Young Adult / Black Part One- Chapter 2.1
PART ONE CHAPTER TWO
This is how Faylin ended up in the library. There happened to be an inconspicuous door on the third floor that lead to the upper balcony of the vast library. Now that Faylin was there, peaking around a dusty brown bookcase, she began to see the benefits of hiding in the library and wondered why she hadn’t thought of it before.
It was perhaps the largest room in the entire castle. It was definitely larger than the dining hall, Faylin thought. The perimeter was oval-shaped and completely lined with books all the way around as far as Faylin could see. She was on the upper balcony which only lined the southernmost half of the library and provided space for the dustiest, most unused volumes. It was particularly the most unused part of the library because it was a drag just to get up there. One had to pull a shaky ladder down from the ceiling.
Faylin slowly made her way to the railing, realizing she didn’t have to worry about being quiet from all the way up here, or did she? The floorboards beneath her were shaky and creaked with each step. Directly below her was a lower balcony. It was about 15 feet wide from wall to railing and lined the circular walls of the room. There was a large winding stair case that lead up to it made out of a rich dark wood that matched all the bookcases and panels. It lead down to a circular area of couches, working tables, and a large burning fire place. There were windows on every free expanse of wall to let in light during the day time. But the library was dark due to the angry gray color of the clouds outside. The only source of light seemed to be the large burning fireplace that emitted a jumping orange light that seemed to annoy a stately looking nobleman down below. She noted him with caution. However, all she could see of him was his balding gray head as he leaned over a large volume in his lap in front of the fire.
She looked around her. It was very dark and dusty, and when she lifted her hand from the railing it was much more covered in dust then she expected it to be. Faylin cringed at the filth and wiped it on her thigh. Her riding outfit was the dirtiest thing she owned anyway. Realizing that there was no way down, Faylin decided to leave. Whose idea was it to build the balcony when there was no way down? But before she reached the heavy wooden door, she found a way down.
“oooph!”, Faylin muttered when her elbow hit something very solid as she tumbled down a rickety ladder that was only halfway unfolded. When she hit the ground she lay there in a shocked daze. The uneasy floorboards had collapsed from under her as previously threatened. She’d stepped in exactly the wrong place, where the ladder folded down from the ceiling below, and managed to fall right through, landing directly on her tail bone.
She lay on the burgundy carpet, cringing as she felt, for the first time, exactly where that bone rested in her back with painful intensity and cradled her right elbow.
And then, creeeaak. Faylin’s eyes looked up just in time to see the rest of the ladder getting ready to unfold on top of her. Her eyes widened and her body stiffened but she managed to roll over on her right side just in time, coming to rest at the exact moment the ladder did. She lay there cringing for a moment and in her mind’s eye she saw the ladder landing directly on her forehead, or even worse, her nose. How painful!
Sir Clement’s head snapped up immediately towards the sounds of shuffling and creaking above him, but couldn’t make out anything in the dim light. He couldn’t quite pinpoint the source, or at least the area where it came from. Not even the jumping shadows cast by the fire shown up there. His head titled thoughtfully to the side as he noticed that there was a second balcony. He’d never noticed it before, most people didn’t.
In all the time he had previously spent here at Merkantan, he had never met another person in the library, save for one of his companions. There was definitely something very eerie about the large, quiescent room. Especially today. It was uncannily dark for an afternoon, it felt like night time.
He sat back in his chair trying to forget what he’d just heard. Up above, Faylin leaned against the wooden railing, trying to catch her breath. This was all too much for one day! What would she do now? There was nothing else to do in the library but read. Faylin still had a hard time reading, some thing she was very sensitive about. She blamed Pavia for her incompetence in everything; it was easy to blame Pavia. However, it was Faylin’s lack of enthusiasm and blatant laziness that had really kept her from succeeding in her studies.
She pulled herself to her feet using the railing for support, but it groaned loudly and the man sitting below looked up once again. Faylin gasped and stepped back into the shadows. Had he seen her? Yes, he was thinking about her right now, wondering if there was someone up there peering at him. He seemed like a nice man. Something about him was foreign. Of course, all visitors to Merkantan were foreign, but he was different. Just by looking at him for that brief moment, she could tell he wasn’t from Zemin. His skin was nearly as pale as hers.
Faylin retreated further back on the balcony, wishing the man hadn’t seen her. But he had. A range of thoughts swirled around in his mind. Memories of his previous experiences at Merkantan, books he was looking for, how fast could he find that book and get out of here? Had he overstayed his welcome, was he in danger? Would he leave now, and maybe try again in a few months? Or was he too afraid to ever come back again. He’d certainly learned about the dangers of Merkantan the hard way and knew he was here at his own risk, but just how dangerous was it here? He wouldn’t give up now though, there was a greater task at hand, Conan-
Conan? Faylin thought, the name sounded familiar. By then she’d lost his train of thought, she was farther away now. If her own thoughts hadn’t butted in, she may have stayed on it. But one thing she knew for certain- he wasn’t a special guest of her father’s and his mind had felt strangely amiable.
As for knowing the man’s thoughts, Faylin didn’t think anything of it, as if seeing into people’s minds was a normal occurrence. After all, everyone did that, right?
Then a face popped into her head, a distant memory, as far away as Lady Elska. Conan used to live at Merkantan! In fact, his room was just across the hall from where her old quarters were. Faylin couldn’t remember him perfectly, but she did remember that he had sandy blond hair and how he used to play dolls with her. He laughed and smiled a lot and he was so goofy, she had loved to play with him!
But there were also uncanny memories, the way her grandparents had yelled at him all the time and how her father had got violent while arguing with him. She remembered how her hair had stood on end listening to her father yell and scream at Conan and how her body involuntarily shook with fear when Lord Draden reached that level of rage. At times, Faylin had wondered what happened to him, and she had never been able to place a name to his face until now. If he had stayed in one of the master apartments, then who was he?
It was strange, Faylin thought, how certain memories seemed to fill with a strange surge of happiness. It was so long ago, that she had almost forgotten those times. She couldn’t decide weather or not they were related. It seemed like he was because of the time he had spent with her family. But from what Faylin could remember, Conan didn’t quiet resemble her family. Of course, it was so long ago, she couldn’t even make out his facial features. All she knew is that he had blondish hair and the only Draden who had blond hair was herself.
She knew she was part Zeminite, and she should have grown up with olive skin and dark hair like her parents. Faylin wasn’t quite sure about what her grandparents had looked like. He grandfather had died before she was born and she rarely saw her grandmother, whose skin was wrinkled and pale from staying inside all the time and hair a dull gray mass of fuzz.
Eventually Faylin figured that Conan had to be apart of their family, know one else would stick around through all that fighting, though he did leave eventually. It seemed to Faylin that he disappeared right around the time that her mother had died.
She stood up and began wandering around for things to look at. Suddenly there was a loud peal of thunder that was so loud and close, she fancied that she could feel the vibrations of it. She flinched in surprise and at the same moment, the dust in the air was too much for her lunges. The thunder kept rumbling, and she coughed loud enough for the man to hear, but didn’t stifle it with the sound of angry thunder covering it up. Though, as the thunder began to die down, her coughing didn’t. Now, it was obvious to the both of them that she was here.
As she wandered along in the dark library, the sounds of thunder and lightning rumbled overhead, starting off gently but growing obnoxious as time went on. At one point, a servant came in and began lighting the candles held in sconces on the walls for Sir Clement. The servant thankfully didn’t bother with the second level of the library. Faylin avoided the winding stair case that lead to the first floor but found another way down on the opposite side of the library. It was a hole in the floor up against the wall. Built into the wall was an aged, rickety step ladder. Faylin noticed it because there was a burning candle in the sconce beside the ladder below and the light shined up through the hole.
She climbed down the ladder easily, remembering the days when she was little and used to run around climbing trees to see how high she could go. Also it was particularly fun to drop sticks and acorns on passerby below.
When she reached the bottom, Faylin wanted to take the candle from the sconce to read with, but it was rather large and weighed several pounds too many. She could hardly take a look at it though, because of the brightness that it emanated. The concave part of the sconce was a mirror, made to reflect more light.
Faylin began walking around the perimeter of the library looking for a sconce holding a candle that had burned long enough to carry easily. Eventually, she found one and wandered alone through the eerie rows of books, candle in hand. Though it was a scary place, she didn’t have much to fear. Her father and Pavia were far away, and they would never suspect her to be hiding the library. They would likely check the kitchens after they didn’t find her in the stables or her quarters.
She liked the quiet peace that she felt here, nearly alone in the library. Though it wasn’t exactly quiet, the storm raged still, but there was some thing about the library that just felt so cozy. Faylin strolled through the rows of books, her hand lightly feeling them as she walked slowly by. She was lost in her own thoughts, finally being able to calm down. It seemed as though nothing could hurt her here…
“Excuse me”.
Faylin was jerked back into reality with a sharp intake of surprised breath. She spun around quickly to face man, standing five feet away, a smaller candle in his hand. She hadn’t thought much of that fact that her wandering had been bringer her closer and closer to the side of the library with the roaring fireplace. Faylin could be so dazed sometimes.
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This 130 word review has not been unlocked.
I’ll preface my comments by saying I haven’t read any of the previous chapter, so I can just comment on what I see here.
peaking- peeking
Cut out unnecessary words whenever possible! It’s hard, but it helps. For example, “There was a large winding stair case that lead up to it made out of a rich dark wood that matched all the bookcases and panels.” can be “A large, winding staircase in rich, dark wood tones matching the bookcases and panels led up to it.”
That paragraph is a little hard to follow because you us “it” so many times. Make sure your reader can easily follow you along as you describe things.
When the ladder is about to fall on her, I wanted to see a little more suspense. The way you’ve written it reads so quickly that we don’t even have time to think that it might fall on her before we find out that it doesn’t. If you draw it out a little bit more, perhaps she first hears the creak, then realizes where it’s coming from, and then hesitates just a bit before rolling out of the way.
“How painful!” I don’t think you need this line. If you wanted to have some of her inner monologue here, as in a “That was close” or “I’ve got to be more careful” kind of line, that would be better.
I’m not getting the impression that she can read his thoughts. If that’s the case, maybe we need to hear her hearing his thoughts. Right now it just seems like she is assuming she knows what he’s thinking, not that she has the specific ability to actually do that. If she can read his mind, is it something that she has to actively do, or does it just happen? Does she have to see him, be close to him, etc.?
Okay, I just got to the part where you cover what I just talked about. But my advice is still the same. It needs to be stronger throughout for your reader to get it.
weather- whether
The next bit about Conan and her family is muddled. I’m not sure what you’re trying to do with it.
It looks like pace is an issue overall. I feel like your rushing the story. I know sometimes you just can’t wait to get to the next part, but make sure your reader can absorb everything that’s going on and follow it easily.
As for people thinking your story is weird because she can read his thoughts- don’t worry about it! Just write the story that you want to tell, and I’m sure it will be good. Good luck!
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Good job. I love the names you picked and the setting you’ve set up. There’s just something exciting about those old dusty places. :) I also like how you’ve made up your own lands and races, that’s something that’s not always easy to do. Do watch out for using the same word twice in one sentence though, that makes it sound awkward: “seemed to be the large burning fireplace that emitted a jumping orange light that seemed…” Also a few minor editing details, like you used “Know” instead of “now” once. Other than that, you’re doing great, keep up the awesome writing!
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