Haiku/Senryu / Hips and Lips

I think it could be condensed further still and take on true Haiku form:

Line 1 from V1
Line 2 from V2
Line 3 from V2

Line 2 and 3 from V1 are saying what you ultimately achieve in “graving hands hold sublime hips” the later being more effective visually.

I also think it becomes more evocative when only the most essential lines are combined.

These are sweet and the imagery is good, but it feels as if you’re really stretching it with the supposed number of syllables in some of the words. You try to pull four syllables out of “powerfully” in the first haiku, second line, for instance, when most people, when reading it aloud and in a natural cadence, would read it as having only three. Same thing with both “tingling” and “mingling” in the second haiku. You must remember to consider how these will sound when read aloud while choosing your words for haikus.

• add/view comments (1)

February 25, 2008

by Smintboyuk

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
412	80.2% (111 votes)	25.8%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
35	M	Alexandria, VA	November 27

Thanks for the review.  You’re right of course about the syllable stretching.  This was one of my early senryu before I really started paying attention to the syllable count.  

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.

This is a great senryu (I think it’s senryu, right?).  You’ve done a great job of conveying so much passion and heat in just a few short sentences.  Well done!  On the forth and last line though, it seems like these are one syllable too short.  Are “tingling” and “mingling” supposed to be read as three syllables instead of two?  It threw me off at first and I had to re-read them.  Overall, love the theme and wording and I want to read it over and over. Thanks for sharing!

• add/view comments (1)

February 25, 2008

by Smintboyuk

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
412	80.2% (111 votes)	25.8%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
35	M	Alexandria, VA	November 27

Thanks for the kind words.  Yes, I did stretch the words a little to meet the syllable count.  I’m glad you liked it.

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.

I like this rensaku. You have used only the necessary words to achieve the most visual effect. Keep it up!

• add/view comments (1)

February 10, 2008

by Smintboyuk

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
412	80.2% (111 votes)	25.8%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
35	M	Alexandria, VA	November 27

Thanks.  I guess getting the most from the minimum is the goal.  For me anyway.

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.

It’s interesting and I like what you’re trying to do.  I like the first lines in both stanzas.  Line 2 in S1 is confusing because it seems to be referring to the kisses instead of the bodies in L3.  I like L2 in S2.  I know what you’re getting at with L3 in S2, but ‘fluids’ just doesn’t do it for me.  It turns the love/sex tone into simply a sex tone.  ’waters’ mingling would sound softer/gentler/more loving to me.  Maybe subjective.  Nice overall.

• add/view comments (1)

January 14, 2008

by Smintboyuk

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
412	80.2% (111 votes)	25.8%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
35	M	Alexandria, VA	November 27

Thanks for the review, it was worth the 56 credits!

I’m not 100% happy with fluids either.  The poem really is about kissing and embracing, so I left the reader to infer any body fluid although I was only thinking about the mouth.  I’m not sure about ‘waters’ but it’s as good a suggestion as any right now.  I’ll keep it in mind.

Craving was agony to select.  I’m trying in the first line of each to be the feeling/touch, the second line to be power/strength, and the last line to be closeness/as-one.  Craving is an emotional power as opposed to the physical strength I was wanting, but it still works I think.

Maybe I’ll change fluids to something more emotional.

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.

I actually like them together – although if I had to pick, #2. Sublime is one of my favorite words. :)

• add/view comments (5)

January 13, 2008

by Smintboyuk

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
412	80.2% (111 votes)	25.8%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
35	M	Alexandria, VA	November 27

Thanks.  I just HAD to keep sublime from the original.  I may re-write this as two stanzas and remove the repeated ‘on her sublime hips’.

January 13, 2008

by jweeble

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
1102	86.8% (129 votes)	55.3%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
39	F	Falls Creek, PA	February 18

leave the second one.  If you are taking one out – take out the first. Second makes more of an impact. :)

January 13, 2008

by Smintboyuk

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
412	80.2% (111 votes)	25.8%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
35	M	Alexandria, VA	November 27

Take a look at version 3 and see what you think.  

I re-wrote them both to remove duplication in kisses/kissed, soft/softly, tingles/tingling.

I’m quite pleased anyway.

Finally, I am trying to avoid the over use of prepositions and conjunctions which use up syllables.  They’re also like single point letters in Scrabble—easy to use, but easily wasted.

January 14, 2008

by jweeble

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
1102	86.8% (129 votes)	55.3%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
39	F	Falls Creek, PA	February 18

yes precisely. Did you read my for the love of joe? it is haiku as well. LOL With the last couple that you’ve been “pumping out” LOL – you’ll like it. :)

January 14, 2008

by jweeble

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
1102	86.8% (129 votes)	55.3%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
39	F	Falls Creek, PA	February 18

version 3 is VERY nice. Lovely. :)

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.

What else but a kiss?
And very well illustrated with words, might I say.
Nicely done, although you repeat yourself a little.
Overall this is good work.
:)

• add/view comments (1)

January 13, 2008

by Smintboyuk

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
412	80.2% (111 votes)	25.8%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
35	M	Alexandria, VA	November 27

Thanks.  I posted these as two separate senryu, rather than as two stanzas.  I put that in the notes, but should have been clearer.

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.

I like what you’ve got started here. If I may suggest, maybe a little wordplay. Something, to kinda stir one’s attention.
Like: Her kiss, soft (upon) his tingling lips.

I think it is exceptional, however the use is allowed only 17 syllables, as a rule, which we all know that they should be broken. Do you think that you might be able to reform it into 5-7-5, its a challenge.

• add/view comments (1)

January 13, 2008

by Smintboyuk

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
412	80.2% (111 votes)	25.8%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
35	M	Alexandria, VA	November 27

Thank you.  See version 2.

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.

EROTIC. forget the rules. i like the original structure better. keep writing ;)

• add/view comments (1)

January 07, 2008

by Smintboyuk

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
412	80.2% (111 votes)	25.8%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
35	M	Alexandria, VA	November 27

Thanks.  I prefer the original also.  I wasn’t sure a 4 line poem without a lengthy explanation was strong enough to stand alone, which is why I hadn’t posted it until now.  I suppose this one doesn’t need much explanation.

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.