”
Markie began babbling incoherently. The words “impossible” and “no way” could be heard through the chatter.
“Oh, shut up!” yelled the woman. Rolling her eyes, she turned to man who had brought Markie. “Get her something to drink. Make sure she’s calmed down before you send her to me, alright? Or is that too hard for you?”
“No ma’am, Mizz Lizzie,” the man said in a Texan drawl that hadn’t been there last time he’d spoken and walked off, holding onto Markie’s wrist.
Finally, Markie stopped chattering and looked up the man who was leading her.
“What’s your name?” she asked.
“Frank.”
“I’ll follow you, you don’t need to hold onto me,” she said with a trace of annoyance.
“Fine,” he said, dropping her arm.
“So that’s my mom?”
“She gave you up for adoption. She didn’t want a child at that age and with everything going on with your family, it wouldn’t have worked out,” Frank replied.
“What things? And how old was she?” demanded Markie.
“She was 16 and her brother was trying to take over hell. You see, in your family, the title of the Devil goes to the favorite daughter. And devils aren’t evil, just a tad overly mischievous. Your uncle couldn’t stand that; he might have been the worst person in your family, and that’s saying something.”
“What happened to him?” said Markie.
“He wound up where all truly evil people wind up: the underworld, which neither your mother, nor you will control.”
“Me?” asked Markie incredulously.
“Yes, your mother is retiring. Though you’re only 14, she was 16 when she took over,” said Frank.
“Could I go ahead and talk to her? I wanna get this over with.”
“That building over there. I want a beer.”
Markie walked into the office building, which she now realized that was what all these buildings were. A bored receptionist pointed her to an expansive office with the door open. Walking in, she saw the woman, or, more accurately, her mother.
“Thank heavens, girl, I was beginning to think you had mental problems. Now, come in. Sit down. Some soda? Here you are.”
“OK, now would be a nice time to explain,” said Markie.
“You get to be in charge of Hell.”
“I meant elaborate on that,” snapped Markie.
“Touchy. Hell is basically one big party, where after people die, they show up for eternity.”
“A party? Where?” asked Markie.
“Yeah, things down here are just really the office division. I can run things down here and you get to run a nightclub,” said her mother.
“Yeah, right. You know what else? You look way too young to be my mother,” remarked Markie.
“It’s called immortality, sweetie,” answered her mother, taking a cigarette and lighter and lighting up.
“Those are bad for you,” said Markie, earning herself an annoyed glare. “Right, immortality. Gotcha.”
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BigMamaMags reviewed Version 1 -
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I rather liked this piece. It showed imagination as well as a sense of humor. The characters needed to be expanded upon, but that will come in latter chapters I hope. Maybe a series of flashbacks? All in all a very good read. Keep up the good work. Wish you luck!
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hellbunny reviewed Version 1 -
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The concept is fun, but the story is overly rushed. Take time with it. Let the readers get to know Markie. Let us spend some time with her before we are suddenly thrust into hell. You told us too much too fast. Take us through Markie’s life and let the story unfold. BTW, the devil being a young, British mother is a nice touch, very funny.
jweeble reviewed Version 1 -
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You are right. You will have a million rewrites. Some of your phrases are a little awkward, and you need to fix some punctuation. [ask me, and I’ll help]
With that said, you are right again. This is a superb plot idea and has immense amounts of potential. You have a good idea, an interesting character, and nice dialog. And best of all – a great sense of humor, as evidenced by the last line.
sah1012 reviewed Version 1 -
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Interesting idea.
I think you should definitely slow down and plan out what you want to write and were you want to go. It seems like this was a spur of the moment kind of thing, that could be developed into something good. Like the nightclub idea, that didn’t really fit. You would need, I think, to work these things in, prepare the reader.
There were a few times you got a little ahead of yourself. The story seemed to move way too fast. I think your next task should be to really break it down and develop the story, and fill in the setting with some imagery.
Great stuff though.
One note: I think lose the ‘beer’ line. Seems to come from nowhere and sounds a little silly.
DCAllen reviewed Version 1 -
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There is some very good prose/dialogue here. If you are really 13 years old, I’m going to go get a hat out of the closet and take it off to you. Your writing is polished, witty and promising.
You’re right: The plot idea of inheriting the role of Devil is good. And making the Devil female is even better.
Notes:
you mother’s,” = your mother’s
VoicesInMyHead reviewed Version 1 -
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I personally thought the pace of your writing went too fast for me. There was no buildup to the suspense it was all reveal way too quickly. In the first paragraph the story was unfolded with the conversation between lucifer helper an Markie. I think you have the start of a good piece, but you need to buid the story some and flush the characters out more. Make us like them. Give them a purpose in the piece, and the story and your plot will grow.
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