That’s for the kind review. Please excuse my ignorance, but could you explain how I might truncate the sentence describing the wino’s missing arm?
Short Story / The Good Neighbor
“Can you loan me a dollar, Frankie?”
The man’s voice worked its way into Ellen’s dream, but it was a bad fit and she woke sensing something was wrong. The bottom sheet had come loose and she tugged at it angrily to prevent her face from coming in contact with the worn gray and white striped mattress.
“Can you loan me a dollar, Frankie?”
Realizing the voice had somehow followed her from the dream; she sat up and looked around in the semi-darkness. When she saw the outline of man standing at the foot of the bed she screamed.
Frank had been sleeping so soundly it took several seconds for his girlfriend’s scream to bring him to full consciousness. His eyes followed Ellen’s terrified stare to the intruder, his muscles tightening instinctively in response to the perceived threat.
“Please, Frankie, I need that dollar real bad.”
At the sound of the familiar voice, the tension in Frank’s body subsided. “Jesus Christ, Alex, you scared the shit out of us.” He switched on the lamp and checked the time on the small plastic alarm clock sitting on the nightstand next to the bed. “It’s after midnight, how’d you get in here?”
“You forgot to lock the door again,” he said shaking his head in disapproval. A week’s worth of facial hair—more than stubble but less than a beard—covered the lower portion of the skeletally thin face and the blue eyes were red-rimmed and bloodshot. Brown trousers and a faded black tee shirt hung loosely from the emaciated body—as if determined to have as little contact with it as possible. The left arm ended abruptly a few inches above the spot where the elbow used to be. “I knocked but you didn’t answer so I came in to make sure you and Ellen was okay.”
“Get him out of here,” Ellen hissed, her terror rapidly transformed into a mixture of relief and irritation when she too realized the intruder was the man who lived upstairs.
“You better go wait in the other room, Alex. I’ll be there in a minute.”
Frank, Ellen and Alex lived in a dilapidated three-story building at 445 West Forrest Avenue in a crime-ridden section of Detroit known as the Cass Corridor. What was once a neighborhood filled with working class families changed rapidly when the white residents fled the inner city for the safety of the suburbs—and the real estate speculators swooped down like vultures on the homes they’d left behind. As the years passed, the houses were torn down, boarded up or carved into apartments rented by the week. The area’s present population consisted of impoverished permanent residents like Alex—most of them barely getting by on welfare or social security—and college students like Frank and Ellen.
Frank, like most draft-eligible males between the ages of eighteen and twenty-six, understood a student deferment was all that stood between him and the possibility of dying young in a rice paddy in Viet Nam. So after graduating from high school, he attended a community college for a couple of years and then enrolled at Wayne State University. He lived alone in one of the building’s studio apartments for almost a year and then he met Ellen. One day, Mr. Zaiger, the building’s manager, came to collect the rent and found the old woman in the apartment next door lying dead among stacks of old newspapers, magazines, shoes, clothes, toys and countless other treasures she’d rescued from people’s trash. Frank offered to clean up the mess if Zaiger would rent him the larger two-room apartment for five dollars more a week. Ellen moved in a month later.
Frank pulled on his jeans and walked shirtless and barefoot into the other room where Alex was waiting. He removed a crumbled dollar bill from the pocket of the jeans and held it out, but instead of reaching for it, the old man backed away. “Thanks, Frankie, but I’m not feeling so good. Will you go and get me a bottle of wine?”
“No problem, Buddy, I’ll go get dressed.”
“Is he gone?” Ellen whispered hopefully.
Frank shook his head and reached for the gray hooded sweatshirt hanging on the back of the bedroom door, then slipped his bare feet into a pair of loafers. “No, I’m going to Yano’s market to get him a bottle of wine.”
“I can’t believe you’re leaving me alone with him,” she said, getting up and reaching for her pink terrycloth robe. She tied the belt securely around her waist and sat back down on the bed.
“He’s not going to hurt you. All he wants is a drink.” Frank slid his wallet into the back pocket of his jeans and leaned over to kiss her lightly on the cheek. “I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
He returned with the brown paper bag containing the Thunderbird ten minutes later and handed it to Alex. Holding it against his side with what remained of his left arm, the old man tried unsuccessfully to unscrew the twist-off cap. “Open it!” he demanded handing it back to Frank—the craving in his gut now so intense it was almost more than he could bear.
After removing the cap, Frank watched Alex raise the bottle to his lips. He drank greedily—his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down wildly with each swallow.
“Do you want some, Frankie?” Alex asked. He held out the bottle as if to prove he really was willing to share.
“No thanks.”
Frank handed Alex the cap and he screwed it on—carefully checking to make sure it wasn’t on too tight. “I’ll pay you back when my check comes the first of the month.”
“Yeah, I know you will.” Frank walked over and opened the apartment door.
Alex stepped out into the hallway. “You should try to remember to lock the door,” he said looking back over his shoulder. “This ain’t a very good neighborhood.”
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saveusjeebus reviewed Version 2 -
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The writing is very good. Tells a simple story and tells it well. The only thing I would watch out for is under use of commas and over use of the dash. two sentences in a row may be pushing it on that one.
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Protagoras reviewed Version 2 -
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Not a big point but i prefer ‘lend’ to ‘loan’ – i think it’s more plausible in speech.
Coming in contact – coming into contact
bed she screamed < comma after ‘bed’
“Can you loan me a dollar, Frankie?”
Determined contact < like it
inches above the spot where the elbow used < consider truncating this sentence making it a bit more elegant?
I might introduce the fact he’s the guy from next door earlier, like ‘It was xxxxx, the guy from next door.’ As soon as they both wake up.
boarded up or carved into < this whole paragraph is excellent. VERY, VERY GOOD.
Viet Nam < one word
. So after graduating < not incorrect, but comma after ‘so’ is optimal
Overall the oppening is superb, you immediately put us in the know that this is a poor area, and you do it with a cool scene about the guy looking for the dollar. I can imagine that scene in my head, and as the opening to a movie perhaps.
Twist off cap < clever way of telling us he’s decrepit
Cool ending, the way the guy who entered tells HIM to be more careful.
I truly enjoyed reading this piece, an excellent scene, believable dialogue, a great example of ‘showing’ (Zzzzzz!).
One of the better things you’ve read, and a nice length. 9/10 for me. Nice work.
jhmckeogh reviewed Version 2 -
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Much better than the last time i read it. THe writing is good. As far as to publish, i think you need more of a story. Like i said, it is good as is, but if you want to get it published, you are going to need more to it. Sustain the voice. ONe way you can accomplish this, you can give some more background to the girlfriend. Frank, we know why he’s there, the defferment and all. Lets get some more ellen. Why is frank calm and collect, ellen scared and then pissed off. Why does frank get along with the sot, where ellen seems to fear him. Keep working, i liked it before, i like it better in this version. Now i want more of it.
Cheers,
James
nelson1 reviewed Version 1 -
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I like this, the fact that someone who probably was impoverished nearly scared the crap out of his neighbours who are also stuggling students, when really like your title suggests they are both good neighbours. The Blokes trusting each other and Ellens fear of Alex when left alone with him. It is nice neighbours can help each other, Alex could of been a burgler, but was honest really.
I like the waking up image of Ellen hearing someone asking for a lone of a dollar and thinking it was her dream. I have had that feeling and you nailed it.
Well written
avedis reviewed Version 1 -
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Excellent writing, though I’m not sure it is sufficient to make a short story as it is. I’ll ask you a question, what did you want to convey, and is it all here?
It’s a vignette and would stand in a collection of related stories.
You’ve captured everyone very well and managed to fit a lot of character development – though some might disagree and feel it not enough.
Sticking to the guidelines when reviewing stories such as this is difficult, with no spelling or grammar to correct it has to be just a commentary.
I like it very much.
beecherj reviewed Version 1 -
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This was an interesting piece. I liked how you introduced the setting through story elements, rather than coming right out and saying it. I liked the characters, though I think they all could’ve used some more development.
Your story was ok, but lacked some necessary depth in some places and cut off abruptly. I was surprised when I hit the end, just because I figured there was going to be more to it than that. I would ask that you please expand this, or maybe right some more with the same characters and setting. Aside from that, thanks for writing!
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