Poetry / The Rain
Most of my peer’s shed tears while I shed blood
They say I’m cold blooded which means my heart stops beating for those I care
This past twelve months has been a sweet nightmare I must be dreamin
Dreams of angels singing and dreams of demons screamin
My blood,my sweat,and my tears are a substitution for a gap of my pain
Tears of blood pouring down,pouring like endless rain
I can’t escape I am trapped because I must face the fact that I am blind
Vision left behind pitch black while reminiscing on this blood stain
I tilt my head up to wash off these temporary scars that originally came from
The Rain
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I could sense the pain in the words of this piece and I liked that about it. But I feel like your just scratching the surface of the potential for this poem. I think you could go into more depth
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Think about the use of the word originally and the word screamin-too different in intelligence. The use of screamin instead of screaming sounds like urban slang or lyrics, and even lazy writing. The piece will gain much more merit by being written correctly, or keep your pattern of language use the same. I can tell by the subject, you are highly intelligent-use it.
Also, rhyme or don’t. That also throws a wrench in an otherwise remarkable writing.
Most of my peer’s shed tears while I shed blood…powerful visual!
Cold blooded, a heart stops beating for those I care for
This (These) past twelve months has (have) been a sweet nightmare I must be dreamin (dreaming)
Dreams of angels singing and dreams of demons screamin (screaming)
...originally came from
The Rain…brilliant ending!
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