Novel Treatments / Mind for Lease
Hunter had known her secret for a long time; even before he had fallen in love with her. He had figured something was odd about her, and when confronted, she had told him, because she knew she could trust him.
But that wasn’t a necessarily a testimony to how he treated people; it was because she knew.
She knew a lot of stuff.
Angel Frederickson could reach into your mind and pull out the information she needed, without a thought to morality or basic human rights.
He wasn’t sure she was human, mind reader that she was. He had never asked and she had never told.
He had fallen for her, and he had never really gotten over her, but he had dumped her all the same, because he had learned a truth about her; one of the many she hadn’t revealed.
She was an assassin.
He didn’t know who she really was, how she was, or even where she was from before she had moved to his town. Whenever he had asked, she had smiled and said, “Does it matter who I was or where I’m from? I’m me, and I’m here now, and that’s all that should concern you.”
In reality, he could deal with her making a living killing people, but when you are seventeen and find out that your girlfriend kills people for money, your first instinct is to stay far, far away, and so he had, for a whole month. Eventually, she stopped calling, she stopped sending him text messages asking why he wouldn’t talk to her, and it was only then that he realized he loved her.
Now she was out for his blood- being dumped, she could have taken like a man, but when he wasn’t man enough to do the deed, she got pissed.
Really pissed.
Tonight was one of those Saturday nights when Hunter rejected all the invitations he got to go party, and sat home wondering about Angel. He was undecided; either he could go beg for forgiveness, and she would murder him (literally), or he could go beg for forgiveness, and she would welcome him back.
“Or you could sit around doing nothing but think about her, and she would still murder you,” quipped an oddly familiar voice from behind him.
Whipping around to face his window, there she was again, perched in his windowsill, legs dangling into his room, just like old times.
“You wish,” she said, shaking her head and leaping out of the window.
“What are you doing here?” he demanded, taking a few hesitant steps forward.
“I need your help,” she replied, standing to face him. “And that’s it, got it?”
“Listen, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have freaked when I found about you. I mean, with you, I was always dealing with some weird supernatural psychopath trying to kill you, so why should the fact you killed people bother me?”
“You talk way too much, Hunter, but I suppose I’ll overlook it for my purposes,” she remarked.
“You don’t talk like a regular person, you know that, right?”
“What makes you think I’m even a person, much less regular?” She turned and leaped out of the window, landing with an undignified crash, and Hunter sprinted to peer out of the window, but she was already gone, leaving behind the dead body of a hunchbacked, malformed troll. There was no other word for it, it was definitely a troll.
He wondered briefly what the hell he had gotten himself into.
Angel swaggered down the hallway the next morning, and when she passed him, she gave him that confident, teasing smile, and kept going, and stopped at her locker a little ways down from him. Hunter’s friends noticed and began pumping him for information.
“Are you two getting back together?”
“What happened with you two, anyway?”
Hunter glanced down at her, and she widened her eyes at him, but it took him a few seconds to get it- the locker she was digging around in wasn’t hers.
“I don’t know, but I’m going to go talk to her,” he told his friends, flashing them a hopeful grin and sprinting to where she was standing.
“What?” he snarled. “I don’t need all my friends thinking we’re getting back together.”
“No, you just don’t want to get your hopes up,” she informed him. “Anyway, did you see that thing I killed last night?”
“Why couldn’t we have had this conversation last night?”
“I had to get back to Kukio. He needed me,” she answered, looking up at him innocently.
“Who’s Kukio?” he struggled to keep the anxiety out of his voice.
“He was my…..well, in this world I guess you could say he was boyfriend, in the world I came from.”
“What about me?”
“What about you? Kukio doesn’t care if I kill people for a living,” Angel shrugged, not understanding why Hunter was suddenly spluttering. “Are you alright? You seem to be having trouble breathing.”
“Why did you date me, if you had a boyfriend back home?”
“We were….on the outs, I think is the expression.”
“How have you passed for human for all this time?”
“With a lot of luck,” she muttered, slamming the locker door shut and taking off down the hallway, leaving behind one severely confused boy.
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If you are truly 13 years old, then you are a wonder. There are some words that you have repeated in the beginning. I also agree with you that you need to flesh out the characters more and give us some background.
Keep writing, you have a wonderful nack for it.
Good luck!!
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I like it so far. You should add a few name tags into the long dialouge at the end to keep very clear who is who. I think you have a very good start here. Developing the characters in little ways would help. Like the way they use words or showing their movements. Like in the hall does he just stand around hands at his sides or is he fiddling with stuff in his pocket or locker, or hitting his friends playfully. That sort of thing builds an image in the readers mind. Also descriptions of their appearance would help a great deal.
Overall good job keep it coming.
There are a few technical errors here and I think you could benefit from a crash course in punctuation. I actually like that you didn’t overload this with background information. Books that do that are the ones that I throw out. The story line is interesting and does hold attention, but you skip so rapidly through the story that you leave out a lot of opportunity to expand your characters without giving too much.
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